


King of the Things

by Obdobuk



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:13:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 63
Words: 73,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29296437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obdobuk/pseuds/Obdobuk
Summary: This is a parody of Lord of the Rings, my all-time favourite films. I started this when I was 11/12 and now at the age of 29 I finished it. Granted i stopped writing it for 15 years then started from scratch. But I digress. It's a parody, nothing but respect for JRRT and if you haven't already, watch the films.Be warned, THIS IS A PARODY! It is extremely crude and offensive and not for the faint-hearted. It is extremely sexual but comedically so, and more than one sterotype is used. This is not meant to offend anyone but it is pretty offensive to everyone. If that's not your thing then don't put yourself through it, and if you do put yourself through it and hate it, I don't want to hear it. But other than that, enjoy!
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

It all happened a relatively long time ago, in a place somewhat far from here. But that only matters if you know when, and where, we are now. But you don’t because I haven’t told you. And truth be told I probably won’t tell you so you’ll have to imagine it to be something like, but also entirely unlike, anywhere or anywhen you know. Does that make sense to you?  
No?  
Good. Get used to it.  
So an indeterminate amount of time ago and in a collection of places there was a being. They went by the name of Olion. Now Olion wasn’t a bad being per say. Yes they did a few less than stellar things: identity theft, murder, forgery, genocide, counterfeiting jewelry etc but they had some good points.  
They created a lot of jobs for out of work crackheads and yes they may have been marching in rank and massacring villages but they weren’t a burden on the state and that went down well with the voting tax payers. They forged trade relations with other races. Some say the better word was subjugation but it was still a boost for the economy. And they championed diversity given that they were beyond the gender spectrum. And the mortal spectrum for that matter.  
All in all Olion wasn’t the worst public official that had been in charge but then they made the Thing.  
You see the Thing was all of the information Olion had collected over the years that gave them power over others. Drug habits, mistresses, illegitimate children, assassinations, floutings of environmental policy. Anything that anyone was ashamed of, Olion found out and the Thing became more powerful. Soon enough, Olion was able to use the Thing to take control of the land and all those in it. At least he thought he was. But there were some who were not so easily shamed.  
After a stunning front page self-expose where various prominent members of the community publicly admitted to their scandals, many thousands gathered in protest against Olion and his ways. The people were led by the famed Vlogger Ellen Dill and her son of dubious heritage Easel Door as they marched towards Olion’s headquarters and met his organised counter-protest formed of the legions of his supporters.  
Drug addicted right wing enforcers armed with AR-15’s met disgraced whoremongerers wielding licensed guns in an impromptu pitched battle that caused condemnation from all those with something to lose. Despite there being good people on both sides and a lot of thoughts and prayers sent, the protesters led by Ellen and Easel emerged victorious forcing Olion to come down from his tower in the heart of his political baseland, and meet them head to head.  
Olion approached the podium even as Ellen stoked the crowd and for a moment it seemed as if she’d take the day until Olion delivered a brutal blow.  
“Are you really going to follow someone who made a living out of telling people to be kind then abused all of her employees?”. In that moment all hope was lost and Ellen was vanquished, her follower count dropping before her eyes until she was nothing more than a memory trying to stay relevant.  
Easel had never really understood the Vlogger life. All he wanted to do was paint post-modernism concept art and sell them on Etsy. But he did understand family and watching his mother get humiliated in front of a crowd was going too far. He swept forwards and ripped the Thing from Olion’s hands and began to read. Olion had not only collected information about his enemies but his allies as well.  
Revelation after revelation were revealed to the world and with every one, Olion became less and less influential until he was gone. Olion was defeated and Easel had won the day.  
Before he could even think, #Bellend appeared. One of the wisest Instagrelfs around, he stood next to Easel and commanded “follow me”.  
They rose through Olion’s tower, taking the stairs for some reason and at last emerged into the penthouse office. The view was marvellous. Easel could see the path of destruction his mother and her people had left behind them, battling jittery crackheads for every step they made. Looking down he noticed that the floor was made of glass and beneath it several female members of staff, who moments before had been hard at work, were now looking up in envy.  
“Here” #Bellend said, “this is the only place where the Thing can be destroyed”.  
“Why?” Easel asked.  
“Because magic and shit!” the Instagrelf snapped. He opened the furnace door because apparently there was a furnace. “Now, cast it into the fire!”.  
Easel wanted to, he really did! But the more he thought about it the more it didn’t make sense. With the Thing he could make waves in his career. Get onto Society6. Maybe even onto DeviantAr! He’d no longer live with his mother. She would live with him and watch as all manner of people flocked to his side. Who would say no to him? No one. He’d be an incel no longer.  
“Destroy it!” #Bellend cried out, sensing his hesitation.  
“No” Easel muttered, basking in the fantasies of women tolerating his touch for the sake of his local fame and above average cash flow.  
“EASEL DOOR!!” But it was too late. Easel was in thrall to the promise of power and influence the Thing offered. His mother had always wanted him to have influence and now he had it. He had all of it.   
This time he took the elevator down. Ed Sheeran played through the speakers. Easel hated it; too mainstream.

Easel set out to live his life, hell bent on enjoying the glitz and glamour that the Thing brought. He lived the high life as no door was closed to him and no velvet rope barred his entrance from anywhere he wanted to be. Easel Door had it all. But the problem with having it all is that those who have nothing, don’t have anything to lose when they try to take something from you. They said evil would be drawn to the Thing, but being rich in a deprived area didn’t help either.  
Easel Door was returning from the club, entourage in tow behind him when they were ambushed by several crackheads; the scourge Olion introduced into the inner cities had never been defeated. How could it when the greatest influencer of modern times had been killed by scandal and controversy? His crew put up a valiant fight, doing there best to survive but the crackheads were in such fierce withdrawals that they trembled right around their defences. In the midst of the chaos, Easel Door saw his chance and tried to creep away unmolested.  
But fate will fuck you over harder than a power top with a thick dick.  
As Easel Door hurried away the Thing began to alarm, ringing obnoxiously loud and drawing all manner of attention to him. By this point most of his people were dead and the folk rummaging through their pockets now turned to him. Despite all of his ill gotten power and pussy, he died as he had fucked; pathetically and without giving the other person any satisfaction.  
The Thing ended up getting lost in the commotion and was soon forgotten about except by a handful of people but it was IP rated like a motherfucker and had a battery life that would put the old Nokias to shame. So it survived. As the world turned and history became legend the Thing endured. And right around the time where legend became myth the Thing decided to act. Yes, it was sentient. Self aware. Of course it had no arms or legs or any other way to physically interact with the world so it was still pretty useless. Similar to a someone who cannot do anything except blink? Except they can still blink. Communicate with the world. This Thing couldn’t do shit.  
It lay in the world having made the decision to one day move but it hadn’t chosen which day that would be, until by enormous coincidence it decided that today was the day it would move just moments before it was picked up by a guy named Deedle.  
Deedle was a fairly ordinary little guy. Liked to fish, hang out with friends, spontaneously murder people. All good things. He didn’t want anything to do with politics or Olion or anything like that. He didn’t even know about politics or Olion or anything like that. He just wanted to live his life as best as he could be bothered to try. But then the Thing found it’s way into his hands and his life began to change and not for the better.  
His hair began to fall out, he lost his teeth and his gums were bleeding all the time. Deedle’s body started to look emaciated and he couldn’t stomach normal food anymore. Basically he was displaying all the signs and symptoms of acute radiation poisoning which interestingly ties into the whole ‘magic being a form of energy’ hypothesis. Except he didn’t die. Which is the main symptom of chronic radiation poisoning. Also the Thing isn’t really magic.   
Not only did he not die but he lived a very long time. Long enough that everyone he knew passed away and Deedle ended up living in a cave underneath some mountains. Super sad right? But he wasn’t alone. There were a lot of homeless folk and drug addicts who lingered in the same place. They all knew each other but, for some reason that I can’t be bothered to think of ergo doesn’t matter, they would call him Boggle.   
He survived in this cavern for long enough that the world outside changed and changed again. Yet despite that the level of technology didn’t change at all nor did the language. Not even the accents evolved. Sounds unbelievable but sometimes you gotta suspend disbelief to enjoy a story. So after many years where nothing changed, Boggle was in his cavern playing with his Thing when he realised something was wrong. There was someone here who didn’t belong.  
So he went hunting and as he was scrambling across rocks like some sort of lizard, Boggle found the intruder.  
He was a short guy. Dressed for travelling in fairly nice clothes, Boggle assumed him to be a fine gentleman of good breeding.  
“I’m Dildo Shaggins from the Briar. Finest male porn star in the West” the stranger replied when Boggle asked who he was.  
“Oh…OK then. Why are you in my cavern?” Boggle asked.  
“’Why are you in my cavern?’ Sounds like a good title for a film. Rapey undertones but some freaks are into it. I’m in your cavern because I got lost. I’m here with a group of Dwarves and a Wizard. We’re heading to the Lonely Mountain to film the very first tri-race orgy”. Again Boggle was at a loss for words. Spending centuries alone doesn’t prepare anyone for an extroverted pansexual porn star dropping by. “I’m gonna call it the The Hobble. Because by the end, no one is gonna be walking right”.  
Boggle had no idea what to say so after thirty seconds of awkward silence he just turned and walked away. Dildo watched him go and ignored the voice telling him to invite him to be a part of the shoot.  
“Oakenshaft would tear that scrawny guy in two” he muttered to himself. As Dildo looked around for a way to get back to his colleagues, he stubbed his toe. Cursing he picked up the offending object. “What the hell is this Thing?” He looked the Thing over and for some reason he couldn’t put his finger on, he put it in his bag, shuffling around the butt plugs and dick cages to make room.  
Eventually Dildo found his way out and after shooting the most successful gay porn film the world would ever see, went back home to live in peace. And the Thing went with him. It became something he would carry around with him. He’d never turn it on, it would just be there. By his bed. On his mantle. In his dressing room. Wherever he went, the Thing went with him.  
As time went on Dildo started to notice that he wasn’t really getting older. Most guys retired well before they got to his age but here he was, body hard and dick harder, pounding away on screen with no problem. The number of films he starred in reached the industry all time high and for his service and services he was awarded the titanium phallus in recognition of his willingness to stick his dick into anything so long as a camera was pointing his way.  
Wealth and fame was all well and good but eventually Dildo began to feel unsatisfied. With every nut he busted he felt less, almost as if he was leaving a part of his soul on every face he painted and neck he pearled. He decided to retire and move away to a nice place where he could rest. But first he had to go to his party.


	2. Chapter 2

The Choir was a simple place. It was where all the Hobbits in the world came from and it was basically a self-sustaining commune. They grew their own food and made their own everything else. They lived simple lives that suited them perfectly and as far back as time went, they’ left the world alone and the world left them alone. Then on one fateful day at some point in the past, a few travellers needed to resupply so detoured to a little place they’d never been to, certain they’d be able to pick something up.  
That was the day the world discovered that Hobbits are natural porn stars. Nearly every guy had a gigantic dick, was perfectly shredded and could fuck for hours. Nearly every woman had perky breasts, was completely hairless from the neck down and could choose whether or not to menstruate (because fuck evolutionary biology that’s how). Now with all these assets in play it was only natural that Hobbits engaged in rampant recreational sex at any and every available opportunity which is how the travellers first came into contact with the hobbit people.  
Spontaneous orgy in field.

Because it took longer than three minutes the interested observers from another land had finished and were now bored. They were discussing where to get food from but weren’t making much progress in deciding as one of their number was distracted by the loud noises and frequent moaning. Capitalism and greed slowly took hold of him and within months, the Choir was the adult film capital of all the world. Some still held to the old ways but the overwhelming majority became adult film stars and were sorely, pun intended, underpaid and overworked. Then they formed a union, kicked out the white men (all Hobbits are coloured. If you don’t like it then fuck off) and began to work for themselves. Short Butt Mighty Productions became the market leader in the porn game. Everyone was paid a fair wage and the health and wellbeing of their employees always came first. They were a great company that was run by good Hobbits. So when their greatest star announced his plans to retire on his birthday, SBM said they would throw him the greatest send off the porn industry had ever seen.  
The Choir had changed a great deal since the natural talents of the Hobbits had been discovered. Shops selling fetish gear had opened so they could cater to more clientele, but there was also boutiques for high end clothing and home furnishings. Expensive cars and other forms of technology were seen as the norm now that everyone was earning good money. But at heart they were still people of the land and when they needed to relax, the land was where they went. Which is why Dodo Shaggins, Wham Bamgee, Tiny Terry and Sally Squirtin’ were lounging around in the forest close to their homes because the hearts of Hobbits lie in peace. Peace and multiple orgasms.


	3. Chapter 3

The four had been best friends since childhood, they had grown up together, and they’d went to the Academy of Adult Entertainers together. They were best friends and occasional co-stars. But right now they were just chilling, propped up against trees and having a pleasant day.  
“Can’t wait for Dildo’s party later. It’s gonna be epic” Dodo said, his eyes closed and his feet up on a log  
“I wonder how they’ll send him off” Sally wondered. “It’s a birthday and a retirement. They gotta pull out all the stops." The other Hobbits nodded and once again fell into silence and that silence was broken by a merry tune being sang by a familiar voice nearby.  
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!  
And they’re like, it’s better than yours!  
Damn right, it’s better than yours!  
I can teach you but I have to charge!”

All four of their heads shot up as the off tone voice filtered through the leaves. They beamed at each other, grinning with recognition.  
“It’s Marion!” Dodo exclaimed.  
He jumped up and chased the voice through the trees, while the others got up and sat back down once Dodo was gone. Truth be told they were all pretty high and didn’t believe the voice was real. Dodo bounced from tree to tree not entirely on purpose as he too had partaken of the Devil’s lettuce and wasn’t really capable of moving in a straight line. Still he persevered and burst through a bush to find the old wizard bouncing along a road on his horse and cart.  
Why the crazy old bastard rode a horse and cart in a dusty grey robe was beyond reason. He insisted it was part of his vibe but Marion was full of shit at the best of times. He was a guy who went wherever he wanted and did whatever he chose up to and including calling himself a wizard. Was he a wizard? No one knew. But he definitely was a freelance adult film star, art thief, document forger, occasional pimp and a prolific photo bomber. He was also a family friend.  
“Well look who it is! Dodo Shaggins! Last time I saw you in person your balls hadn’t even dropped and now you’re the rising star of SBM." Marion laughed and gestured Dodo aboard his rickety cart. They shared a fond hug as the horse started to move again.  
“I wouldn’t say rising star. I do alright.”  
Alright? Your last film got rated Fully Fisted on IMDB just last month. That’s better than alright!” Dodo shrugged modestly under the praise and changed the topic.  
“I’m guessing you’re here for his party?” Marion nodded.  
“I couldn’t let the bastard have his send off without me. I helped make him who he is."  
“He always said his dick was never that hard before The Hobble."  
Both of them cast their minds towards the film; Marion in fond remembrance and Dodo from the academy. They’d watched the entire works of Uncle Dildo to learn from his greatness. It was all well and good until you knew the number of freckles on his ball sack.  
“How are things here?” Marion asked after a while.  
“They’re OK. Party prep should be done by tonight. I think there’s a contest winner coming as well. You know the deal, they’ll stick them in a back room somewhere and have a couple people pump ‘em and dump ‘em." Marion nodded, he was familiar with the routine. They rode together just chatting until Dodo headed back to his gang and Marion went straight to Dildo’s house.


	4. Chapter 4

The Hobbit opened his door and almost ejaculated in shock.  
“Marion! I didn’t think you’d actually come!”  
“You know me, I always come” Marion winked as he strode through the open door.  
“True but you’re on time. I expected you to come a lot sooner like you normally do”.  
“Oh fuck you Dildo! That was one time!”  
“Yeah only one time. Then you couldn’t even get hard for the rest of the shoot. There’s a reason why your name isn’t on the Hobble credits”.  
Marion took a deep breath and suppressed the urge to put his foot up his ass. He knew how that would end; Dildo would love it and he’d never get his foot back.  
“So what have you been doing with your time? Planning your escape?” Dildo nodded.  
“I’ve got it all planned out. I’m gonna leave straight away and make my way across the land doing what I do best”.  
“Fucking?” Marion asked confused.  
“No. Writing!”  
“You can write? What are you writing?”  
“My memoirs! I sent you a copy to read”  
“Oh shit my bad. I don’t actually open the things you send. I wrap them in Christmas paper and drop it off at the orphanage”. Dildo went from outraged to offended to sick.  
“Well some little kid got an advanced copy of me spit roasting Rosebud Cotton with Wham Bamgee so Merry Christmas to them”.  
For a moment they thought about the fact that they were disseminating porn to minors but then realised it was better than inseminating minors and that was that.  
“So what happens now?” Marion asked as he pulled out a pack of coke and started cutting it into neat little lines as they sat together around Dildo’s dining table.  
“What happens is that we do a couple lines then get ready for the party. And then after that I’m gonna get the fuck out of here”. Marion looked at him sombrely.  
“First of all, this is my coke. Get your own” In a flash, Marion snorted all four lines. Three up one nostril, one in the other. The imbalance made him super sleepy for some reason. “Second what about Dodo. The kid loves you”.  
This time it was Dildo who snorted but there was no cocaine involved. Just humour.  
“Kid? He’s like thirty something. Motherfucker is a grown ass man. Besides he’s got a good career, rising star in the game. And he’s got friends who’ll look out for him. Dodo’ll be alright. Especially since I’m leaving everything to him. Everything except my cock rings; there are some things a man doesn’t share with his…cousin?” Marion shrugged as Dildo threw him a confused look. Who knows how anyone in this fucked up place was related to each other.  
“I’ll keep an eye on him if you like” Marion offered, mellowing out from his earlier rage.  
“Just keep your dick away from him. He doesn’t need AIDS”. Marion’s fist clenched as hard as his jaw as the effort not to throw hands became superhuman. Dildo took out his vape stick and pulled deeply. “Marion my man, this will be a party to remember”.


	5. Chapter 5

If you asked anyone in the land what a party would look like when it was organised and attended by porn stars, they’d tell you the exact same thing. They’d say that it would be full of the most debauched, hedonistic things imaginable and a few things that were worse. They would say it was full of swinging dicks and bouncing tits and if you weren’t fucking or getting fucked then that’s because you weren’t invited.  
But the truth was, that stuff only happened on camera. They were all normal people just looking to celebrate the life and times of Dildo Shaggins. One of their greatest colleagues but also a good friend. And yes while Wham was pounding Rosebud’s rosebud over at the chocolate fountain and Sally was supplying cream for the strawberries, it was a mostly classy affair. But then again classy was a relative term and the bar was pretty low in a place who’s flag depicted a tri-race double penetration.  
Dildo walked among his guests, shaking hands and kissing cheeks, welcoming them to his party. Dodo walked alongside, helping his…family member play host. After each guest Dildo would whisper some little fact about them to Dodo and they’d share a small laugh.  
“Great to see you Peckarin Took! Enjoy the party!” Dildo called out joyously. “He and his wife are having an affair with the same person. But they all know about it. Weirdest thing”.  
“Old Fagger my boy! How the hell are you!” he said, slapping the man on the back. “That guy was once travelling through Brohan when he happened across a village of young Brohan women. He says he left a lot of swollen bellies there”.  
“Labia Suckville-Shaggins you crazy bitch. Who invited you?” Dildo’s tone turned angry as he snarled at the latest guest.  
“Do I look like I need an invitation?” She asked imperiously.  
“Just stay the fuck away from me and my guy here”. Dildo forcibly dragged Dodo away from their cousin or whatever. “That batshit freak tried to rip my dick off while she was sucking my balls”.  
“Holy fuck Dildo! I didn’t realise you ever did incest work” Dodo was more than a little nauseated at the discovery, but Dildo was shaking his head.  
“I didn’t. I woke up one night and she was there in my room; her husband was jerking it in the corner”.

They moved on from entrance and made their way through the party. A massive tent had been set up in the biggest field of the Choir but that was a common site when the Bracegirdle twins walked by. They and everyone else was under the marquee despite it being a warm summers evening. The gentle breeze blew through the party cooling everyone off and Dodo eventually got away from Dildo and went to hang out with his friends. Sally and Terry were relaxing in the corner drinking deeply of the free alcohol. Dodo joined them sipping from his own drink.  
“Having fun?” He asked, dropping into a spare seat. Sally nodded eagerly, a bright smile lighting up her beautiful face. Every now and then Dodo was shocked by her gorgeous face. No one would guess by looking at her that she was one of the kinkiest hobbits to grace SBM.  
“Lots of fun. So many thirsty people who want a taste”.  
“That’s good. I’m glad you’ve turned your…quirk into a success”. Dodo said genuinely. Sally Squirtin’ had an interesting condition with a convoluted medical name but to put it simply, she was wet. All the goddamn time. She’d been self-conscious about it at first but had learned to own it. And after a few tweaks to her diet, she was now the tastiest pussy in all the land. So long as she kept hydrated, the fountain never stopped flowing. Next year she was bringing out a vape flavour. Pre-orders were already in the thousands  
“Me too Dodo”, she grinned at him. “How are you enjoying the party?”  
“It’s weird Sal. I’m learning way too much about everyone here. When you know someones scrotum well enough to be able to spot a new mole, it’s time to quit the game. But Dildo loves the story about how he saved someone from cancer”.  
The three of them sat in silence a little longer, then Wham hobbled over. He gingerly sat down in an empty seat, groaning as he shuffled backwards.  
“You OK there Wham?” Terry asked.  
“There are some women who you give your nut to. There are other women who take your nut. Then there’s Rosebud Cotton. Her ass doesn’t take the nut. It steals the nut. It enslaves your testicles to make more and then she’ll steal that nut as well. It’ll steal your future loads. Fairly certain the next three times I bust it, nothing will come out. But her ass will start dripping and she’ll know”. Wham looked like he couldn’t decide if he was afraid, in pain or still orgasmic but either way, the frozen peas Terry handed him were gratefully accepted.  
The four friends sat their for a while, content to watch the party happen while Wham recovered the use of his testicles. They saw the Bracegirdle twins appear again and head their way coming from the backstage area.  
“Hey guys, Terry you’re up”. Three sets of eyes turned towards Terry.  
“Where you off Terry?” Sally asked.  
“The contest winner wants to meet me” Terry shrugged. “Not entirely sure why though”.  
Tiny Terry was aptly named and was widely known for his ‘common man’ persona. He was, in fact, average sized for the world at large but in the SBM he was positively miniscule. But with his extremely average dick and his series of TED talks about making the best of what you got, Terry was a global phenomenon. He received invitations to speak at various public events including graduations, birthday parties and funerals. He was known for his wit and simple honesty as well as finding the sexiest person there and fucking them into a coma. He was still a great porn star after all.   
“What do you mean ‘you’re not sure why’? You’re a legend. They want to learn from you, understand the genius who took what everyone thought a curse and turn it into a blessing. While they wanted the Bracegirdles to suck one nipple each, am I right?” Sally turned to the twins.  
“We gave her a Salty Thomas fuck you very much”. The twins flounced away as Sally shrugged.  
“Either way, go get her” Sally encouraged with a smile that wasn’t diminished by the smell of her lubricant in the air.

Terry marched off with a small smile and a shake of his head while the other three turned to the stage as Dildo walked up the stairs to the cries of ‘SPEECH!’  
He sauntered to the microphone and held it up.  
“My dear Shagginses and Stuffins, Tops and Bottoms, Bears, Twinks, Hornblowers, Bulgers, Bracegirdles and Proudtits”.  
“Proudtitties!” An old woman shouted out.  
“Maybe once Marge but not these days”, Dildo quipped to everyones amusement. “Today is my retirement from SBM!” Cheers roared from the crowd. “I am grateful to have worked for so long in the company of such admirable Hobbits. I haven’t fucked half of you as much as I would’ve liked. And I fucked less than half of you, half as well as you deserved”.  
An awkward silence fell over the crowd as they wondered who he meant. Except for the Suckville-Shaggins. They knew.  
“I’ve lived a good life here, but I feel that the time has come to move on. I will miss you all terribly. Goodbye”. Flames erupted from two big-dicked centaur statues flanking the stage and swallowed Dildo whole. After everyone had gotten over the shock of the light and heat they noticed that Dildo had vanished.


	6. Chapter 6

Dildo sat in his garden that overlooked the party where chaos now reigned. Some tried to find his body, others tried to find him alive while a few just kept partying harder than before. They were the ones Dildo would miss the most.  
He’d taken his fireproof suit off and dumped it in a cupboard somewhere. He didn’t tend to keep props from his movies but when Fyre FuckFest was scrapped he felt wasteful getting rid of the suit so he kept it. And was glad he did. As he watched the party, someone else, convinced by angel dust that Dildo had been consumed by the fire and ascended, activated the centaurs with him in the middle and was immediately burned to a crisp. Not a single Hobbit stopped him.  
“I’m not gonna lie Dildo, that was pretty good”. Marion, as per usual, had beaten him to the finish line and was waiting in his garden when he’d rocked up still smoking at the edges.  
“Thanks. I thought so as well”.   
“So what’s the plan now?” Dildo shrugged.  
“Why the hell do I need a plan? I’m gonna get my shit and go. Whatever happens, happens”.  
“Maybe take a camera with you for your travels. And a solar powered battery charger. The greatest porn star in the world is gonna have a few interesting things happen on the road”. Dildo considered Marion’s idea.  
“That’s not a bad shout. I might just do exactly that”.  
“Good. Just make sure you leave the Thing”.  
An awkward silence fell over the two of them.  
“Why the hell would I do that?” Dildo angrily demanded.  
“Because it’s not good for you to keep it on you all the time. It’s dangerous!” Marion turned on Dildo, fists clenched.  
“You stay the fuck out of my business Marion. What I do with that thing is none of your business!”  
“It is my business you fucking wank stain! And I’m telling you to leave it here for Dodo!”  
Dildo recoiled, a disgusted look on his face.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would I do that?”  
“It’s the right thing to do!” Marion all but screamed.  
“Why is giving Dodo my golden butt plug the right thing to do?”  
“Becau- wait what? Your what now?”  
“My golden butt plug. You don’t share things like that. I’ll just buy him his own if it means that much to you!”  
“I wasn’t talking about that”, Marion said as he calmed down. “I meant the Thing. That you found in the cave”. Dildo reached into his pocket and pulled out the Thing.  
“You mean this Thing?” Marion nodded. “Oh I don’t give a shit about this. Take it”. The Hobbit casually tossed the device at Marion who threw himself out of the way to avoid contact. “The fuck you do that for?” Dildo asked.  
“I don’t want my DNA on that Thing”.

It landed on the ground and they both stared at it silently for a few moments.  
“You know you’ll absorb gold into your body right?” Marion asked eventually.  
My cumshots glitter” Dildo grinned.  
They debated the appeal of a golden ejaculation for a few hours before it was time for Dildo to leave. The finest porn star the world would ever know walked away from his life of fame and fortune with nothing more than a single bag of supplies, a camera on a selfie-stick and a 24 carat gold butt plug tucked away nice and safe.


	7. Chapter 7

Marion waited for several hours before Dodo eventually returned. He stumbled through the door locked in a fierce embrace with Sally. Marion watched, amused, as Dodo almost slipped in her wake as she led the way across the hardwood floor.  
“How about I go first?” he said coming up for air. Before Sally could nod, Marion’s voice made them both jump.  
“Or how about I go first? Then you to can go back to making poor life choices”. Shaking off the shock they moved to join Marion where he was standing in front of the fireplace.   
“You’re not one to talk about poor life choices” Sally said. “Dildo told us all about your tramp stamp addiction”. Marion cursed silently and swore revenge when he ran into that fucker again.  
“Sally would you mind giving us some privacy?” She nodded graciously and, with a short running start, slid all the way to the bedroom. “How the hell did she do that?” Marion asked as the door closed. “There are two corners!”  
“It’s Sally” Dodo shrugged as if that was all the explanation required.  
“Yes it is. So your uncle is gone. How do you feel about that?”  
“A little sad but mostly happy. He’s been saying for a long time that he was close to the next Operating Thetan level and I guess he cracked it”.  
Marion sighed and rubbed his temples hard. “No Dodo. It was a trick. Dodo is still corporeal and he’s left to travel the world. He left you his Thing” A look of disgust appeared on Dodo’s face until Marion snapped “not his buttplug!”  
“Oh. Then what thing did he leave?”  
“Not thing. Thing”.  
“OK. What Thing did he leave?” Marion pulled out the Thing in question. It was wrapped in a scarf.  
“A mysterious Thing. A secret thing. It’s very important that you don’t in any way use it”.  
“I think we’ll be alright on that front, I’m not much of a scarf person to be honest”.  
“It’s inside the fucking scarf!” Marion threw the bundle at Dodo’s head in anger. “Why are you being an ass?”  
“Because while you’re here being dramatic, Sally is naked and in my bed waiting for me. So unless we wrap this up soon, I’m just going to annoy you more”.  
“Fine! We’re done here. Go!”  
With a crooked grin, Dodo made his way to the bedroom, scarf bundle in hand.  
“Remember Dodo” Marion called out to his retreating form. “Don’t ever use it!”

Dodo didn’t use it. He put it in a draw and promptly forgot about it when faced with Sally’s gorgeous form. By the time he woke up the next day, Marion had left. Things returned to normal after that. The fight to see who could replace Dildo as the number one began and there were only a few real contenders. But as the weeks became months and stretched into years, it was clear to everyone that Dodo was taking a commanding lead. Clearly a chip off the old cock. He also began a quiet relationship with Sally. They kept it secret as things like this had the potential to destroy both their careers but it made them happy and that was the only thing that mattered. Several years passed and Dodo helped take SBM to new heights. They led the kink industry and the marital aid business as well as performing outreach to combat porn addiction.  
SBM: The company that cared!  
But outside of the Briar things weren’t going so well. There was darkness in the land amid talks of depression and independence. Crackheads were seen in the streets and hiding in the Pneumonic Caverns. The aggressive re-branding campaign that Olion’s heartland had undergone couldn’t save it from the effects of the downturn and crackheads appeared in Happyland as well. Funtime Tower, where Easel Door had refused to destroy the Thing was now filling up again, where it had once been empty after Olion’s fall.   
There was tension in the land and it was growing. That was when Marion returned.


	8. Chapter 8

Dodo stumbled home after a long night in the tavern. He was a little drunk and a lot high but all in all he was just tired. SBM demanded more and more of his time and he found that while suited to a high flying porn career, Dodo wasn’t enjoying it. He wondered if his uncle had ever felt the same way and was annoyed that he couldn’t ask.  
“What kind of bastard changes his number the day before he leaves?” Dodo complained.  
He made it back home in one piece and was about to head to bed when he saw movement in the shadows.  
“Who’s there?” he demanded of the dark. There was no answer but he could clearly see a figure standing there, looking at him. The alcohol confused him and he didn’t know who started running first but the next thing Dodo knew they were both charging at each other.  
“GET OUT!” Dodo roared as he lowered his shoulder, ready to fuck up the intruder.  
CRASH  
“Motherfucking OW!” Dodo collapsed to the floor gripping his injured shoulder with his opposite hand as he knelt amongst the shards of the mirror he’d just broken. There was glass everywhere but thankfully he wasn’t cut up. “Stupid fucking idiot” Dodo mumbled to himself.  
“I have to say, I agree”. Dodo spun around to see Marion sitting in an armchair, fully visible by the moonlight streaming through the window. “I mean you didn’t even see me” the wizard continued. “I’m practically glowing silver but you saw the mirror-you before you saw the real me”. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Really makes me regret coming here to ask you a favour”.

Dodo stood up and shuffled to sit opposite the old man.  
“Then don’t ask. Easy. Simple. That way your regrets are never fully realised”. Marion frowned.  
“You’re pretty logical all of a sudden”.  
“You’d be surprised at how fast a broken shoulder sobers you up” Dodo replied.  
“Either way I have a quest for you”.  
“The last time I went on a quest for you, I almost got AIDS!” Dodo watched, confused as Marion looked away. Not at anything but seemingly through everything and whispered the word “foreshadowing”.  
“I didn’t tell you to stick that dirty needle in your arm did I?” Marion asked, returning to the here and now.  
“Yes actually! I think you’ll find that you did!” Dodo shouted.  
“And you were smart enough not to. That wisdom will come in handy with what’s coming up”.  
The wizard and the Hobbit stared at each other but Dodo knew he was beaten. Eventually he sighed, shrugged, then began viciously swearing at the pain.  
“What’s the fucking quest”, he said through gritted teeth.  
“I need to you take the Thing somewhere”. Dodo started fishing around in his pockets.  
“You mean this Thing?” he asked, tossing it onto the table between them.  
With a hiss and a yowl, Marion clambered up the nearest shelf and refused to come down until Dodo had put it away again.  
“Yes, that Thing” he said, brushing his snow white hair into place as he sat back on the chair.  
“Where?”  
“A place I know. Don’t you want to know why it needs to be moved?”  
“Not real-  
“For you see! That Thing is not just any thing. It is the Thing of Olion!” There was a moment of silence following Marion’s unnecessarily dramatic pronouncement.  
“Who’s that?” Dodo asked.  
“Don’t you know your history? The evil guy. Tried to take over the world using back deals and shady politics. Blackmailed everyone by using the Thing”.  
“Isn’t he dead?” Marion shook his head.  
“No. He kind of faded from the spotlight and deactivated all of his social media accounts. He went off the grid and no one really followed up with that because the media had moved onto some new virus that has a vaccine and is therefore infecting thousands of idiots. But the word is he’s making a comeback and to do it, he needs his Thing. He’s getting his people together. His old Entourage, His fixers, His support staff. Call them what you want but there are nine of them and they are just the worst pieces of shit. But they’re white, armed, and privileged and they are looking for that Thing. And some cunt told them where to find it”.

Dodo finally started to panic at the idea that white gunmen were coming for him. A single, lone wolf gunman working with eight other lone wolf gunmen. What were the odds?  
“I need to get out of here now”. Marion nodded and for a few hectic minutes the two of them packed everything they could think he may need on his travels.  
“There’s something else you’ll need” Marion said as the bag was finally closed over the golden butt plug.  
“What?” Dodo asked. Marion stamped on the floor twice and the closet door opened to reveal Wham, Sally and Terry.  
“Cannon fodder”.


	9. Chapter 9

The four Hobbits travelled down a winding dirt road that cut through the forest of Winters Bush. It was a peculiar place. When the night lengthened and the days grew cold, it began to grow alarmingly fast, almost as if to warn travellers that only death lay beyond. Only the bravest ever attempted to cross during the dark seasons. However during the summer months it was a wonderfully cultivated garden. Sometimes wonderfully smooth and others times well kept, with patterns and sigils appearing in the ground. It lay between the Briar and the village of Scree which was where Marion had told them to go. “I’ll meet you there”, he’d said before mounting his bike and roaring away. Clearly the trying times had convinced him to do away with his stupid horse and cart act.  
As they travelled, all four agreed that Marion, being as unreliable as a chocolate dildo, wouldn’t meet them in Scree and were trying to figure out what they’d do after.  
“We could just wipe the fucking Thing and give it to some recycling centre” Wham said as they walked.  
“I’m not supposed to use it or even turn it on. Probably got Find My Friends, or some other bullshit nonsense” Dodo replied from the front.  
“Then lets throw it under an electromagnet and be done with it” Terry offered as he and Sally picked at some mushrooms they’d found along the roadside.  
“Also no. What if everything is backed up onto the cloud?” Dodo pointed out. “Best thing is to just get to the Dancing Donkey and see what happens. We can stay a night and if no new information reveals itself then we can make plans”.  
They carried on for several minutes before Terry pointed out something strange.  
“Does no one else find it weird that we’ve been walking for ages but we’re not really moving?” Everyone came to a stop and looked around.  
“I thought that was weird but I assumed it was because I’m high” Sally said causing Dodo to sigh.  
“New rule. No more drugs during the quest. It’s not safe”.  
“Making up rules that everyone else has to follow. How white of you”. Sally’s comment would have caused a fight had Wham not interjected.  
“Are we travelling close to the speed of light?”  
“No. Even if we were that would make us longer. Not the path” Terry said but Wham shook his head.  
“If we were travelling at the speed of light then from our frame of reference, the land is moving that speed meaning it would increase in length. Learn your Lorentz Transformations before you make the rest of us look bad”.  
“We’re not travelling the speed of light because we don’t have infinite energy!” Sally snapped. “Dodo do you know whats happening?” She turned but Dodo wasn’t there. “Dodo? Dodo!”  
“Over here!”  
His voice came from a tree on the side of the road and everyone else scrambled up to join him.  
“Why are we in a tree?” Wham asked, adjusting a branch that was poking his kidney.  
“Because we’re obviously not breaking the laws of physics so clearly it’s some fucked up shit going on. Meaning we hide.”  
There was no arguing with that logic so the four of them stayed as quiet as they could as the wind blowing through the forest got colder and colder.  
“Is this fucked up shit as well?” Terry whispered.  
“No. It’s night time” Dodo replied.  
They’d been in the tree for at least an hour and were on the verge of climbing back down when they heard a noise. A footstep. Then another. And a third. It quickly became obvious that someone was walking towards them. Or they were doing lunges. But the former was far more likely this forest was only used by crossfitters who were famous for not doing any exercise unless it was more than 80% likely they’d cripple themselves doing it.  
The four tried to peer through the leaves but couldn’t get any sort of real glimpse of whoever it was, but they felt the bigly malevolence radiating from them. The footsteps got closer and closer to the tree until everyone thought they’d been seen. But Sally, picked up one of her mushrooms and threw it away. The person down there turned and chased the sound until they were all alone. They all but dropped from the tree.  
“We need to get out of here now” Wham said with quiet urgency. “Quickest way to Scree?” he asked.  
“Huckleberry Finn ferry”, Sally answered. “Follow me”.

SBM prided itself on being an open and inclusive place to work, welcoming of everyone who wanted to work there. But even they were slaves to the market and the truth was, porn that featured fat people didn’t do as well. As such all four were forced to stay in great shape. It helped them last longer, fuck harder and at this moment in time, run faster.  
It was three miles to the docks and they needed every ounce of speed. Because they weren’t alone in the Bush.  
They hurtled through the dense, scraggly undergrowth. Dodging trees and branches as best they could while keeping an ear out for any pursuers. But they were making so much noise that it was almost impossible for them to hear anyone else. And impossible for anyone else to miss them. A roar cut through the noise and then one of them appeared. One of the Nine. Slick-backed hair and a cheap suit with a grin that screamed ‘consent not required’. He appeared directly in their path, arms reaching out for them.  
“Happyland First!” he screamed, lunging forwards.  
The Hobbits scattered, diving in any direction they could. Dodo rolled up and found the guy advancing on him.  
“Just do it. You know you want to anyway. And if you don’t I’ll tell everyone you did it anyway”. Dodo backed away from him.  
“What the fuck are you talking about?”  
“Give me the Thing!”  
Dodo dodged this way and that. Twisting and turning, trying to get rid of his pursuer.  
“Dodo!”, Terry cried out from ahead. They’d escaped the attentions of this guy. “Hurry up!”  
Dodo dived through a thick bush, avoiding the crabs that festered there. He sprinted as fast as he could towards his friends who’d made it onto the boat. Sally was untying the rope while Wham and Terry were about to push off.  
“Go!” He cried out, running as fast as he could. He could hear footsteps behind him and it sounded like more than one pair. But he didn’t look back. The boat was getting further and further away and at the end of the dock, Dodo jumped with all his strength.  
Which was too much as he went sailing over the ferry and landed in the water on the other side. He surfaced and grabbed Sally’s hand, letting her pull him aboard. He collapsed on his back, face and clothes completely soaked, gasping for air. Sally looked down at him with a small smile.  
“What’s so funny?” he rasped.  
“You look like I’ve just spent ten minutes sitting on your face”.

They made it to the village of Scree just after nightfall. It was a simple place that leaned into the rustic vibe it had going. Inns instead of hotels and AirBnB’s. They walked through the streets trying to keep their faces covered, not just because it was raining but because they would be recognised. At one point an overweight man with a terrible face stopped dead in the streets, staring at them. “Sally Squirtin’? I’m a huge fan! I have your face tattooed on my right hand!” All the Hobbits pulled their hoods up higher and barged through the door of the Dancing Donkey.  
“Porn star fan-boys are the fucking worst” Wham said as they shook the rain off of them.  
“Oh yeah” Dodo snorted. “Because in other industries women are so well-treated”. Sally looked at him with a small smile as he rang the bell at the reception desk. “Marion told us to meet him here. Hopefully that bastard will be on time and we can get rid of this fucking Thing”.  
“Ssshhh!” Terry said, looking around to make sure no one overheard. “We shouldn’t talk about it where people can hear. In public lets just call it the thing”.  
They all agreed to the code and waited to be seen to.  
“Hello everyone! I’m the owner of this establishment. The highest rated inn on TripAdvisor within a hundred miles! How many rooms can I set you up for? We have some nice Hobbit class beds if you’re interested. Reinforced for…extra impact”.  
“It amazes me that you’re the highest rated when you’ve already racially stereotyped us five seconds after we walked in”. The owners face went white as he tried to explain that his was a very inclusive place, going so far as to mention that his accountant was a goth.  
“Spare us your false tolerance and point us to Marion”, Sally said. The owners face went white again and at this point it was becoming more and more likely that he was just pale.  
“Marion? Guy who calls himself a wizard? Haven’t seen him for six months”.  
“Well…shit” Dodo summarised.

They ended up in the bar, eating their evening meal as they debated what to do.  
“How can we possibly do anything else?” Sally demanded of them.  
“We always have a choice Sally” Wham argued. “We choose our own fates in this matter”.  
“We can choose and I have chosen. Fuck the rest of the world, this is what I want”. They all looked to Dodo to settle the matter.  
“O.K” he said eventually. “This is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get dessert. But we’re not getting the souffle”. The Hobbits celebrated and commiserated in their own ways but turned to other matters.  
“We can’t leave now. It’s pitch black outside”. Wham’s point was accepted by everyone. “So I say we stay here for the night and head out first thing tomorrow”.  
“Head out to where?” Terry asked. “We have no idea where we’re supposed to go with this…thing”.  
“We’ll figure it out in the morning” Dodo sighed, rubbing his eyes. “For now, everyone just eat. Get your strength back. I think we’ll need it”.  
Terry and Sally took ‘eat’ to mean drink and went off to the bar, leaving Dodo and Wham alone. After a few minutes of silent chewing, Wham got Dodo’s attention.  
“Don’t look now D, but there’s a guy hidden away in the corner. He’s been watching us since we walked in here”.  
“A fan?” Dodo asked, keeping his face firmly pointed at his food.  
“I don’t think so. He’s not playing with himself under the table”.  
“Then who could it be?”

The pair quickly ate the rest of their food and decided to join Terry and Sally at the bar. They made their way through the now-crowded room, full of people who’d come in to eat dinner. Single men and women hoping to forget about the loneliness waiting for them at home mixed with family men and women hoping to forget about the chaos that awaited them when they got back. And through the middle squeezed two Hobbits just trying to get passed. Dodo stumbled here and there, tripping over feet that seemed to fill his path. He used one hand to try and push his way between all these people while the other hand…the other hand was reaching for his Thing. He didn’t even notice he was doing it. His hand was just moving lower and lower, and just as he got a firm grip on his Thing, a foot all but kicked him and Dodo found the space to go flying.  
His back hit the ground a second before his head did. Dazed Dodo didn’t realise the Thing had gone flying into the air until it landed in his outstretched hand. Then it turned on.  
The stranger in the corner jumped to his feet.  
Dodo didn’t turn invisible. Why would he? Do you turn invisible when you turn your iPad on? No. Of course you don’t.  
There. In full view of everyone in the tavern, the Thing turned on and began to blare.  
“Vaccinations will turn your kids into trolls!”  
“Eagle chem trails force you to cheat on your wife!”  
“All Orc lives matter!”

The crowd recoiled from the assault on their senses but one or two perked up, listening to words that made them feel smart. The Fake News rang throughout the tavern until Dodo managed to crawl his way under the table and turn the Thing off. Everything grew silent and then raucous conversation about what had just happened filled the room. His entire body relaxed at not getting caught. That was when a hand wrapped around his throat and dragged him away.  
Dodo was used to being choked. He hadn’t racked up the numbers Dildo had but he’d been in every type of porn film there was to offer and that included ones where asphyxiation was the name of the game. It was just a job to him but neural associations were hard to shake. Which is why when the stranger finally threw him into a room, Dodo had a massive, throbbing erection. The stranger was immediately taken aback.  
“Just er…what do you think is about to happen?” The voice was deep, and powerful. It made the hairs on the back of Dodo’s neck stand up.  
“It’s a reflex. Just ignore it” Dodo rasped, massaging his neck.  
“Ignore it?” The stranger repeated. “I can see your heartbeat, in your dick!”  
“You know, you gotta lot of attitude for someone who just kidnapped me and threw me in your bedroom” Dodo snapped. “Is it no fun when someone is willing? You need them to fight you off? Is that the only way you can get it up?”  
The stranger threw his arms in the air and turned his face upwards. “The rape jokes are getting a little stale” he muttered. Dodo furrowed his brow.  
“What are you talki-Who are you talking to?”  
“Doesn’t matter. Listen, I’m not going to fuck you, but I might fuck you up for what you did out there. If I was carrying what you’re carrying then I’d be more careful”.  
“I’m not carrying anything”. The man sighed.  
“It’s a big fuck-off tablet. I can literally see it in your hand”. Dodo belatedly realised this and tried to hide it behind his back. He sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose.  
“Why is the MC always such a fucking moron?”  
“What does that mean?” Dodo asked, befuddled by his random, nonsensical ramblings but he was ignored. He strolled over to the windows and pulled all the curtains closed, turning lamps off as he did. “Why are you doing all that?” Dodo asked.  
“Snipers” came the reply. “Best to avoid being seen”.  
There was a half-seconds warning before the door swung open and Wham, Terry, and Sally came charging in wielding an assortment of weapons including a twelve-inch, stainless steel dildo and a pair of fur handcuffs. Dodo barely had time to turn towards the door before they came in but he saw that the man had drawn two guns from somewhere on his person and had one aimed at Terry and the other at Wham.  
Wham had opened his mouth to talk but was interrupted by the stranger, “how about we skip all the white man has guns jokes and move on. I’m Walker. Because I walk everywhere”. The Hobbits stared at him, bemused. “Yeah I know, the author isn’t really trying”. The other three Hobbits turned to Dodo as if hoping for an explanation but Dodo shrugged as well. “We can’t stay here”, Walker said. “I know you’re waiting for Marion but after what happened out there we can no longer afford to wait. We have to get out of here as soon as we can”.  
“Listen Walker, I don’t know why you’re suddenly throwing the word ‘we’ around but you are not part of we. We have been travelling for a very long time and we need to rest. You can do whatever you like. Come on guys”.


	10. Chapter 10

It was a dark night. This may seem like an obvious statement but think about the difference between a summers night with the moon shining down and a winters night with a thick blanket of black clouds covering the sky. See? Different types of dark nights. Then there’s Batman but thats another type of Dark Knight often find occupying the other types of dark nights. But this night was very dark. Mist flowed sluggishly through the streets of Scree and walking in the mist came the Entourage.  
Five of them stalked the night in the same way they would stalk any woman walking alone. They’d already left one body behind them and they were looking to leave a few more. One of them looked at the device in his hand and followed the directions to a last known location. They kicked down the door of a local hotel and walked inside. Who was going to stop them? Didn’t they know who their fathers were?  
Down the halls and into a locked room; there wasn’t a locked door that could keep these men out. They took one bed each and fought their natural instinct to slip naked under the covers with whoever was there. Four handguns with four silencers were pulled from four coats. Four suppressed gunshots and then four screams when the covers were pulled back to reveal sex dolls instead of Hobbits.  
They raged, trashing the room and leaving through the window they’d just broken. And all of this was watched by Dodo and his friends from literally the other side of the road. They didn’t even bother to draw the curtains as they spied on their would-be assassins.  
“You have to admit” Wham said after a few moments. “The beds really are sturdy. The only things left standing in the room” The Hobbits agreed. Poor quality bed frames weren’t just annoying but a serious health hazard in their line of work.  
“We need to find out where he bought them” Sally said to general agreement.  
“It was a good thing you listened to me after all”, Walker said as he came out of the toilet.  
“So it seems” Dodo admitted. “It would be very hard to get the room tidy with Hobbit brains everywhere. OK you’ve earned the right to say we. For the time being you’re an honorary Hobbit. You should see penis growth in the next eight to twelve months after the paperwork gets filed with the Hobbit High Council”.  
“Wait what?” Walker was thrown but Dodo rolled his eyes.   
“What’s the plan?” Dodo asked.  
“We need to get you to Safe Space”.  
“Any places in mind?” Dodo watched as Walker sighed again and cast an almost angry glance skyward. He did this very frequently and Dodo hadn’t figured it out yet.  
“No. It’s called Safe Space. Because it’s a safe space. Understand?”  
“That sounds…” Sally trailed off, unable to finish her thought but Walker jumped in.  
“Like lazy writing? Poor planning? An insult to the memory of a literary genius?”  
“Er…sure?”  
“Regardless” Wham broke in, before the conversation could become too confusing, “we need to get moving now”.  
“No. Not yet” Walkers words stopped all the Hobbits in their tracks. “The Entourage are still fairly close by. We’ll wait until daybreak then head out then. Until then, everyone get some sleep. I’ll keep watch”.  
“Yeah well keep watch in that direction” Sally said pointing away from her bed. “Watching me while I sleep isn’t free”. She slid, literally, into her bed and was asleep within seconds.  
“Was she serious?” Walker asked Terry. He nodded.  
“Sally Squirtin’ has cornered the market on fetish. You name it she’s done it. I’m surprised you haven’t seen her stuff”. Walker shook his head.  
“I don’t watch porn”.  
“Religious or moral reasons?”  
“Neither. I just prefer to get laid”.

The sun rose on the four Hobbits leaving Scree with Walker leading the way. They immediately left the track and ventured into the forest that seemed to be everywhere. They kept a reasonable pace and by midday were trekking across a flat plain.  
“Where the hell are we going?” Wham asked as they snacked on apples to keep them going. “Safe Space is a cool name and all but where the fuck actually is it?”  
“If everyone knew where it was then it wouldn’t be a very safe space now would it?” Dodo argued, more out of boredom than anything else.  
“That’s an excellent point Dodo. Except that all someone would need is a drone with a camera and anyone would be able to find it”, Sally pointed out.  
“Regardless of the plotholes” Walker said, “Safe Space is not our immediate destination. We’re heading to Watch Tower. It’s on the way so we won’t lose any time”.  
“Which watch tower?” Wham asked causing Walker to glance skywards again.  
“No. It’s called Watch Tower”.  
“A watch tower called Watch Tower?” Dodo sounded incredulous. “There are so many things wrong with that. Whoever called it that is a fucking idiot”. Just as Dodo finished talking, he tripped on a root which seemed to appear out of nowhere. He went sprawling across the ground, dirtying his clothes and scraping his hands and knees. The other Hobbits helped him up as Walker had gone a funny colour and was scanning the horizon as if looking for threats. Dodo stood, trying and failing to clean his clothes. “Relax Walker. It was just an accident”.  
“Right. Accident. Sure” One final upwards glance and they continued as if nothing had ever happened.  
Watch Tower appeared on the horizon within a few hours and before the sun had set they were climbing it to spend the night. It was an old building, with boarded up windows and rats everywhere. In each room there was decay so they decided to spend the night on the roof, under the stars. The four hobbits set their sleeping bags close to each other to keep warm. As they all nestled in, Walker placed a bag down in front of them.  
“Here you go. One for each of you”. Inside the bag were four handguns. They were plain but well kept for. Each one of them gleamed in the starlight, reeking of gun oil. The serial numbers were of course, scratched off.  
“Where did you get these?” Terry asked, holding the pistol between his thumb and index finger.  
“You live the life I do and you acquire things” was all the explanation that was forthcoming. With a flourish of his winter coat, Walker vanished inside the building. Shaking his head, Dodo wiggled deeper into his sleeping bag. Sally was on one side and Wham on the other. Content, he fell asleep…and was woken by the smell of food. His eyelids fluttered as he shook away the last remnants of tiredness and saw a bright, blazing fire and the makeshift grill over it.  
“What are you doing?” Dodo cried out, struggling to get out of the bag.  
“Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon!” Terry said with a bright smile.  
“We save some for you Dodo” Wham offered, holding a plate out.  
“Put it out you fools, put it out!” Dodo did his best to put out the fire, stomping on it with his walking boots.  
“Oh that’s nice! There’s ash in my tomatoes!” Sally complained.  
Just then a piercing scream filled the air. The scream of a victim. The Hobbits looked at each other before racing to the edge of the roof and looked over. There, right at the bottom five figures walked into the Watch Tower. Dodo looked at his friends, terrified.  
“Find the fire escape!”  
They scattered. Each one running around the perimeter of the roof looking for some way out.  
“There’s nothing here!” Wham called out, going back and forth.  
“The fire escape is fucked!” Sally said leaning far over the edge. “It broke ages ago! We have to go down the stairs!” They sprinted to the door leading to the rest of the building and heard laughter over the echoes of running boots. They slammed the door shut and backed away.  
“Fuck! Fuck! What do we do?” Terry cried out as they all grouped together as far from the door as they could.  
“We don’t start cooking fires when we’re being chased by evil bastards!” Dodo shouted, trying to pull out the gun Walker had given him. The other Hobbits followed suit and just as the door slammed open all four had their weapons out and pointing at the five well dressed men emerged and began to walk towards them.  
Dodo hadn’t noticed this before but all the men were quite handsome. Dressed in designer clothing, well groomed and had a charismatic look to them. Each one had the kind of face that seemed to want to try and charm you into committing genocide. They walked closer towards the Hobbits, grinning sadistically at each of them in turn. Wham, bless his soul, stepped forwards and aimed his weapon.  
“Fuck off you alt-right bastards!” He pulled the trigger and it jammed. He was thrown to the ground.  
Terry and Sally stepped together, shielding Dodo with their bodied and not even bothering to raise their guns. They too were tossed aside.  
The five then marched on Dodo, striding purposefully and the Hobbit was paralysed with fear. The one at the front stretched out his hand and Dodo found that he was holding the Thing. There was a notification flashing on the screen.  
Activate Augmented Reality?

Dodo clicked yes and held up the Thing.   
There was a Blastoise not five feet away from him but between him and the last Pokemon he needed to collect all 150, were five monstrous ghouls. They were skeletal, rotting figures, covered in what looked like black burial shrouds. Without any legs to stand on they were forced to drag themselves across the floor towards him. Dodo compared what he saw without the Thing to what he saw on the screen and was disgusted. Then the creature at the front drew his weapon and shot Dodo right in the shoulder.  
It wasn’t something complex like a combination of fire and ice where he was still waiting for two sevenths of the pain while wishing he had two eighths less of the torture; this was pure heat. More than Dodo had ever felt and it burned him from the inside. He screamed.  
“Aaarrgh!” His cry echoed through the night and was cut short, as the pain ratcheted up leaving him unable to breathe. What he was seeing became blurry as he rapidly descended towards unconsciousness. He barely saw Walker arrive.  
The man sprinted up the same stairs the Entourage had come from wielding a fire extinguisher in each hand. He dropped and rolled underneath their line of fire, rising, turning and foaming them all in a single move. They roared in anger as, without their consent, their faces were covered and mouths were filled with this white substance. Coughing and spitting, eyes tearing up, they fled from Walker. Sprinting down the stairs before he could get another shot at them. He waited for a few seconds to make sure, then abandoned the extinguishers as he ran to Dodo’s side.   
“He’s been shot” Walker muttered to himself. Various items from his pack went flying until he found clean rags to stem the bloodflow.  
“No shit” Terry snapped, annoyed at his own failure to hold the bastards. “What do we do?”  
“The bullet went through so that’s good but these guys aren’t the type to use normal bullets” Walker explained. “They’ll cover their ammunition with poison. Arsenic, Cyanide, Belladonna. Or failing that they just coat them with shit. So I’m willing to bet he’s been infected by something. There’s only one place that can heal him now”.  
“A hospital?” Sally asked, gripping Dodo’s hand as pain spasmed though his body.  
“Exactly. But budget cuts and health insurance spikes means the closest hospital is where we were going anyway” Walker said. “How’s that for coincidence?”


	11. Chapter 11

The group ran through the trees as fast as they could without tripping over and breaking their necks. Walker carried Dodo slung over his back, which was no easy thing. Hobbits were short but no one wanted to see a scrawny man fuck, regardless of how big his dick was. Dodo was four foot of pure chiselled muscle and Walker was not having an easy time of it. But he didn’t move any slower because of it, setting a brutal pace that forced the Hobbits to dig deep and push through the pain. Almost as though he was overcompensating for having the smallest penis in the group.  
“Walker, why do you look so angry?” Terry asked as they took a short break.  
“No fucking reason” he spat through gritted teeth, almost purposefully not making eye contact with any of the conscious Hobbits. Wham pulled some leaves off of a plant and showed them to Walker.  
“This is Kingsfoil. Do you think it’ll help?”  
“Do I look like a fucking botanist?” Walker asked, still angry at something. Wham ignored him and sat down next to Dodo, chewing the leaves and smearing the paste across the bullet wounds. Dodo gasped at the stinging pain that was followed by a moment of clarity.  
“Wham!” Dodo gasped, “When’s the last time you got tested?”  
“Every month Dodo. Company policy, you know that”. Dodo nodded and drifted back into a feverish state, moaning at the visions he saw.  
They all looked at each other, worried at what would happen to their friend if he didn’t get to Safe Space in time.  
“I don’t think we can afford any more breaks” Terry said, as they packed up their meagre food. The other Hobbits nodded and waited for Walker to pick Dodo up before carrying on.  
“If only someone wasn’t stupid enough to light a beacon signalling their location to the murderous bastards looking for them”, Walker remarked.  
“It seemed like the thing to do” Sally shrugged.  
“It was the thing to do” Walker agreed. “And sometimes, something is so stupid that you can’t even parody it. You just gotta rip it off”. Even with the extra person on his back, Walker picked up the pace and soon put some distance between himself and the other Hobbits. But every now and then the wind would turn and they’d hear snippets of sentences.  
“I don’t blame you.”  
“There really was nothing stupider you could’ve done.”  
“Keep writing man. You can do this.”  
“I don’t have the smallest penis here do I? I mean…surely Sally?”  
“You’re right, it’s none of my business what she’s got.”  
All of it was incomprehensible so the Hobbits spoke among themselves. Sharing their worries for Dodo as well as for themselves. This was nothing like what they’d expected when they’d set out from the Briar. They were hoping for a quick jaunt, maybe some on-the-road footage for their next compilation, and then be back home for Casual Fridays, which, in the porn industry, is when people wear more clothes. Just as they passed what appeared to be the setting for one of Dildo’s classic movies (his entire body of work was mandatory viewing in the academy) they heard the same scream as before.  
“How did they find us?” Wham demanded, spinning in circles to see if they were already upon them.  
“More importantly, we’re in the middle of nowhere. How did they find another victim?” Shelly’s question was answered by more screams.  
“Everyone they meet is a victim” Walker replied.  
“Maybe not everyone” said a perfectly harmonised voice from the trees.  
Everyone immediately twisted towards the voice, Dodo flying off the shoulder as Walker turned. There from the greenery came out an incomprehensibly beautiful woman. Perfectly flawless, she seemed to glow from within. She stood there, basking in the adoration of the Hobbits as her hair flowed in a breeze that didn’t exist.  
“Turn your filter off #Tharnen” Walker said after a second or two.  
The goddess of a woman who put even Sally to shame scowled at him. An exquisite scowl that caused all the Hobbits to sigh. But then the glowing stopped, the hair fell and she looked decidedly more normal as both her cleavage and her ass shrank visibly.  
“Wait, what the fuck just happened?” Terry said, blinking furiously.  
“She’s an Instagrelf” Wham whispered. “Capable of filtering her perception at will. I never thought I’d see the day”.  
#Tharnen walked towards Walker who sat with a dry-heaving Dodo.  
“I’ve been looking for you for three days” she said.  
“Translation, you were looking for one day and spent the other two days doing shoots”. Walker’s raised eyebrow was rewarded with a nonchalant shrug.  
“I have to keep my activity up otherwise I lose my diet tea sponsorships”.  
“‘Why give a shit when you can give two?’“ #Tharnen smiled wide at Walker.  
“You’ve seen my ads!”  
“I have. You look great.”  
“Thanks! We’ll talk about it later, right now we need to get him to my father”. Walkers smile turned upside down.  
“You mean to the hospital, right?” #Tharnen nodded.  
“Yes to the hospital but dad’s doing some health thing so it’ll be cool to get a couple pre-healing videos”.  
At this point Sally was about to slap the hashtag off of her name but more screams echoed through the air, and they were getting closer.  
“Give him to me, I’ve got my ride. You guys can catch up” #Thernan pulled back a few branches to reveal a brilliantly white motorcycle complete with two helmets.  
“It’s dangerous. Let me do it” Walker said.  
“And let you hog all the likes? No thanks buddy” She swung her legs over the bike and Walker strapped Dodo in behind her, his helmeted head resting on her back. The engine came to life, the vibrations shaking the ground itself. Just before she rode away, #Thernan noticed the Hobbits standing there, dumbstruck. “Oh hey. Sally Slippin’. I’m a huge fan. Nothing makes me bust that nut harder than when I’m watching you”. She turned and sped from their clearing as Sally waved in a single, confused gesture.  
“It’s still weird when it’s a woman” Sally said eventually.  
The ride was long and hard which is what she said. They tore through the rest of the forest and were out into the fields that lay between them and Safe Space. The miles flew by with ease as her motorbike ate up the distance but the easy portion of the ride was over when the Entourage turned up.

#Thernan was swerving as she was riding with one hand and using the other to get a perfect selfie. She used her filter to enhance her figure, pulling the zip of her leather jacket down enough to display the goods while airbrushing Dodo’s arms out of reality. Later when he healed (spoiler alert) Dodo would tell everyone about the nightmares of him slowly vanishing from the world. Five minutes into the impromptu photoshoot, #Thernan noticed something behind her in the latest image. The enemy had found them.  
Filter off, phone away, helmet down. #Thernan began to take this seriously. She kicked it up into high gear and shot forwards, scattering creatures of all sizes with the sound of her engine. But no matter how fast she rode, the Entourage were catching up with her. She turned and they were cutting her off. They rode into her forcing her to swerve away. One of them even made a grab for Dodo, gripping his arm tight but #Thernan airbrushed him again and the Entourage’s fist slipped through Dodo’s suddenly insubstantial bicep.  
The chase continued over rolling fields and across trodden paths and over a road or two, and as time went on Dodo slipped further away from the living world.  
“Stay with me Dodo” #Thernan muttered as the river caught her eye. Past the Influencer river and the magic of her people would keep her safe. “Stay with me”. The river didn’t seem to move at all until suddenly it was right in front of her. The smell of fresh water filling the air that was already heavy with moisture. It beaded on her helmet and leathers but she made it across despite the drop in her visibility, instinctively guiding the bike across the safe path.  
She turned harshly once on the opposite bank, her wheels kicking up dirt and pebbles as she faced her pursuers. They were arrayed on the far side of the river, their black motorbikes covered in problematic brand logos and sponsorship deals.  
“Give up the porn star Shinstagrelf”, they called out over the turbulent waters of the Influencer. #Thernan whipped out her phone and spent a couple minutes on it, taking photos and making videos before replying.  
“Check my story for the answer!”  
The Entourage were taken aback and pulled out their phones. It took a while for them to get signal as their data plan was unreliable outside of Happyland.  
“What kind of influencer has a private account?” one of them moaned. It took another few minutes before they had all been approved by the account holder and were able to watch her story. They were all treated to several shots of the chase followed by a single image captioned with “After chasing me for so long these guys just asked me to give it up? At least buy a girl a drink first ;) PS try FireHose Diet Tea!!! It works wonders!!!”  
They all screamed in rage after two of them swiped up to get the discount code, and charged straight across the river. But by then the magic had been wrought. The secret behind Instagrelf Filter magic was that it compounded with every Instagrelf that used it. So if #Thernan used her Action filter on the river it would become rougher. But if her and her father both used it then it would be more than twice as dangerous.  
But if every Instagrelf used it then the results were unimaginable. But no one had to imagine it because #Thernan caught the whole thing on her phone. The destructive force of a river released upon nine Nazi’s who deserved it became the number 1 trending video for that week. #Thernan gained notoriety as her sponsorships jumped. And while all this was happening, Dodo lay dying on the bank.


	12. Chapter 12

The group ran through the trees as fast as they could without tripping over and breaking their necks. Walker carried Dodo slung over his back, which was no easy thing. Hobbits were short but no one wanted to see a scrawny man fuck, regardless of how big his dick was. Dodo was four foot of pure chiselled muscle and Walker was not having an easy time of it. But he didn’t move any slower because of it, setting a brutal pace that forced the Hobbits to dig deep and push through the pain. Almost as though he was overcompensating for having the smallest penis in the group.  
“Walker, why do you look so angry?” Terry asked as they took a short break.  
“No fucking reason” he spat through gritted teeth, almost purposefully not making eye contact with any of the conscious Hobbits. Wham pulled some leaves off of a plant and showed them to Walker.  
“This is Kingsfoil. Do you think it’ll help?”  
“Do I look like a fucking botanist?” Walker asked, still angry at something. Wham ignored him and sat down next to Dodo, chewing the leaves and smearing the paste across the bullet wounds. Dodo gasped at the stinging pain that was followed by a moment of clarity.  
“Wham!” Dodo gasped, “When’s the last time you got tested?”  
“Every month Dodo. Company policy, you know that”. Dodo nodded and drifted back into a feverish state, moaning at the visions he saw.  
They all looked at each other, worried at what would happen to their friend if he didn’t get to Safe Space in time.  
“I don’t think we can afford any more breaks” Terry said, as they packed up their meagre food. The other Hobbits nodded and waited for Walker to pick Dodo up before carrying on.  
“If only someone wasn’t stupid enough to light a beacon signalling their location to the murderous bastards looking for them”, Walker remarked.  
“It seemed like the thing to do” Sally shrugged.  
“It was the thing to do” Walker agreed. “And sometimes, something is so stupid that you can’t even parody it. You just gotta rip it off”. Even with the extra person on his back, Walker picked up the pace and soon put some distance between himself and the other Hobbits. But every now and then the wind would turn and they’d hear snippets of sentences.  
“I don’t blame you.”  
“There really was nothing stupider you could’ve done.”  
“Keep writing man. You can do this.”  
“I don’t have the smallest penis here do I? I mean…surely Sally?”  
“You’re right, it’s none of my business what she’s got.”  
All of it was incomprehensible so the Hobbits spoke among themselves. Sharing their worries for Dodo as well as for themselves. This was nothing like what they’d expected when they’d set out from the Briar. They were hoping for a quick jaunt, maybe some on-the-road footage for their next compilation, and then be back home for Casual Fridays, which, in the porn industry, is when people wear more clothes. Just as they passed what appeared to be the setting for one of Dildo’s classic movies (his entire body of work was mandatory viewing in the academy) they heard the same scream as before.  
“How did they find us?” Wham demanded, spinning in circles to see if they were already upon them.  
“More importantly, we’re in the middle of nowhere. How did they find another victim?” Shelly’s question was answered by more screams.  
“Everyone they meet is a victim” Walker replied.  
“Maybe not everyone” said a perfectly harmonised voice from the trees.  
Everyone immediately twisted towards the voice, Dodo flying off the shoulder as Walker turned. There from the greenery came out an incomprehensibly beautiful woman. Perfectly flawless, she seemed to glow from within. She stood there, basking in the adoration of the Hobbits as her hair flowed in a breeze that didn’t exist.  
“Turn your filter off #Tharnen” Walker said after a second or two.  
The goddess of a woman who put even Sally to shame scowled at him. An exquisite scowl that caused all the Hobbits to sigh. But then the glowing stopped, the hair fell and she looked decidedly more normal as both her cleavage and her ass shrank visibly.  
“Wait, what the fuck just happened?” Terry said, blinking furiously.  
“She’s an Instagrelf” Wham whispered. “Capable of filtering her perception at will. I never thought I’d see the day”.  
#Tharnen walked towards Walker who sat with a dry-heaving Dodo.  
“I’ve been looking for you for three days” she said.  
“Translation, you were looking for one day and spent the other two days doing shoots”. Walker’s raised eyebrow was rewarded with a nonchalant shrug.  
“I have to keep my activity up otherwise I lose my diet tea sponsorships”.  
“‘Why give a shit when you can give two?’“ #Tharnen smiled wide at Walker.  
“You’ve seen my ads!”  
“I have. You look great.”  
“Thanks! We’ll talk about it later, right now we need to get him to my father”. Walkers smile turned upside down.  
“You mean to the hospital, right?” #Tharnen nodded.  
“Yes to the hospital but dad’s doing some health thing so it’ll be cool to get a couple pre-healing videos”.  
At this point Sally was about to slap the hashtag off of her name but more screams echoed through the air, and they were getting closer.  
“Give him to me, I’ve got my ride. You guys can catch up” #Thernan pulled back a few branches to reveal a brilliantly white motorcycle complete with two helmets.  
“It’s dangerous. Let me do it” Walker said.  
“And let you hog all the likes? No thanks buddy” She swung her legs over the bike and Walker strapped Dodo in behind her, his helmeted head resting on her back. The engine came to life, the vibrations shaking the ground itself. Just before she rode away, #Thernan noticed the Hobbits standing there, dumbstruck. “Oh hey. Sally Slippin’. I’m a huge fan. Nothing makes me bust that nut harder than when I’m watching you”. She turned and sped from their clearing as Sally waved in a single, confused gesture.  
“It’s still weird when it’s a woman” Sally said eventually.  
The ride was long and hard which is what she said. They tore through the rest of the forest and were out into the fields that lay between them and Safe Space. The miles flew by with ease as her motorbike ate up the distance but the easy portion of the ride was over when the Entourage turned up.

#Thernan was swerving as she was riding with one hand and using the other to get a perfect selfie. She used her filter to enhance her figure, pulling the zip of her leather jacket down enough to display the goods while airbrushing Dodo’s arms out of reality. Later when he healed (spoiler alert) Dodo would tell everyone about the nightmares of him slowly vanishing from the world. Five minutes into the impromptu photoshoot, #Thernan noticed something behind her in the latest image. The enemy had found them.  
Filter off, phone away, helmet down. #Thernan began to take this seriously. She kicked it up into high gear and shot forwards, scattering creatures of all sizes with the sound of her engine. But no matter how fast she rode, the Entourage were catching up with her. She turned and they were cutting her off. They rode into her forcing her to swerve away. One of them even made a grab for Dodo, gripping his arm tight but #Thernan airbrushed him again and the Entourage’s fist slipped through Dodo’s suddenly insubstantial bicep.  
The chase continued over rolling fields and across trodden paths and over a road or two, and as time went on Dodo slipped further away from the living world.  
“Stay with me Dodo” #Thernan muttered as the river caught her eye. Past the Influencer river and the magic of her people would keep her safe. “Stay with me”. The river didn’t seem to move at all until suddenly it was right in front of her. The smell of fresh water filling the air that was already heavy with moisture. It beaded on her helmet and leathers but she made it across despite the drop in her visibility, instinctively guiding the bike across the safe path.  
She turned harshly once on the opposite bank, her wheels kicking up dirt and pebbles as she faced her pursuers. They were arrayed on the far side of the river, their black motorbikes covered in problematic brand logos and sponsorship deals.  
“Give up the porn star Shinstagrelf”, they called out over the turbulent waters of the Influencer. #Thernan whipped out her phone and spent a couple minutes on it, taking photos and making videos before replying.  
“Check my story for the answer!”  
The Entourage were taken aback and pulled out their phones. It took a while for them to get signal as their data plan was unreliable outside of Happyland.  
“What kind of influencer has a private account?” one of them moaned. It took another few minutes before they had all been approved by the account holder and were able to watch her story. They were all treated to several shots of the chase followed by a single image captioned with “After chasing me for so long these guys just asked me to give it up? At least buy a girl a drink first ;) PS try FireHose Diet Tea!!! It works wonders!!!”  
They all screamed in rage after two of them swiped up to get the discount code, and charged straight across the river. But by then the magic had been wrought. The secret behind Instagrelf Filter magic was that it compounded with every Instagrelf that used it. So if #Thernan used her Action filter on the river it would become rougher. But if her and her father both used it then it would be more than twice as dangerous.  
But if every Instagrelf used it then the results were unimaginable. But no one had to imagine it because #Thernan caught the whole thing on her phone. The destructive force of a river released upon nine Nazi’s who deserved it became the number 1 trending video for that week. #Thernan gained notoriety as her sponsorships jumped. And while all this was happening, Dodo lay dying on the bank.


	13. Chapter 13

“So basically what you’re saying is I’m a character in a book?”  
“Yeah. A book based on a series of films based on a series of books”.  
“That makes so much sense”.  
“I thought it would help. But unfortunately, you’re not going to remember any of this”.  
“Wait wha-”

  
Dodo opened his eyes slowly. In the first few seconds on consciousness, before his brain began accepting the signals his body was sending, he focused on the dream he’d had but the details were slowly slipping from his mind. In the few seconds between waking up and becoming alert, the dream vanished completely from his memory until he didn’t remember he’d been dreaming at all. He tried to sit up but a terrible exhaustion pervaded every inch of his body and he collapsed back down.  
“What time is it?” he muttered, unable to raise his voice above a whisper.  
“You know we don’t talk about things like time. Makes the continuity a bitch”.  
“The what?” Dodo almost recognised the voice but his mind was working very slowly. He’d closed his eyes as keeping them open required more energy than he currently had.  
“…Oh I see. Based on your sleep talking I thought he brought you in the loop but I guess he just needed a clever way to start the chapter. Ah well”.  
“Marion? Is that you?”  
“It is. Glad to see you’re alive. You had a pretty terrible infection. To the point where some thought you’d die”.  
“Why the hell didn’t you show you old bastard? You said we’ll meet at the Dancing Donkey. Where the fuck were you?” Dodo’s righteous anger was undercut by the fact that a moderate whimper was all he could produce.  
“I was delayed” Marion said. “Cue flashback”


	14. Chapter 14

Marion had left the Briar after making sure the Hobbits were on their way. He mounted up and rode for days, not stopping until the tower of Ornothanks came into view. The home of the leader of the wizards council, Ornothanks was an imposing symbol of masculinity that thrust upward from the ground. Whilst all towers are inherently phallic, there was no need for the architect to make it look like it had a circumcised tip. Marion rode through the trees that, legend had it, were cultivated to look like pubic hair, before coming to a stop at the base of the tower where he saw his line manager waiting.  
“Itsa me. Marion” He said, nodding to Warion. Warion nodded back in a gesture as old as time. It meant I like you but I don’t want to touch you. He dismounted and accepted when Warion offered a walk around the grounds of Ornothanks.  
Warion was a tall, imposing man. Where Marion was somewhat tall but still had a little muscle to him, Warion was almost skeletal and looked like a strong breeze would blow him away. But that never stopped him from beating wholesale ass when he needed to. They strode passed coarse bushes and gnarled trees as they spoke of global events.  
“So then I had to send another email and threaten to leave a one star review before they returned my money”, Warion said as he finished a riveting story.  
“As much as I enjoyed listening to you talk about returning your bluetooth headphones, I had something else in mind when I said ‘we need to talk’”. Marion had been polite and listened to the whole tale but time was running out.  
“Fine” Warion huffed. “What do you need to talk about?”  
“The Thing has resurfaced”.  
Silence as Warion processed the implications of what Marion had just said.  
“The Thing?” Marion nodded. “Olion’s thing?” Another nod. “You found it?” A third nod. “Where?”  
“In the Briar. One of my old friends had it. In fact he’d had it for quite some time”, Marion confessed to his colossal fuck up as succinctly as he could in the hopes they’d blow past it. But Warion wasn’t that kind of manager.  
“Quite some time? Dammit Marion! Maybe if you weren’t too busy riding dick up there you’d have figured it out sooner!”  
“Be that as it may, the fact is we know now and can move to destroy it quickly. Before Olion knows. End the threat once and for all”.  
“No Marion. We can’t”

The inside of Warion’s rooms within Ornothanks explained why he wanted to take a walk. When company arrives unannounced it doesn’t give much time to clean. Warion dumped his dirty clothes and other things on his bed before covering them with a sheet and cracking a window to get some fresh air inside.  
“Now where were we?” Warion asked.  
“You made an ominous statement outside then gave no follow up at all. That was twenty minutes ago”.  
“Ah yes. Well we can’t destroy it before Olion knows. Because he already knows the Thing has been found”. Marion gasped. “I know right? Super shocking!”  
“But how do you know this?” In response to Marion’s question, Warion pointed to his computer.  
“I found this cool site called Omegle. It lets you talk to random people. One day I matched up with Olion and we got to talking”.Marion was speechless.  
“You…got to talking…with Olion?” Warion nodded happily.  
“It was great! We had all these common interests and hobbies. We laughed at the same time and honestly there was such a connection it was unreal. I wanted to meet him but he said that even though he wanted to, he was in a bit of trouble so I offered to help him out”. Marion dropped his head into his hands. “He said he needed help finding his Thing and once he got that we could be together! He also needed some money to help some of his friends but I can easily afford that. Guess who his friends are?”  
“Nigerian Princes?”  
“Yes! Isn’t that amazing? He hangs out with royalty!” Marion looked at the smiling, lovestruck face and knew this was going to go bad in about five seconds. “So I was thinking” Warion continued after a few seconds, “that if you helped this would be even easier. We can get the Thing to Olion and everything would be fine. He can come see me and everything will work out”. Marion was speechless but only for a few seconds.  
“That’s a hard no from me buddy”.  
All the happiness drained from Warions face leaving behind a terrible rage. “Why won’t you let me be happy!” he screamed at Marion before planting a boot into his chest and throwing him backwards. Marion flew threw a set of closed doors, opening them with his body before sprawling on the floor. Marion went from laying on his back to on all fours in a flash, something he’d learned from Dildo, and kicked Warion like a horse would an unsuspecting child. Warion went down but soon they were both standing and trading blows, going from one side of the room to the other.  
At one point it seemed like Marion had the upper hand and was about to escape, thinking only to help Dodo survive in his quest. If Olion was aware of the plan to move the Thing, it would be a lot more dangerous. But a moments distraction was all Warion needed to turn the tables once again. With a hard gesture Warion pinned Marion to the opposite wall, his feet dangling in the air.  
“Did you forget we could use magic old friend?” Warion asked, sneering at him.  
“We were never friends!”. Out of everything that had happened, that seemed to hurt Warion the most. He brought both hands together and thrust upwards, and Marion flew up through the tower of Ornothanks and burst forth onto the roof, playing the part of semen through the phallic tower.


	15. Chapter 15

“Delayed huh? How annoyingly vague”. Dodo laid back down in bed, exhausted by the efforts of being awake.  
“Vague to you. But that’s not important. You should rest up. You’ve got a long journey ahead of you”. Dodo yawned.  
“Assuming I don’t get shot again, getting back to the Briar should be pretty easy”. Had Dodo’s eyes been open he wouldn’t have liked the look on Marion’s face. But they weren’t so he had no idea that Wham, Sally and Terry had walked into the room as the wizard had walked out.  
The three Hobbits stared at Dodo just laying there on the bed with his eyes closed. They gave it a few seconds before Wham kicked the bed hard enough to send it sliding across the room. Dodo startled awake, cursing when he saw who it was.  
“You sons of bitches. I almost died and you can’t even let me rest”.  
“If you want to rest then you should’ve actually died” Sally said, hoisting herself up onto the bed next to Dodo. A wet spot immediately formed beneath her.  
“I don’t remember having a choice in the matter” Dodo said. “Actually I don’t remember very much at all. Care to fill in the blanks?”  
“Well after you got shot by the shit bullet” Terry began, taking a seat in the corner of the room, “you got ill pretty fast. We tried to make a run for it but it wasn’t going very well. Then at some point this Instagrelf turned up and, after taking a few shots, took you and fucked off. Leaving the rest of us behind to make our way to this place. But the Fixers followed you which made our journey here quite pleasant”.  
“It really was” Sally agreed. “We took our time, explored the forests which were so beautiful. They gave me an idea for a series of outdoor shoots. We got here a few days ago and have just been getting to know everyone. A few of the Instagrelfs do adult accounts and we were talking shop. Apparently there’s a filter that can make various bodily fluids glitter. Imagine looking like you got your face painted by a goddamn unicorn”. Sally sat there shaking her head at the idea.  
“I dunno. Film it in black and white and it may have a muted appeal” Wham said from his position by the door.  
For the next hour the four Hobbits discussed the pros and cons of glittering ejaculate before agreeing to disagree. Sally was the main opponent which was understandable. Every shot of her would sparkle like crazy with the FlashyFuck filter. But the others were curious if nothing else. Eventually they bullied Dodo into getting out of bed and exploring Safe Space with them.  
From the outside, the hospital he was in was just a single building with five rooms. It was woefully understaffed and terribly busy. He’d been in the private suite where all the commoners were forbidden from going. As they left the hospital, Dodo gave a thumbs up at a man waiting to be seen. He didn’t return the gesture. Perhaps because he was experiencing a lower quality of service compared to what Dodo had received. Perhaps because he had no hands.   
They walked around Safe Space, moving from building to building and looking through old archives and musems, learning about Instagrelf history. And as they passed through the library they beheld a familiar figure.  
“Dildo!”  
The familiar figure in question was rutting behind another figure who was bent over a very nice, polished desk. He turned around at the sound of his name without ever losing rhythm, like a true professional.  
“Dodo! Sally! Wham! Terry! How are you all? I didn’t know you were coming!”  
“I’m coming! I’m coming right now!” His conquest dug their fingernails into the table as they climaxed loudly and repeatedly and, like a gentlemen, Dildo waited until the Instagrelf composed themselves and left before carrying on the conversation.  
“Well the Thing you gave me turned out to be the source of all evil and all evil came looking for it so we had to run away” Dodo’s single-sentence explanation of everything that had come before made the last several chapters almost obsolete.  
“Damn. That sounds like a terrible time of things” Dildo remarked as he cleaned himself off and zipped up his pants. “And you’re first thought was to come here?”  
“No” Sally explained. “Our first thought was to do nothing because we are not equipped to deal with this bullshit but Marion sent us to a hotel where we met a guy called Walker who sent us here when Dodo got shot”.  
“Well shit” Dildo said as he packed away his tripod and camera.  
“That’s exactly what he got shot by. Shit”. Terry’s explanation was brushed aside when Marion appeared with a tall, statuesque Instagrelf with him.  
“Hobbits” Marion said when they drew close, “might I introduce you all to #Belldron. The leader of this place”. The Hobbits all waited for his hair to stop flowing in the filter-wind and his skin to stop glistening in the filter-sun but it just carried on.  
“Sir, are you not going to turn your filter off?” Sally asked, curious.  
“This isn’t a filter Miss Slippin’. It’s all me”. His voice was perfectly pitched and small shudders ran through each of their bodies. They were all without a doubt impressed and aroused.  
“#Belldron is the leader of this Safe Space. He is also one of the wisest and most powerful Instagrelfs in the land”.  
“It is a pleasure to meet you all” he said, once more talking that talk that brought all the boys and girls to his yard, ready to offer him their milkshakes. “And you’re all invited to a brainstorming session about what to do with the Thing”.  
Out of nowhere, a short man appeared at #Belldron’s shoulder whispering fiercely.  
“Brainstorming isn’t an acceptable word anymore. Your follower count is dropping”. Even as they watched, they could see #Belldron’s hair floating lower and lower while his robes glowed less and less bright.  
“OK send out a post talking about how I’ve grown, make a donation to a charity, and send out thoughts and prayers”. Within moments he was back to his fabulous self.  
“I thought that was ‘all you’”? Sally said, grinning. Ignoring her, #Belldron sent them all into the conference room to await the beginning of the Ideas Workshop about the Thing.

Over time the room slowly filled up with more Instagrelfs, a few humans and a motley collection of Dwarves. This was the first time any of the Hobbits had seen a Dwarf and they were not surprised that the folks who lived under mountains, in caverns, beneath hills or in any relatively dark place were pale and pasty. In a pleasantly confusing twist, Tiny Terry’s works were widely renowned under the ground where the Dwarves mined for bitcoin. With every fragment they tore from the ground they expanded their property empire. Buying up as much land as they could by selling the bitcoin and using the real money they received to make the Dwarven people more powerful. Some say bitcoin wasn’t even real but rather a hoax by one of the most unstable Dwarves around.  
Tiny Terry was instantly recognised by the Dwarves who were avid followers of his teachings. It was no coincidence that bitcoin became a thing after Terry’s talk People will Pay for Nothing if You Convince Them it’s Something.  
Finally #Belldron walked in and the room became more colourful. Brighter.  
“Oh I didn’t know you kept your filters on. Let’s do this”. One of the younger Grelfs who sat amongst the others turned his filter on and his long hair transformed into luscious locks that were braided with flowers and blew directly into three peoples faces. The rest of his entourage followed suit and they all became absurdly beautiful and the room itself spontaneously formed a rainbow that rained rose petals.  
“Actually I’m normally the only one who keeps the filter on” #Belldron said but no one heard him.  
There were so many active filters on in such a small vicinity that surrounding people were being affected. Dodo noticed that his hands were far more rugged than a second ago and Sally’s Slippin’s secretions were scintillatingly sensual as the scent snaked its way south of his belt. He also noticed that alliteration was far too easy and it was getting easier.  
“OK! Enough! Let’s all turn off shall we?” #Belldron was first but in rapid succession the others followed suit until there were only average people in the room. Apart from the Hobbits of course. “We’re gathered here today to discuss something very important. The fate of the world depends on what we do today. So we cannot leave without making a final decision. We’ll talk as much as we have to. There’s also going to be a lunch provided. Drinks afterwards and if anyone feels like it, a Super Smash Brothers tournament”. The general tone of the room was positive as they discussed their favourite characters.  
“But back to the point. Bring forth the Thing, Dodo”. With all eyes on him, Dodo felt somewhat nervous when he pulled his Thing out. He decided to use an old Hobbit trick for conquering stage fright and pictured himself naked. He placed the Thing on an Amazon Basics stand that was in the middle of the room, before sitting back down; everyone’s attention remained focused on the Thing.  
A few chairs away from Dodo, someone stood up and took a tentative step into the middle of the room.  
“I had a dream last night. I had high top Nikes. I had diamonds in my mouth and, diamonds on my mic”. With every step the tall man stepped closer to the Thing until he was near enough to grab it. “By the time I woke I was singing “I’m on a bo-”  
“I’m so lonely!” Marion stood up and was speaking. His voice echoed magnificently but his words were irritating. “I’m Mr Lonely! I have nobody! To call my own!”  
The horrible words drove the man back to his seat and Marion turned to #Belldron.  
“Before you say anything, I hate myself for that. So just let it go”. The Instagrelf shook his head and tried to resume the meeting.  
“Before we start touching things that don’t belong to us maybe we should- I’m sorry but Akon? Really?” #Belldron turned back to Marion, irritation on his face.  
“It had to be done” was all the wizard said.  
“No it really didn’t. Shoot the fucker next time but don’t do…that again”.  
“But don’t you see?” the tall man said. “It’s a gift. A gift to foes of Happyl-”  
“OK I’m gonna let you finish, but do you really want to go for your white, western patriotic plea argument that you alone are risking everything while the rest of us live idyllic lives and because of that alone, you deserve the Thing? Because everyone here is fighting the war. Not just you people!”  
“What do you meat ‘you people’?” The tall man demanded, outraged.  
“You can’t do that bit” Dodo pointed out. “You’re very pale and it doesn’t work that way”.  
The group descended into smaller squabbles, arguing over privilege and the lives that mattered until #Belldron rose up and used the filter which made him glow bright enough to burn retinas.  
“Enough! This is the Thing of Olion and here we are trying to claim it as if it’s the last chicken leg at a family fucking dinner! No Forromeer, you will not get the Thing. I was there, so many time units ago when Easel Door could have destroyed the Thing. We were both there, in the one place the Thing could be destroyed. The Furnace in Olion’s tower”.  
“A furnace?” Sally asked. “Why that furnace? Why can’t we use any furnace?”  
“Because magic and shit!” #Belldron snapped.  
“Well I don’t see anyone else asking for the Thing!” Forromeer spat. “Just give it to me! Why does the white man never get his way?”  
“You realise we can’t use it right?” Walker said from his seat. “Olion locked it. Facial recognition. The Thing opens for Olion alone” Forromeer turned to Walker, a mocking look upon his face.  
“And what the fuck would a random fucking hobo know about this huh?” before Walker could speak, another ‘grelf stood up to defend him.  
“He may dress like a hobo and smell like one as well, but he isn’t just a hobo”.  
“Just?” Walker muttered.  
“This is Karanor son of Karanor. The lost heir to the throne of Londale”. Forromeer looked at Walker in shock before shaking his head.  
“This is the heir? Well that’s too bad. We got rid of the monarchy long ago and replaced it with proportional representation and a system of elected officials. Stay lost Karanor. We don’t need you”.  
An awkward silence descended on the group as the two whitest people there stared each other down. Everyone else in the vicinity was worried they’d pull out a couple of assault rifles and start blasting away but Forromeer sat back down, seething in his soul.  
“Well that was dramatic” #Belldron said. Dodo agreed as he removed his bulletproof backpack. “But we still need someone to take the Thing to be destroyed and I’m not gonna lie, there is no one person here I trust. So we’re gonna draw lots. Short sticks have to go”.  
#Belldron pulled out a wallet, nestled inside which were many different coloured pencils. He went around offering the bunch of pencils to each member an as Karanor pulled the last one, everyone held their pencil up for the group to see. Those who had full-sized pencils began whooping and cheering before back-flipping out of the room, while the two Instagrelfs who’d been live-streaming the event narrated everything they were feeling. #Belldron was left with the nine chosen ones.  
Dodo  
Sally  
Wham  
Terry  
Marion  
Karanor  
Forromeer  
The Instagrelf who’d defended Karanor  
A Dwarf  
“Well then. A nice, diverse group of individuals to get the job done. I’d call that a job well done. Good luck on your travels. Make sure you settle your bills before you leave”. #Belldron turned his filters back on and sauntered from the room, his hair waving behind him in slow motion, leaving the new group to get acquainted with one another.


	16. Chapter 16

The group marched over hills and under hills and around hills and the main take away from the first part of their communal travels was that they were in a very hilly area. They came up with their plan the day they had drawn the short straws in Safe Space.

The nine individuals stood round the table taking turns to introduce themselves. It was one of three ice-breakers that they had planned for the group, the other two being trust falls and two truths and a lie. Dodo tried to go first.  
“My name is Dodo and I’m—  
“OK we have no time for this so lets just skip to the three we want to hear from. Forromeer you go first”. Everyone except Karanor looked confused but Forromeer did as Marion ordered.  
“My name is Forromeer and I’m from the country of Londale. My father is the leader of the ruling party and I was personally selected by him to represent them here!” he puffed out his chest, basking in the admiration of no one.  
“So you bragged about coming from a place that had abolished a monarchy” Wham said, “but you only got this job because of nepotism?” Forromeer looked aggressively confused and everyone in the vicinity began looking for cover before Marion interrupted once again.  
“We’ve done the gun jokes before. Moving on”. The Instagrelf went next.  
“Hey everyone” he said swaying on his feet. “I’m #Legless and I post a lot of videos of the shit I do drunk. I follow back!”  
“Are you drunk right now?” Dodo asked but #Legless shook his head.  
“It’s part of my brand, always acting drunk but I’m actually sober most of the time. Except all of my content of course. That is legit drunk. I’m not like other content producers, faking it for views”.  
“And now for the Dwarf” Marion said as he packed up his bags.  
“My name is Jimmy. I’m a miner from the Caves of KryptoKurrency. BitCoin. Etherium. Litecoin. You name it, we mine it”.  
“Your name is…Jimmy?” Sally asked. Jimmy nodded. “Jimmy the Dwarf?”  
“Yes. Jimmy son of Giddoin”. Sally looked almost disbelieving.  
“Your father was called Giddoin and he called you…Jimmy?”  
“Enough! Everyone is introduced! The plan is we head south, swing round some mountains, avoid some shit, and head straight into Happyland. Back to the main sequence!” Marion barked.

Three days later and Dodo still didn’t understand what that main sequence comment meant. But Marion and Karanor were always saying weird things like that. The plan was proceeding as expected and they were currently swinging round some mountains. Despite it not being on brand, #Legless had insisted doing several photoshoots on the tops of hills, capturing them in slow motion as they all crested the peak. Marion was annoyed but the Hobbits all loved it. Each had made an account to follow #Legless, who had to be reminded several times not to post to his millions of followers about the status of their secret quest. He sadly conceded and resigned himself to reposting content; nobly sacrificing his follower count for the sake of the world.  
Forromeer had taken it upon himself to teach the Hobbits sword fighting and it was only when Wham and Dodo pulled down their trousers did he explain he meant literal sword fighting.  
“Why bother when we have guns?” Terry had asked while they camped.  
“Because swords don’t jam” Forromeer said. The Hobbits looked at each other, remembering the fight on Watch Tower before nodding. Forromeer handed out the swords he had picked out for the Hobbits at some point and then tried to give them pistols as well. Dodo refused.  
“I’ve already got one” he said. The others looked at him curiously. “Dildo gave me his old one. It’s pretty cool” he said showing it off. They “ooh’d” and “aah’d” at the appropriate times. “Yeah it even glows when we’re in danger. And also when we’re not”.  
“So it just constantly glows?” Forromeer asked. Dodo nodded.  
“Yeah Dildo said something about Radium”. They examined the gun a little longer before getting back to sword training.  
On the other side of the camp, #Legless and Jimmy were discussing the route they’d take.  
“This is the way Marion said we’re supposed to go”, the ‘Grelf said.  
“But why the hell should we go around the mountains when we can go under them? My cousin Ballin’ is the Lord of the Caves. They’ll welcome us all with warmth. There’ll be cooked meats and roaring fires”. Marion, who’d been busy watching the skies for something, snorted at that.  
“You’ve been away for a few weeks. You’ll survive without heading home”.  
“I haven’t been back to the Caves in ages. I’ve been teaching other Dwarves about mining Krypto. Haven’t heard from any Dwarf in KryptoKurrency since I left. No messages or posts or leaked online nudes. But I’m sure they’re fine”.  
“There they are! I mean…what’s that?” Marion had jumped up and was excitedly pointing at a cloud in the sky.  
“It’s…it’s a cloud in the sky” Wham replied, looking confused.  
“No! I’m not talking about the cloud. That black thing in front of the cloud!” Everyone studied it intently except #Legless who took selfies with it.  
“It’s probably just pollution” Sally said. “I doubt any of the companies here adhere to the environment regulations. I rinsed off my dildo in the river and the damn thing melted”.  
“No…it’s not smoke. It’s moving against the wind”. Forromeers words were true.  
“Fascism Plus Invasion Drones from Amazon!” #Legless cried out.  
“Hide!” Karranor cried out, already tucked away under a dense bush.  
The rest of the group scrambled to get under cover before the drones buzzed overhead. They swarmed the sky above them, flying around in circles over their campsite while the gang cowered in fear of being retinal scanned against their will. Eventually the drones continued on their travels and everyone crept out from their hiding places.  
“Our path is being watched. Spies of Warion. He’s using big tech firms to gather data on people. Tracking your movements, habits. With that he can influence your mind without you ever realising”. Marion explained. “We must take the pass of Trekarak”.


	17. Chapter 17

The cold was like nothing Dodo had felt before. He was a child of global warming and that meant that Briar, which was always nice and hot, was getting hotter every year. But unfortunately for the Hobbits, global warming hadn’t reached this place yet and the snow was up to their shoulders. Which meant that each Hobbit was being carried on someones back. Dodo was on top of Karanor, Wham was on Forromeer, Sally on #Legless and Terry on Jimmy. Out of all of them, Sally and #Legless were definitely having the most fun.  
“Now check this filter out!” #Legless said and a heartbeat later the pair of them were bathed in golden light. Gone were their thick heavy clothes that protected them from the bitter winds, replaced by scandalously skintight swimwear. #Legless was wearing a miniature speedo which drew all eyes from his pulsing pecs, rippling arms and chiselled abs to his heavy bulge while Sally was now wearing an erotic two piece bikini which showed far too much skin for someone who live-streamed a striptease the moment the clocks turned midnight on her twenty-first birthday.  
“Beach day!” the both chorused as they took several pictures. The others had at first stumbled back in shock, but now they were struggling against the snow in an attempt to get closer to the heat. But before they could manage it, the filter vanished and Wham and Forromeer got a face-full of snow as they jumped forwards and fell over.  
“Wh…wh…why did…didn’t you ju…just keep the f…f…filter onn?” Dodo stammered as his teeth chattered uncontrollably. #Legless shrugged, his faux fur cloak once again on his shoulders.  
“Drains my battery”.  
The others swore viciously at the pair and carried on trudging through the snow. The journey up the mountain had been awful despite the snowball fight that had caused a small avalanche, or maybe because of that. But the weather had only intensified as they began crossing the peaks. Storms so violent that it almost knocked them off the side of the mountain entirely.  
“Can anyone else hear that?” Terry asked.  
“I can hear me about to punch you in the face” Jimmy snapped back annoyed that he was carrying his entrepreneurial hero just because he was half-an-inch shorter.  
“I’m serious Jimmy”  
“So am I”  
“I hear it too” Karanor shouted from the back of the line they’d all formed when Beyonce said “get in formation”.   
“It’s Warion!” Marion shouted as lighting split the sky.  
The thunder deafened them, the lighting blinded them yet they still managed to watch as the peak of the next mountain was pulverised by the storm. Debris was thrown into the air and sprayed all over them causing them all to stumble around trying to shield themselves with the snow from microbullets made from superheated rock.  
Then there was silence.  
Karanor was the first to surface from the snow, shaking it out of his long hair.  
“Is everyone OK?” He asked nervously, as if expecting someone to have unexpectedly died. The others came up one by one until the count was in; everyone was alive.  
“What the hell was that?” Dodo asked shocked at what he’d just seen.  
“Warion’s magic” Marion replied. “He can encourage the elements to do things like this”.  
“By ‘like this’ you mean destroy fucking mountains?” Dodo became enraged. “Why haven’t you been doing anything like that for us? Why does the bad side get a wizard who can destroy mountains and shit but we get you with your bitch ass fireworks? And you knew he could destroy mountains but you still led us up the goddamn mountain in the first place. Stupid fucksicle!”  
By now Forromeer and #Legless were having to hold Marion back to prevent him from attacking Dodo but he still managed to swear at him from between their arms. “Ungrateful piece of shit! Insubordinate, churlish motherfucker! You wanna get off the mountain? Fine! We’ll go under it! Through the Caves!”  
“Fuck yeah!” Jimmy howled, fist bumping any who would have him.  
“Er Gand— I mean Marion? Isn’t the Thing Bearer supposed to decide?” Karanor intervened, nervously looking all around him as he was wise enough to expect death from any direction from the omnipotent being controlling his fate.  
“No! Fuck that! Motherfucker wants to see magic then we’ll see magic! Follow the fucking Dwarf!”  
Everyone turned to see Jimmy, with Terry clinging desperately to his back, sprinting back down the way they had come.


	18. Chapter 18

The base of the mountain was a truly wondrous thing. It was as if a drunk giant had meant to place a flat wall but fucked it up massively and then gave up halfway through their attempt to fix it.  
“A long time ago the first Dwarves discovered this place and decided to build a home under the mountain”, Jimmy explained as he took on the role of tour guide and led them around the edge of the giant lake. “We’ve always been prolific miners but at first it was for gold and jewels. Trinkets like that. But after we heard People will Pay for Nothing if You Convince Them it’s Something everything became different. We invented Bitcoin and our net worth skyrocketed. Exponential growth for our portfolios. So we cornered the market on Kryptokurrency and became the richest peoples on the planet”.  
As they listened to the story, they walked forwards until they came to the Logic Gates. The gates were taller than they were and wide enough for five of them to pass through at the same time. It was also formed of two massive screens that were covered in various widgets. Clocks for different timezones, weather, upcoming calender events. The last section was empty. It had begun to glow as they approached as the brightness automatically increased.

Password:

The window sat there patiently waiting for them to enter the password and everyone turned to Jimmy.  
“Don’t look at me” he declared with his arms in the air, “they change the password every month. Basic security protocol”. #Legless nodded as he explained that he too changed his password often to avoid someone stealing his account.  
“That’s all well and good but how are we supposed to get it?” Sally asked.  
“What if we viewed the password hint?” Karanor suggested. Marion, being the tallest, tapped the option and one word popped up: DwarvezRulez  
Everyone stood there in silence.  
“Do you think that’s the actual password?” Dodo eventually asked but Jimmy immediately shook his head.  
“No way. No way they’d do that. They’d never be that stupid!” Marion reached up and tapped out the password and as soon as he hit Enter the Logic gates opened up. “Holy shit”. Jimmy was gobsmacked. “It’s like leaving the key in the front door! I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all dead!” Karanor and Marion shared a look.  
As the gang moved to enter the Caves, a roar screamed out from behind them as a creature erupted from the lake, tentacles flying everywhere and knocking them all down. Dodo scrambled to his feet just in time to see the giant squid wrap a long tentacle around Wham’s foot and hoist him high into the air.  
“Help! FUCKING HELP!” the Hobbit screamed as he was shaken like a Polaroid picture. The warriors jumped into action.  
Karanor pulled out his weapons and charged the beast, firing at whichever tentacle was closest. Forromeer did the same but where Karanor went right he went left. #Legless went right down the middle, activating his Battle Filter and immediately becoming taller, better, faster, stronger. He spun in a terribly dramatic fashion, cutting one tentacle with a long knife he’d conjured from somewhere while firing a single shot and hitting the tentacle holding Wham. The Hobbit plummeted and was caught by Forromeer and everyone began to retreat into the Caves. Just as they neared the door, Marion shouted at the charging beast.  
“Aren’t you supposed to attack the Thingbearer?”  
“All of them look the same to me!” it declared right before it collided with the Logic Gates, forcing them shut.  
Everyone was silent in the dark, trying to take stock of their situation and understand just exactly how fucked they were.  
“What do you mean ‘supposed to attack the Thingbearer’”? Dodo asked, annoyed.  
“Listen I don’t make up the rules OK. Bad shit is supposed to happen to you but it turns out a racist monster isn’t conducive to picking you out of a lineup”. Marion’s explanation came with a glint of light as he turned on a torch and examined where they were.  
“Why would anyone leave all these bundles of sticks wrapped in clothes?” Jimmy asked as he explored the entryway. In the light of the torch, Dodo could see the floor was covered with a lot of somethings and when he kicked one, a skull rolled out. And Dodo almost shit himself. “Wait what the fuck?” Jimmy screamed out. Immediately everyone had drawn their weapons again and were scanning their surroundings for enemies but there was no one there and eventually Marion examined the bodies.  
“They’ve been dead for a while” he said probing the victim. “Killed by Crackheads. Doesn’t seem like anyone survived”. A shared moment of silence out of grief. “We have to get going. It’s a three day journey to the other side of the Caves and hopefully no one will know we’re here”. They all began to slowly head out, following Marion’s lead into the darkness.


	19. Chapter 19

For two days they wandered through the Caves of Kryptokurrency doing their best to stay under the radar. They didn’t light fires for food or talk where it would echo and alert things best left comatose. They trudged through the dark Caves in almost perfect silence, only using the torch when they absolutely had to. #Legless initially wasn’t keen on using his nightvision filter too often but after discovering the power sockets still worked, was more than happy to help where he could. Slowly but surely they made progress through the Caves and were awestruck by the magnificence of what they saw.  
“This is…amazing” Sally gasped as they stepped into one of the few halls with natural light. It was bigger than the entirety of the Briar, so long that they couldn’t actually see the other side. The support columns had been hewn from the mountain itself and then carved with beautifully intricate designs that Terry made a rubbing of for his next tattoo.  
“It really is” Jimmy said. He had perked up a little as they’d travelled and was now numb to the idea of a large group of his own people being wiped out. Was he OK? No. But there wasn’t much he could do so he just carried on. “The skill of the ancient Dwarves”.  
They walked through the giant hall until they came across a small chamber. It was immediately obvious that the hall was designed to flood this chamber with light and a few broken mirrors had resulted in the light being spread everywhere. In the middle of the chamber stood a small pedestal with a Dwarven inscription on it. But in the Caves they probably just called it writing, Dodo thought to himself. Jimmy sprinted into the chamber with everyone else trying and failing to keep up.  
“Dwarves are natural sprinters” Karanor gasped as they ran. “Very dangerous over short distances”.  
The Gang found Jimmy kneeling at the base of the pedestal sobbing brokenly and they all stood around awkwardly not knowing what to do. It was Marion who moved to stand next to him, allowing Jimmy to lean against the wizard in his grief but also so he could read the inscription.  
“Here lies Ballin’. Neither daughter nor son, of Hoodin’, Lord of Krypto” Marion sighed and dropped a hand to stroke Jimmy’s head like you would a favoured pet. Dodo explored the chamber, noting the many broken desks and destroyed server farms. He wondered how the massacre of the Caves was affecting the worlds supply of kryptokurrency. As he explored he found a book in the hands of a long dead Dwarf. He tried to pull it from the body but the bones held on stubbornly forcing Dodo to give it a hard yank. The book came free and so did several bones, clattering across the stone floor.

“We’re fucked” he read out loud, capturing the attention of his crew. “Turns out it was a stupid fucking idea making our password hint the actual password. If only someone had said something! Oh wait! Someone did! We all fucking did! Everyone said it was idiotic but those old bastards kept forgetting when they went on their walks! Why they couldn’t just walk around inside like normal Dwarves I don’t fucking know. But they missed the fresh air! And want to go outside! Fucking boomers! Can’t use a computer, can’ t stay inside and they get us all killed. Oh great, now they’re coming for me too. My final words are: Old people are fucking stupid!”

Dodo stopped reading when the writing stopped only to the replaced by blood spattering the page. Whoever had written it was long dead, and if there was an afterlife Dodo sincerely hoped they were beating the shit out of whoever had the idea to make the password hint the actual password.  
“We need to get out of here” #Legless said, frantically looking around the chamber. The group agreed but for different reasons as #Legless needed a power socket for his dying phone. Marion nodded and strode over to a large stack of dishes and cutlery precariously perched at the edge of a large hole in the ground, jumping up and down as he spoke.  
“You are correct. We must leave this place immediately. If we are caught then it would end very badly for us all!” Marion jumped higher and higher, before just stomping on the ground as he obviously tried to get the plates to fall. After a few minutes, and with Marion panting on the ground, Sally walked up and just pushed the plates into the hole. The noise was explosive, echoing throughout the chamber and the Caves at large. The dishes shattered and the cutlery chimed, the sounds amplifying each other and seeming to last longer than common sense dictated they should. Eventually there was silence and everyone stared, incredulous, at Sally who looked at Marion.  
“I’m assuming that’s what you wanted to happen?” She asked him. Marion’s wheezing prevented him from answering fully.  
“Fool…of…a…yes…thank you…” he managed to mumble out as he clutched the stitch in his side.  
Howls.  
Howls from the depth of the Caves. Drums from the deep. Guitar solos and bad vocals. The sounds of the most desperate of crackheads; those who still think their band will make it.  
“Barricade the entrance!” Karanor shouted, springing forwards and dragging a desk in front of the broken doors, Forromeer right behind him. They wedged keyboards and monitors into the door as well, doing anything they can to impede their enemy. Forromeer poked his head through one of the gaps in the door only to whip his head back immediately as chips of wood went flying.  
“They have a gearhead!” The moment he said it they could hear it’s roar.  
“GAINZ!!”  
The gang gathered around the pedestal except for Jimmy who, for some reason, decided to stand on it screaming at the oncoming horde.  
“Let these pussy ass bitches come and my people be avenged! It’s inevitable!”  
“Calm down there Thanos!” Karanor replied. He pulled out his weapons and aimed at the door. “They’re gonna throw bodies at us and our guns will be useless after a few moments. Be ready to swap” It was clear he was talking to the Hobbits as they were the only noobs in the room. They nodded and made sure their swords were close to hand. A keyboard dropped from the door and #Legless fired, killing whatever was on the other side.  
“First kill, bitches” he gloated, putting his weapon away and getting ready to take a selfie. The doors shattered immediately and the crackheads swarmed; a flash went off as #Legless took his picture.  
Everyone got a few shots off, with bodies dropping left and right but as Karanor had predicted, there were too many and they were too fast to stop them in their tracks. Dodo holstered his gun and pulled out the sword before charging into battle, his fellow Hobbits beside him. It was chaos. The crackheads were everywhere and anywhere. Running around on the ground, climbing on desks, clambering along the ventilation ducts. At first Dodo thought they were trying to outmanoeuvre them but then he realised they were hoping to find lost stashes of drugs. He shook his head with a sigh at the struggles of the addicted. Then he chopped off the nearest ones head because he cared about his own struggle more.  
Soon enough the crackheads gave up looking for drugs in the room and turned their focus on the gang, assuming that they had already found the drugs and were holding out on them. Karanor, Forromeer and Jimmy showed no mercy but the Dwarf was especially brutal. Stabbing where he could cause the most pain and occasionally using his shotgun at close range, blowing limbs off of bodies. #Legless was engulfed in a Graceful filter and was dancing between the crackheads, killing effortlessly as his hair floated behind him and his eyes twinkled in the diffused light of the room.  
Stomp  
Stomp  
Stomp  
The entryway to the chamber exploded open as the gearhead made an appearance. The walls buckled inwards and the doors were blown off their hinges as the beast forced its way in. It wore the latest Gymshark clothing, towering over everyone else with skin covered with scars and stretch marks and a series of steroid injections lined up on its waist ready to increase it’s swoleness at a moments notice. Dragging behind it was a medicine ball tied to a battle rope.   
With a mighty roar, the gearhead swung its weapon around the room, forcing everyone to duck to the ground except several crackheads who were too distracted to avoid the attack. Clearly the gearhead didn’t care about keeping its colleagues alive. It had no respect for the scrawny. Everyone scattered from the gearhead, moving to the tops of the server cabinets or just the far edges of the room, fighting the crackheads while trying to avoid being harvested for protein by the gearhead. Throughout all of this, Marion and the Hobbits were causing awesome levels of chaos.  
The tide turned when #Legless took the high ground and, cursing about coarse sand that gets everywhere, unloaded his rifle into the crackheads and cut them down until only the gearhead was left. Sensing it was in trouble, the gearhead waved his battle ball around and around over his head, destroying everything it came near. Shearing the metal of the server cabinets, pulverising the desks, smashing the computers until there was a cloud of dust hanging in the air. The crew was disorientated by the sudden, brutal attack and in that moment of confusion the gearhead snatched a twisted piece or metal and lunged forwards, stabbing Dodo right in the stomach.  
“DODO!”  
“NO!”  
“STOP!”  
The cries from the Hobbits galvanised the others into action. Jimmy and Forromeer began hacking at its legs while Karanor and Marion reloaded and fired into it’s face. The bullets couldn’t penetrate deeply calloused skin given to it by never having skipped face day, but they still hurt like fuck. Terry jumped on it’s back and started stabbing indiscriminately while #Legless waited for the perfect moment. When it came, he took it.   
It’s head snapped back as it roared in pain and three bullets found their into it’s open mouth and bounced around inside it’s skull for a moment or two. Then, ever so slowly, the giant fell, causing Terry to combat roll away.  
The gang clustered around Dodo’s body and mourned until one of them thought to check his pulse.  
“He’s alive!” Wham declared, slapping the Hobbit back to consciousness.  
“Oh fuck that really hurt” Dodo groaned as his brain woke up. Forromeer looked at the metal shard that he’d been attacked with.  
“How are you alive? This thing would’ve skewered a wild pumpkin” Everyone looked at the Londalian who shrugged. “I’m vegan”.  
“I think, much like Transformers, there’s more to this Hobbit than meets the eye” Marion said, a small smile on his face. Dodo opened up his shirt showing the body armour he was clad in and receiving silence.  
“Why don’t we get any?” Sally asked, still clasping Dodo’s hand tight. “We’ve all been attacked but this bastard gets body armour? What the fuck?”  
“He equipped at the last safehouse. We can do the same after the Caves” Marion explained standing up. “Right now we must leave. To the Bridge!” 


	20. Chapter 20

They sprinted through the halls, all thoughts of silence and secrecy gone as they focused on staying alive. As they ran, more crackheads began appearing and chasing after them. Hundreds. Thousands. Coming from holes in the wall or long defunct customer support rooms that had been abandoned even when the Caves were prospering when the jobs were outsourced to the subcontinent of Beleriand.  
Dodo sprinted as fast as he could, which was pretty fast given his extremely cardio-intensive day job. The hall columns flew past him but the hall itself seemed never-ending and the crackheads grew ever closer until finally he stumbled to a halt when they were surrounded by the itchy, jittery bastards.  
“Just a taste, please just a taste!”  
“I’m good for it you know”  
“I’ll make you feel good”  
Shivers ran down their spines as the crackheads shuffled closer to the gang who circled up and waited for the fight to begin. But from the dark depths of the deep hall a rumbling echoed. So deep Dodo could feel it in his bones and a bright orange light lit up the air. He couldn’t see what was causing it but the crackheads were already scampering away shrieking in fear.  
“What is this new bullshit?” Forromeer asked of the gods but none deigned answer him. Everyone turned to Marion only to find him fifty metres away and running hard.  
“Run you sons of bitches!”  
Sprinting through a hole in the wall that lead down, they all jumped into a single file line as the walkways were so thin they couldn’t do anything else.  
“This is a stupid fucking design Jimmy!” Karanor spat as they tried not to fall to their deaths.  
“It’s not my fucking design!” He called back. “We needed a way to stop the auditors from looking into our business!”  
“That sounds pretty sketchy” #Legless chimed in.  
“Of course it’s sketchy! IT’S VIRTUAL FUCKING CURRENCY!”  
Across walkways and down stairs and all the while looking back to try and spot the telltale orange glow of whatever chased them. Dodo was in the middle of the group and ran into Marion who’d stopped in the middle of a staircase for some reason.  
“What the fuck man!” he said trying to move around him, but Marion gripped his shoulder tight. Less than a step in front of them was a gigantic gap in the middle of the staircase; a hole almost straight down the whatever was hidden by the darkness. As they stood unable to carry on, bullets started pinging at their feet forcing them to dance. Karanor and #Legless pulled out their own weapons and began firing back. Dodo looked from the crackheads shooting at them to the enormous space where stairs should be. A distance that was impossible to jump. “How are we going to get out of this?” He asked Marion.  
“I don’t know Dodo. I really don’t”.

The gang ran down the stairs laughing and cheering as they went.  
“I can’t believe that worked!” Dodo exclaimed. “Never in a million years should that have worked!”  
“It was good thinking Jimmy” Karanor said, clapping a hand to the Dwarf’s shoulder.  
“Thank you but it’s a shame we didn’t record it. No one would ever believe that we did it”. #Legless laughed a little louder.  
“Well I don’t normally chose not to document something but it was either take a video or keep a hold of the three-winged goose. And if I let that goose fly away then the hourglass would’ve broken and everything would’ve gone to shit!” Murmurs of agreement as they all thanked the goose for their rescue.  
Turning a corner the Bridge came into site, and just beyond it, the stairs out of the Caves. And just behind the crew, a steadily growing orange glow. They ran faster. As fast as they could. Breath catching. Lungs seizing. Legs pumping. All to stay ahead of the thing that followed them and as Karanor took the first step onto the Bridge, Dodo believed they’d be fine. Until he reached the other side and turned to see Marion had stopped at the entrance to the Bridge.  
“Marion!” he screamed, desperate to reach him until Forromeer grabbed him.  
“Stop! It’s too dangerous!” Dodo was helpless to do anything but watch.  
Marion stood there, just passed the entrance to the Bridge, and waited for whatever was chasing them. The glow got stronger, almost blinding in the moment before it crested around the final corner and they saw the thing that made it.  
“A fire demon” Jimmy whispered. “A creature from the depth of Dwarven legend”.  
“Did you say a fire demon?” Karanor asked, obviously perplexed and Jimmy nodded, eyes still locked onto the being he’d never thought was real. “I mean, it just doesn’t seem to fit in with the motif”, he said eyes flitting all around. “Guns and motorbikes and Elves that Instagram don’t really mesh well with fire demons from legend”. But nobody was listening to his obviously deranged and nonsensical ramblings as the fire demon, which was so obviously within the motif of the situation, fought Marion to the death.  
At first it was a dance battle. Then it was lip sync. Then an actual rap battle, and when Dodo heard Marion’s racially charged lyrics, he started to feel like it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if Marion plummeted to his death. But while Dodo thought it, Terry was the one who actually said it.  
“Marion you can’t say that shit!” he called out, as the other Hobbits nodded. Marion turned around at the sound of his name.  
“What?”  
“I said, you can’t say that word!” But it was too late. The moment he turned his back, the fire demon, threatened by Marion’s ability to spit fire, charged and tackled them both off the Bridge.  
“MARION!” the gang called out.  
“FFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK YYYYYOOOOUUUU TTTEEERRRRYYY!” the falling wizard called out as both he and the demon vanished into the darkness.


	21. Chapter 21

The entire crew was in shock. No one had expected it. Marion was gone. And not gone like gone fishin’. Gone as in an urban father gone to the store; he was never coming back.  
“Why did you drag us out of there!” Forromeer yelled at Karanor. “We could’ve gotten him back!”  
“How? How the fuck would we have gotten him back?” Karanor asked him, bewildered. “He fell down a bottomless pit with a fire demon. What could we have done?”  
“Started a GoFundMe for some rope! He was white, we’d have gotten more money than we knew what to do with!”  
“He was an old white man with dubious ties to the porn industry. We weren’t getting anything. And besides, we didn’t have time for that bullshit. We needed to get the hell out of there!” Karanor moves through the group, each of them mourning in their own way, pulling them to their feet. “By sunset there’ll be crackheads all over these hills. We need to get to safety”. The crew started shuffling forwards, a little lost, a little tired.  
“Where are we going?” Sally asked, tears streaming down her beautiful face.  
“Annathalia”.  
They set a hard but manageable pace and before the sun touched the horizon, they were jogging over the boundary of the forest of Annathalia. It was a beautiful and wondrous place. Like Safe Space, the presence of so many Instagrelfs had a magical effect on the environment. The rivers gurgled as they flowed over the stones of the riverbed, sparkling in light that wasn’t shining. The trees grew tall and beautiful, foliage in every shade of imaginable. The weed waved in the wind that blew through the soil beds where they sprouted.  
“Don’t touch that shit” Karanor warned, as the Hobbits wondered whether or not to partake. “They’ve been selectively growing that stuff for a long time. The THC content is beyond anything you’ve ever had before. It will fuck you up”. With that Karanor turned and continued into the forest while every Hobbit behind him took a leaf or ten for the road.  
They strolled through the magical forest on what would’ve been an idyllic day had they not just watched one of their friends plummet to his death. Each one of them mourned in their own way. #Legless recorded a sad video that he’d release one day when he was allowed to talk about the things that had happened here. Forromeer wept silent tears which warmed Dodo to his soul; he’d not realised that Forromeer was so close to Marion. And the other Hobbits rolled their newly acquired product and stored it away for later when they would light one up for a homie. Jimmy and Karanor were the only ones who stayed on task.  
“Stay close young Hobbit. These aren’t safe places. But I’ve got the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox” he said, swivelling his head in all directions.  
“And I’ve got the dick of a horse. What’s you’re point?” Jimmy glared at Dodo who had clearly hit a nerve, something that Jimmy didn’t have the girth to do.  
“My point is that they say a powerful witch resides in these woods and working for her is her army of ‘Grelfs. Growing her natural produce and selling it at cost to undercut honest, hard-working, chlorine washers who spend hours every week cleaning our food for us! It’s bullshit is what it is. Fucking hippies”. Dodo was confused.  
“So you’re happy to create a fictional currency and introduce it causing the market to go dick-in-it’s-own-ass backwards but all-natural-produce is where you join the line”. Jimmy didn’t even hesitate to nod.  
“I’m a capitalist Dodo. It’s what we do”.  
Dodo was about to walk away from the strange man but found he couldn’t move, speak or even breathe. Only his eyes could do anything so he frantically switched them from side to side hoping to see anyone who could help him. But all of his crew were suffering the same problems he was. They were locked up tighter than a minority person caught with nothing. The need to breathe grew stronger and just as it peaked, several ‘Grelfs emerged from the forest, smartphones held up as if to take pictures of them all.  
“How do you like our new restrain filter. It can control your position and whether or not you’re allowed to speak. For some reason we get a lot of downloads by white men, mostly in the government. I’m sure it’s nothing”. With a nod from him, eight ‘Grelfs tapped their phones and Dodo instinctively drew the biggest breath of his life. He still couldn’t talk but Karanor had no such restriction.  
“#Turmeric what the fuck is this?”  
“This is border control. The fuck you think this is Karanor? We don’t just let anyone cross over into our realm. You know what kind of effect that has on our national security?”  
“Annathalia isn’t a nation!”  
“That’s not the point. You foreigners come in and take our jobs, our medicine, our women. It’s our job to keep our home safe. And we do that by any means necessary”.  
#Turmeric waved over one of his lieutenants and started issuing rapid orders.  
“Find any kids they have with them. Take them away and get them adopted by white nationalists. Increase our voter presence. Next find out where they are from and send them back. Then we flood their home nations with drugs and violence, sending more families our way. Then we take those kids and do it all over again”.  
“Holy fuck #Turmeric you’ve been talking with 4chan again haven’t you?” One of his soldiers asked as the others looked on. “We’re not border patrol. We’re fucking tour guides. Give them the maps and send them to the Queen”.  
“Fine!” #Turmeric spat. “I’ll do what you say #SickTrix. But you haven’t heard the end of this”.  
As #Turmeric went to grab maps for the crew to use, another of the soldiers began screaming and waving his arms around.  
“No! You can’t let them in! They’ll bring crime and disease! Uneducated people who’ll claim benefits then take all our high-skilled jobs! We have to defend our nation! Build the wall! Lock them up! Make Annathalia great again! Make Annathalia great again! Make Anna— “  
A gunshot cracked and a small hole appeared in the extremist ‘Grelf’s forehead. Everyone watched his body hit the floor before turning to #SickTrix who was holding the smoking gun.  
“You see what you did #Turmeric? You radicalised him. Just for that you get to take these guys to the Queen yourself. And explain why she needs to send someone else out here”.  
“You can’t give me orders!” #Turmeric raged before the gun was turned on him. Under the watchful eye of the barrel, #Turmeric changed his mind begrudgingly. “I can’t believe someone gave you a gun. We need better controls”.


	22. Chapter 22

The journey took a day. But that was because at least twice, #Turmeric was distracted by his own attempts to trick them into confessing treason. Only after someone explained to him that as foreigners, they couldn’t be charged with treason unless they were accepted into Annathalia, did he stop and lead them towards the Queen.  
“What are we doing here Karanor?” Dodo asked quietly, pulling the man to one side of the procession through the trees. “Why did we come this way?”  
“We need to see #Limelaenia, Queen of the Sun, Angel of the Forest. We need her council, her aid”.  
“But why?”  
“Because we have hundreds of miles to cover and doing it on foot will take months” Karanor explained. “#Limelaenia is the most powerful person around. The most followers, the greatest number of likes, the most advertisement deals. We’re in her territory and we need her help. If the bad guys ever catch us then…well let’s just say not even you have been fucked as badly as we would be”.  
“Clearly you’ve never gone ten rounds with the Bracegirdle twins on E” Dodo mumbled in response.  
“No I have not and I’m OK with that. The point is we’re in need of assistance. So keep that in mind”.  
Dodo nodded and moved back to walk with Sally. Wham and Terry were close by.  
“You good?” Sally asked quietly, her fingers wrapping around his hand, gripping him tightly. Dodo nodded, a sad smile on his face.  
“I just can’t believe Marion is gone”.  
“I can’t believe he thought it was acceptable to say those things” Everyone nodded at Terry’s words.  
“Personally I loved they guy and I really am going to miss him. But objectively he was a kind of a dick and while the world may not be better because he’s dead, it’s not any worse off either” Wham said. His words hurt but Dodo had trouble finding a flaw in them. Marion was a piece of shit, but he was also a friend. He turned to Sally, returning the grip on his hand.  
“How are you doing?”  
“Dry”.  
“What?”  
“I’m dry” Sally said. “Ever since Marion fell, I’ve just dried up down there”. The Hobbits stopped in shock and Sally shrugged. “I think it might be a grief thing. Kind of like pouring one out for a homie except the exact opposite of that”.  
“That’s insane” Wham whispered. “Sally Slippin’ is no longer slippin’”. Sally nodded.  
“I’m sure it’ll start up again at some point but I have to say it’s quite nice not having to drink ten litres of water a day. I’m wearing dry pants for the first time since I hit puberty. All in all, things are pretty great!”  
“Marion just died” Dodo reminded her but she wasn’t having it.  
“Who gives a shit, I’m warm!” Sally replied gleefully. “You have no idea how rare it is just being warm”. Silence fell among the Hobbits and Dodo spent thirty seconds trying to figure out what was wrong before he realised. Sally was walking without squelching.

The group crested the top of a small hill and saw the realm of Annathalia spread out before them. And thrusting up from it’s middle, in a phallic display that would’ve done SBM proud, was the largest tree they had ever seen.  
“Amazing” Forromeer whispered.  
“Beautiful” Jimmy murmured.  
“It’s a fucking tree. Keep moving” #Turmeric spat, plodding forwards with all the grace of a two-legged donkey.  
“You are the shittest tour guide I’ve ever met” #Legless said.  
“Forgive me for not wanting to invite illegal aliens to my country”. Dodo saw Karanor shake his head and glance, angrily, at the sky. “We have enough to deal with without thieves and murderers and illegal smuggling”.  
Everyone automatically looked at Dodo who patted the Thing, just to be sure it was still there.  
“Holy shit are we bad at this” Terry said. Thankfully, #Turmeric didn’t notice as he was way out in front where he stayed until they came to the foot of the dick tree. Dodo was certain it had it’s own name but the tree was long and thick, had a mushroom top, with lots of smaller, rougher trees surrounding the base. All it needed was several flocks of white birds flying out of the top tree with the first few flocks flying high and fast but the subsequent ones flying out slower and dribbling down the tip. Sally elbowed him roughly and gestured down towards the noticeable erection creating a marquee at his crotch.  
A hand in the pocket and a brief reshuffle solved that issue and Dodo followed Sally as they all climbed the staircase built into the dick tree. Dodo was facing Sally’s ass which didn’t help dismantling the tent but thankfully they reached their destination quickly, all of them filing onto an audience platform that was built into the tree at least fifty metres in the air. With no rails. Or even a rope. Dodo shuffled in closer to the others to avoid being blown off the edge by the wind.  
Manoeuvring closer he saw #Turmeric introducing the crew to two Instagrelfs who sat on majestic thrones that made Dodo even more terrified about the platform giving way.  
“These were the invaders I caught at the borders. Trying to infiltrate our lands and steal our resources. We must punish them as harshly and publicly as we can to discourage— “  
“So basically what you’re saying is, these people wanted to visit our home and you jumped them like a serial killer/rapist capturing his next victim?” The one who interrupted was one of the two ‘Grelfs sitting in the thrones. He wore simple clothing and sat in a relaxed manner looking pleasantly bored with everything going on.  
“That’s not—” #Turmeric tried to defend himself but was once again cut off.  
“You’re banned from the internet” the relaxed ‘Grelf said. It seemed as if someone had cut the legs out from #Turmeric, the way he collapsed. “We told you to stay away from Reddit and 4chan and all the other racist places but here you are, back on your bullshit. So no internet”.  
“But—”  
“Don’t make me take away your TV privileges as well”. That finally shut #Turmeric up and he retreated to the edge of the platform and based on the look on his face, Dodo honestly thought he might jump. “OK good. Now, my name is #Mike. Please don’t follow me. I make no content”. The looks on the faces of the crew must’ve amused him as he explained. “I’ve never really cared about the whole social media thing but ever since I started sleeping with her, she insisted I make an account so she can tag me in various pictures. I don’t mind it, requires no effort on my part but yeah, don’t follow me”.  
#Legless searched for #Mark on his phone and exclaimed “but you have several million followers!” #Mike sighed.  
“Yeah because idiots can’t fucking follow instructions”. #Mike’s phone dinged to notify him of eight new followers and he threw his hands up in frustration. “Where the fuck is Marion? He’s really the only one I wanted to see anyway”.  
“Marion is dead” said the one next to him, who Dodo assumed was #Limelaenia, Queen of the Sun, Angel of the Forest.  
“Yes” Karanor confirmed. “He fell in a rap battle within the Caves of Kryptocurrency”. #Limelaenia nodded slowly.  
“I will compose an In Memorium post in his honour. I’ll leave out the sex stuff though. It doesn’t play well with crowds”.  
“My lady is too kind. But we came here for help. We need your assistance in succeeding in our quest to destroy the Thing”.  
Dodo nervously glanced at #Turmeric, nervous about giving such details around someone who wanted them dead but he was clearly still mourning the loss of his connectivity.  
“You will have all the help you require. We will aid our friends in this time of need. But for tonight you can rest within our borders; they are protected with the strongest of filters. No pain will come to you while you’re here”. Dodo zoned out from the conversation as a whisper spoke within his mind. A whisper that grew louder and louder until it was screaming in his head.

WELCOME DODO SHAGGINS! ONE WHO HAS HEARD THE THING!

With a gasp Dodo stumbled before steadying himself and looking directly at #Limelaenia who’s voice he’d heard echo in his mind.  
“Well no physical pain anyway” the ‘Grelf clarified.


	23. Chapter 23

The forest of Annathalia was a beautiful place. The kind of place Dodo thought was vanishing in the world. As he lay on a hammock, swinging in the gentle winds, his gaze wandered through the soaring trees and across rustling leaves. His eyes followed beams of sunlight as they filtered through the canopy and landed on wild flowers that grew up through the detritus of fallen leaves and moss-covered deadwood. The air was clean and fresh and every breath he took felt like he was being purified of filth from the inside out. Perhaps he would strike a deal with #Limelaenia allowing SBM workers to have regular retreats here. They could use the time to harden their wills, rejuvenate their spirits.  
With a sigh Dodo fumbled his way out of the hammock and went for a stroll. Sleep wasn’t coming this night; the grief was too fresh. Not many others felt the same way though as Dodo saw Wham and Terry showing a few Instagrelfs the benefits of bedding down with a Hobbit. A little ways away, Sally was sound asleep with a wide smile on her face, no doubt from the fact that she was dry as a bone. Karanor and Forromeer were having an intense discussion and further along Dodo went passed #Legless and Jimmy relaxing in a grove.  
“Young Dodo” Jimmy said, reclining against a mound of dirt. “Where are you off to at this time of night? Given that Miss Slippin is still ahammock, I trust you’re not philandering about?” Dodo stopped dead in his tracks a surprised look on his face. #Legless chuckled.  
“We’re quirky Dodo but we’re not idiots. Everyone knows you and Sally are together”.  
“Well…shit” Dodo said, at a loss for what to do. “We didn’t really want to tell anyone. In our business, relationships can kill the career. Or the career can kill the relationship. So we’ve been trying to play it cool”.  
“Well there’s no need to play it cool with us. Given that we all know. And that you suck at it”. Dodo smiled at #Legless who nodded in return. “But why are you up?” Dodo sighed.  
“Marion” was all the Hobbit said. It was all he had to say. The others nodded.  
“Yeah we were just talking about him. A very complex man. He saved the people of Roonskape from the Miners Craft by hiding them away yet was chased out of several villages and would never say why. Truly an odd man”. #Legless stopped talking and sat back, contemplating life, the universe and everything before tossing the book aside and standing up. “I think I too will compose a memorial post for Marion. I’ll have it ready to go. Undercut #Limelaenia. It’ll be great”.  
“But isn’t she the Queen?” Dodo asked confused. #Legless shrugged.  
“Not my Queen. I’m not a fan of monarchies anyway. Fuck royalty”.  
“You’re a Prince. Your father’s a King” Jimmy interjected. “You can’t fuck royalty”.  
“True, but you can. That is, if you hurry up”. With those words #Legless walked away leaving a very shocked Hobbit and very hard Dwarf behind. Jimmy got to his feet and began to follow #Legless.  
“And just for the record Dodo” Jimmy said as he walked away, “that’s how you play it cool”.  
Dodo watched the Dwarf walk away but didn’t have time to ponder as he glimpsed #Limelaenia descending from her lofty perch and walk deeper into the forest. Dodo followed wondering how much weirder this night could get.  
A lot, as it would turn out.  
Having nothing better to do, and still curious about the queen, Dodo followed her on her path. He was well aware of how it looked, to follow a lone woman into a forest at night but there were mitigating circumstances. The first was that this was, in fact, her forest. The second was that she’d looked towards him and gestured for him to follow.  
Dodo came to a staircase cut into the hill he found himself atop. Each stair was lined with roots to give a traveller purchase and Dodo was grateful for them as he descended. #Limelaenia was standing in a clearing at the bottom of the stairs, in front of a tall piece of glass, framed in wood cut from a pure white tree. Or just painted; Dodo wasn’t a carpenter nor an arborist.  
“Will you look in the smart mirror?” #Limelaenia asked, her voice sounding far more pleasant now that it wasn’t echoing inside his skull.  
“What will I see?”  
“Even the very wisest cannot tell. The coding is fucked, so it can literally show you anything”.  
“Then why bother?” Dodo asked.  
“Sometimes it seems like the smart mirror shows a person many things. Things they needed to see. Things that were, things that are, and some things…”  
“…”  
“…”  
“…”  
“…”  
“…”  
“That have not yet come to pass”.  
The Hobbit looked at the mirror. Confused, nervous.  
“Are you telling me that mirror can show the future?”. #Limelaenia smiled unhelpfully. “Well fuck the arrow of time I guess” he muttered. Dodo walked in front of the mirror and beheld it in wonder and mystery. “It’s asking me to sign into my Google account”. #Limelaenia sighed and began tapping on the mirror, closing the sign-in request and the eighty seven pleas to reconsider and sign in so that they could access your data.  
“I swear, Google won’t be happy until they know the diameter of my anus when I take a shit” the Queen said, dropping her act. Eventually the mirror stopped demanding information and sat there waiting patiently, allowing #Limelaenia to resume her ethereal manner. With a graceful sweep of her arm, she invited Dodo to face the mirror and take his turn with fate. Give that in recent times, fate had been fucking him up the ass without lube, Dodo was hesitant to do so but with a deep breath, he stepped forwards.  
At first he could only see himself, and the usual icons in the top corners. Battery, Wi-Fi, Location. But then the image began to change and the smart mirror began to show him things. Horrible things.  
Sally leaving him.  
His friends turning on him.  
The collapse of SBM.  
Himself with an average sized penis.  
Marion falling.  
Olion smiling.  
Dodo gasped and tried to turn away but he couldn’t move; transfixed by the bright smile of his worst enemy. Olion was not what he expected him to be. Dodo thought that evil would be ugly and terrifying but that wasn’t the case. Evil was attractive; well-groomed with perfectly styled hair and dressed impressively in Hugo Boss. Evil had a charming smile and an infectious laugh. Evil wore a kind face that convinced you that they couldn’t possibly be the bad person. Evil wasn’t terrifying, and that was the scariest thing he’d ever seen.  
Dodo jerked his head down and saw the Thing, seemingly of it’s accord, fall out of his pocket and tumble towards the smart mirror. Dodo lunged, arms flailing in midair, trying to catch it but it grazed his fingers and fell towards the mirror. Horror filled Dodo as the image of Olion seemed to reach for the Thing just as it hit the smart mirror and bounced off to the ground.  
Dodo stared at the Thing  
#Limelaenia stared at the Thing  
Mirror Olion stared at the Thing  
With a sigh, Dodo shook his head and put the Thing back in his pocket. “Well that was anti-climactic”.  
“The mirror tends to be like that” #Limelaenia explained. “Showing a little bit here and there. Enough to make you want more but not enough to satisfy. Such a tease”.  
“I just don’t know what to do” Dodo said, shoulders slumping as he spoke. “I just feel so alone”.  
“You’re a Thingbearer Dodo Shaggins, To bear a Thing of power is to be alone”. There was something in her voice that made Dodo look up and pay attention. From the midst of her home-made clothes, her slender fingers pulled out another Thing, causing Dodo’s jaw to drop and his eye’s to grow like that of a girl in anime. “Did you think there was only one Thing?” He nodded. “There have been many Things over the years and none of them have been evil. They were used to rule our lands, to hold information about our realms and our people. They allowed us to provide for our people. Olion took the concept and used it to give himself control of others. He stole a Thing and jailbroke it. That’s what you’re holding there”.  
Dodo raised his hand and held it out towards #Limelaenia. “If you want, I’ll give it to you”. #Limelaenia flinched. “I’ll give you this Thing”.  
“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wanted this”. Her fingers twitched, proving her words true. “I’ve imagined it a lot. A woman in charge. With absolute power. Instead of some alt-right bastard you’d have a queen!” She flung her hands into the air but Dodo wasn’t really sure why. “People would do what I wanted! When I wanted! I’d have followers not just online but in real life! Everyone would love me and hate themselves for it!”  
With a gasp, #Limelaenia seemed to tear herself away from her moment of madness, panting for breath.  
“Are…are you OK there?” Dodo asked, curiosity lacing his voice.  
“I’ve passed the test”.  
“What test?”  
“I shall leave and remain #Limelaenia”.  
“As opposed to…?”  
“Get some sleep young Hobbit. You’ve many trials ahead of you”. She turned and walked away, and Dodo followed for a time until she moved towards her tree and he went to his own hammock. Everyone else was asleep, #Legless and Jimmy snoring in different parts of the campsite. He clambered into his bed for the night and fell asleep.


	24. Chapter 24

The river moved swiftly and they along with it as they sat in the boats given to them in Annathalia. They had left quickly but with parting gifts.

#Limelaenia had greeted them personally when they awoke and told them to get moving quickly. #Mike took Karanor aside and explained that they were being tracked.  
“We’ve seen some fucked up things” #Mike had said quietly. “Not the usual crackheads either. These guys are focused and dangerous. Some sort of Ritalin/Adderal combo”.  
“Methheads” Karanor whispered, a twinge of fear in his stomach. #Mike nodded and pressed a brand new dagger into his hand.  
“You’re being followed Karanor”.  
The others were given gifts under far less ominous circumstances. Every one of them was given a bag of Huel powder, a long coat handmade by the tailors of Annathalia, along with individual gifts.  
“These are the twin daggers of Love and Rage” #Limelaenia said to Sally and Terry. “They’ll serve you well in the coming days”. She gave Love to Terry and Rage to Sally.  
“This is the finest rope we can weave. As tight as you need it to be” #Limelaenia said to Wham, handing him the item.  
“Thank you so much for giving my friends named daggers and me…rope”.  
“Your sass is noted”.  
#Limelaenia moved to stand in front of #Legless.  
“We don’t get very many of your kind here but we’ve heard of you and your skill. Both with a gun and with the camera. So these are for you”. #Limelaenia revealed two sub-machine guns and a piece of paper. “On this paper is the download code for an Unlimited Bullets filter. And not just for you but for everyone around you. Use it well” #Legless was speechless, so he bowed his head in thanks.  
“And what gift would a Dwarf ask of an Instagrelf?” #Limelaenia said to Jimmy.  
“From you my lady, a single smile just for me”. Already smiling at him, #Limelaenia smiled even wider and her face seemed to glow, radiant with joy. She smiled down at Jimmy until he looked away, blushing terribly. #Limelaenia knelt down and pulled his face close to hers before taking a picture of the two of them. No filters. With the caption ‘Me and my friend, Jimmy’.  
“Dodo I give to you the Powerball of Annathalia. It’s used to increase finger and wrist strength because I’ve seen your work and fingering is your weakest area. I’m a woman, I can tell. Plus it lights up when you use it well enough to finger bang someones brains out”. Dodo took the confusing gift and walked away to the boats.  
“I have no gift for you given that you’re already fucking my granddaughter” #Limelaenia said to Karanor.  
“I didn’t realise you knew about that” Karanor said awkwardly.  
“We’ve a very close relationship. I know how big your dick is and how well you use it”. Karanor had nothing to say to that so she carried on. “We won’t meet again Karanor. Live well. And spend some more time on foreplay”.  
The Instagrelfs of Annathalia watched as the three boats moved downstream, carrying the fate of the world with it.

The crew spent several days on the river, being carried by the current and only stopping at night when it was time to camp and sleep. They ate on the water, spoke on the water and went to the toilet on the water. The latter required intense planning to make sure no one got a face full of anything caught by the wind; Forromeer avoided Sally after that first time.  
As the sun set on their first day sailing, the crew turned their boats to the side and beached them on the river bank before setting up camp. Everyone broke off while Karanor sketched out their rough path.  
“We’ll follow the river as far south as we can go then head on foot to Happyland. It’ll be easy”.  
“Easy?” Jimmy asked, smirking at Karanor. “After the river we have to go through the Crazee Mazee. A labyrinth of razor sharp rocks littered with literal razors sticking out of the walls in some places. And after that it gets even better! Marshlands created by corporation run-off and illegal dumping, as far as the eye can see”.  
“Yeah. Like I said. Easy”. Karanor rolled up his map, ignoring Jimmy’s mutterings, and walked away, followed by Forromeer.  
“I notice you’re doing everything you can to stay away from Londale”. Forromeer said, once they were away from everyone else.  
“The plan is to destroy the Thing. We can’t do that in Londale so there’s no point going there”, Karanor said without breaking his stride.  
“We can rest there!” Forromeer snapped, grabbing Karanor’s arm to stop him walking away. “Recuperate and then head out with the strength of Londale at our backs!” Karanor snorted.  
“There is no strength in Londale. A decaying country of weak people”.  
“Strong enough to overthrow a corrupt and outdated monarchy!” Karanor ripped his arm out of Forromeers grips.  
“I will die before I let the Thing within a hundred miles of your city! My apologies, the people’s city”.  
The night passed quietly and they were back on the river come morning. At one point #Legless directed his boat closer to Karanor’s and started talking. Dodo and Wham, who were on the same boat, listened intently.  
“Karanor, I’ve been seeing some troubling tweets”.  
“Like what?”  
“People mentioning a large group of…things. Running hard and fast, with no signs of stopping. People are calling them crackheads but I’ve seen a few pictures. These guys aren’t Crackheads”.  
“Show me”.  
“I’m running out of data man, just take my word for it. They’re taller, jacked, and from the locations on the tweets, they’re coming our way”. With a nod, Karanor used his oar to push #Legless away and paddled in thought. Dodo and Wham exchanged worried glances but stayed quiet.  
Several hours later, Karanor reached forwards and shook Dodo by the shoulder.  
“Dodo look, it’s the statues of my ancestors.” Dodo lifted his head and gasped aloud. Flanking the river they were floating down were four gargantuan statues, carved from the mountains that were behind them. Regal and imposing the four statues held their arms aloft, forming shapes in the sky. One was a “Y”, another an “M”. Then a “C” and finally an “A”.  
“What are those shapes they’re making with their hands?” Dodo asked, still in awe at the sheer size of them. Because of this he didn’t see Karanor furtively look around and up before sighing.  
“No one knows. The secrets were lost many years ago”. A cloud in the shape of a thumbs-up blew across the sun and evaporated.  
They beached once again close to the statues and the waterfall they guarded. Karanor spoke as they made camp.  
“We’ll wait for darkness then cross the river. There’s a lot of crackheads on the wrong side of the river and we need nightfall to get passed them all”. Everyone nodded, even #Legless though he did so uneasily. He pulled his phone out and started recording a video for his followers that he couldn’t post. Wham wandered through the camp before asking out loud.  
“Where’s Dodo?” Karanor examined the camp and the tracks before answering.  
“He’s with Forromeer”.  
“Dodo, the Thingbearer, is alone with Forromeer” Sally said. “Are we sure that’s a good idea?” There were no answers but a lot of people started moving very fast.  
While everyone was getting ready to find him, Dodo had gone for a walk and ended up a fair distance from the camp. He was walking beneath trees and around fallen branches, occasionally studying one of the smaller statues littered around that had clearly been used for practice, when he ran into Forromeer.  
“I didn’t expect to see you so far from the camp Dodo”, he said as he collected firewood. Dodo shrugged.  
“I just started walking and didn’t pay much attention to where I went. I just needed some time”.  
“I get it” Forromeer said, nodding along. “You’ve been through a lot of shit recently. Shit that you shouldn’t have had to go through if the people around you could just get there shit together”. Dodo smiled in agreement. “There is another way Dodo. A way you can be free of all this”. The smile slipped away.  
“What do you mean?” Forromeer turned to face him and Dodo didn’t like the look in his eye.  
“I mean give me the Thing. Let me take the burden. You and your friends can go back home and move on with your life. Let me handle this”.  
“You and Karanor and #Legless and Jimmy right? You’d work with those guys to see this through?”  
“I mean sure but #Legless and Jimmy have their businesses to think about. And Karanor is a busy guy. I’m sure he’d check in from time to time but I can handle it fine. Besides I have a whole team of people I can use. My brother for example. Great guy”.  
“So…you want me to give you the Thing so you can get rid of everyone else and bring your own team in to handle it how you want”, Dodo said. “You’re basically trying to perform a hostile takeover of this thing”.   
Forromeer threw the wood to the ground, enraged all of a sudden.  
“What business does some big-dicked porn star have saving the world? I’m the son of the Prime Minister! This is my right! Give it to me before I take it by force!”  
“I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve said that huh?” With an inarticulate howl of rage, Forromeer tackled Dodo to the ground and they both started wrestling with each other for the Thing. Forromeer tore into Dodo’s clothes looking for the device and ended up trying to pull it from Dodo’s hands when it turned on.

“Make this place great again!”  
“Climate change isn’t real!”  
“Wind turbines cause cancer!”

Forromeer let go in shock, allowing Dodo to knee him in the balls and escape. He had no words for the Hobbit as Forromeer was currently vomiting profusely, hands cupping his genitals.  
Dodo ran. He ran so fast and so hard he had no idea where he was. But more importantly he didn’t think to turn the Thing off, and the longer it was on, the more insidious it’s mutterings became.

“It’s not really slavery though is it? It’s true that some people are better suited to one task while some are suited to another. There’s no shame in this. You’d never ask a fish to fly. So if you take all the people suited to one job and get them to do that one job then it;s best for everyone. It’s efficient. And if they’re not good at the basic jobs then you train them to be. While all the other people who aren’t good at the basic jobs you put in managerial jobs. But because the managerial jobs are harder they should get paid more. And maybe the basic jobs are so easy that you barely need to pay them it’s so easy”.

Dodo hid behind a wall and smashed the off button on the Thing, shaking from the effects. He took deep breaths, trying to clear his mind of what he’d just realised was the voice of Olion. Eventually he managed to calm himself and turned around to leave before promptly falling off the roof of a small wooden shed. The wind was knocked out of him when he landed and it was several moments of pain and groaning before he was able to stand up.  
“How the fuck did I get up there?”  
“Dodo!” Karanors voice boomed from behind him, causing Dodo to jump like a frightened cat.  
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Dodo demanded to know. “First Forromeer tries to take the Thing and now you sneak up on me? Bastards! All of you!” The moment Dodo mentioned Forromeer, Karanor stared striding forwards.  
“Where is the Thing?” Karanor said and Dodo saw a glint in his eye that made him stumble away. A glint that said he was going to take what he wanted.  
“Stay the fuck away white man!” The glint vanished and Karanor held up his hands, confused. Hurt.  
“Dodo I swore to protect you”.  
“No you didn’t!”  
“I meant to”  
“Maybe you just meant to take the Thing for yourself”. Dodo reached into his coat and pulled out the Thing, offering it to Karanor. For a moment, the lost heir stared at the Thing as if it was the only thing in the world before shaking his head.  
“I’m good”. Dodo slowly tucked the device away again.  
“Tell the others I’m sorry. That I wish it could be different”. Karanor nodded slowly, sadness across his face. “And tell…tell them all I’ll be back when I can”.  
“I would have gone with you to the very end. Or maybe until I got bored. Hard to say”.  
Karanor jumped to his feet, the sorrow on his face replaced by alarm.  
“Doesn’t your gun glow when we’re in danger?” Dodo nodded.  
“And when we’re not”.  
“Time to run”, and Dodo watched Karanor turn in dramatic slow motion and glimpsed a horde of large, hyper-aggressive and hyper-focused creatures behind him before sprinting away into the bushes to find those boats and get the fuck out of here.


	25. Chapter 25

Karanor took a deep breath, exhaling as he drew his gun and took aim. Everything seemed to move slowly, the methheads moving even slower than he was. Their perfectly parted hair waving in the wind and their perfectly ironed clothes with creases so sharp they could cut a man. Karanor had never seen these creatures before but they were taller than crackheads, had much better posture, and every eye was fixed on him. Crackheads weren’t able to focus like that so that was a big indicator of just how fucked they were. But Karanor wasn’t just going to give up; that wasn’t his style.  
He fired three times and it was almost like he could watch the bullets travelling through the air. The pieces of metal moved towards their targets leaving ripples in the air right up until they introduced themselves to the three methheads in front. The bullets made a neat little hole before blowing out the back of their heads, all the while their expressions remained unchanged. Time was really doing something weird and Karanor couldn’t really understand it until he saw a blur that was #Legless hiding behind a pillar and filming the fight.  
“Why are you making me fight in slow motion?” Karanor demanded, time dilation making him talk slower and sound deeper than he really was. Something Karanor wasn’t opposed to.  
“Wide angled lens. Sorry man”. Conversely #Legless sounded high-pitched and very fast. He panned the camera across and for a moment, half of his body was moving at regular speed and the other half at slow speed. The tidal forces inside of him were agony but it only lasted a split second before Karanor was back to full speed. Shaking himself loose, he joined #Legless and Jimmy who were standing together watching the methheads charge towards them in super slow motion.  
“This is weird” Karanor said as he unloaded his clip into the mass of enemies. The bullets slowed down as soon as they entered the frame.  
“It really is” Jimmy agreed. “Imagine watching one of the Hobbits nut in slo-mo. The arc of jizz would be immense”. Karanor shook his head but made a mental note to try it with #Thernan when he could. “But enough about that” Jimmy said, as he pulled out his shotgun. “Shall we get to work?” Karanor and #Legless nodded, the latter attaching his phone to a chest harness which allowed him to pull out his machine guns.  
“Three…Two…One…Fire!” They all fired wildly, maniacally, at the enemies in front of them. Laughing insanely as they recklessly sprayed bullets hoping to see the methheads be torn apart. They only stopped firing when they were out of ammunition and it took a few seconds for the echo of the gunshots to fade away. With a sigh, Karanor reloaded and holstered his weapons. “Turn the filter off #Legless”. All the bullets they’d fired were hovering in the air, having stopped moving forwards just like the first bullets did.  
The three of them walked around the group to the side, able to see the imminent destruction but not in the way of their own bullets. With a few taps, the filter vanished and the group of methheads evaporated. That was the only accurate way to describe it. A few more taps and the slow motions came back on and they were able to see the blood and gore that had been raining down from the sky.  
“That shit is nasty” Jimmy said. Karanor agreed as he tried to keep his food in his stomach. For a warrior, he’d never really enjoyed the bloodshed. There were several methheads still standing and Jimmy tossed a grenade at their feet. It froze in midair and Karanor tried to understand what to do next. Until he heard a weird noise on the air.  
“What is that?” #Legless asked, tilting his head like a dog.  
“It’s Sweet Home Alabama” Jimmy said.  
“Forromeer!” Karanor turned and began to run, the others following behind.

Forromeer felt like shit. First he’d tried to take the Thing from Dodo, something he had sworn he wouldn’t do until he really really wanted to. And then when he’d taken to r/AmITheAsshole the overwhelming consensus was the he was indeed the asshole. So he’d been moping in the woods, kicking rocks and leaning against trees and staring into the distance when he’d noticed Sally and Terry running away from a large group of muscular people. Immediately he started running and managed to intervene just before the closest methhead fired his weapon.  
“Forromeer! Where the fuck have you been?” Terry called out.  
“Yeah why couldn’t you have come earlier? I thought you’d be a pro at it!” Sally insulted him but Forromeer was too busy to engage.  
“Well I’m here now so let’s get moving!”  
Forromeer fired off a couple more shots, killing the closest ones and then started retreating with the Hobbits. With one hand he held his weapon and with the other he activated his emergency beacon.  
Sweet home Alabama  
Where the skies are so blue  
“Why the hell are you playing that?” Sally asked as they ran. Forromeer fired off a few more, taking two right in the head.  
“Because it’s the call to action for all white people. They are genetically wired to come running when they hear this song”. Sally and Terry looked at each other and nodded, conceding the point. They carried on running, the former silent woods now filled with panting, gunshots and the sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Several times Forromeer had to stop running and fire as the methheads got too close; their cardio was insane. They could sprint for extended periods of time and every now and then a few would breakaway from the pack in an attempt to reach them. Attempts that almost succeeded.  
On one such attempt Forromeer planted his feet and emptied a full clip at the mass of methheads that were closing in on them and the final bullet burst through the last one chasing him, dropping his body close to their feet.  
“We need to keep moving” Forromeer said turning, “and wait for the othe—”  
A bullet hit him in the shoulder spinning him around and throwing him down. The Hobbits screamed and jumped to help him. Forromeer was bleeding profusely from the wound, coughing violently.  
“Fuck that hurts…” he gasped. The Hobbits clustered around him, trying to put pressure on the gaping hole but not knowing what else to do; completely out of their element. Even through the pain Forromeer saw this on their faces. They wouldn’t survive unless he did something. This was his chance for a redemption arc.  
He knew the bullet in his shoulder was a high calibre round. That meant there was most likely a sniper somewhere. Which meant that in his condition he was already dead. So he made the most of it. Spinning around to face the oncoming charge, Forromeer began firing like a madman, a highly trained madman with every bullet meeting it’s mark. If only his academy teachers could see him now.  
“Forromeer displays mediocrity with firearms. I’d be surprised if he could hit the side of a barn”  
“Screw you Mr Forsyth. I’ll show you!”  
And show him Forromeer did. Every shot landed between the eyes, killing someone who was trying to kill him. And Forromeer was OK with that. Then the second bullet took a knee from him and he stopped thinking for a few seconds. There was no pain. That was the shock talking and he was planning to make the most of it. Flat on the floor, Forromeer kept firing and he heard the gunshots behind him, the Hobbits having finally got into the game. He knew he was running out of ammo but he was going to keep firing until he couldn’t. Forromeer was starting to feel the absence of his knee cap and the pain caused his finger to stumble on the trigger. That was when the sniper fired their third shot. Forromeer didn’t feel it.  
Sally and Terry gaped at the crater in Forromeers head, his lifeless body limp on the ground as he died in the same position from which he’d protected them. Tear-stained eye met tear-stained eye and throwing away their guns, they were out of bullets anyway, the Hobbits drew their swords and charged the enemy. It did not go well. The pair were picked up and restrained easily before being thrown over the shoulders of two methheads running away at full speed.

Dodo packed everything he could find into one of the boats and got ready to push off.  
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Dodo spun around at the sound of the voice to find Wham, standing there panting slightly. He continued his preparations regardless.  
“I’m going to Happyland. It’s time to do this alone”.  
“I agree”, Wham said as he threw his own bag into the boat. “It’s time we do this alone”. Dodo threw the bag out and Wham threw it in again. This cycle continued for a few minutes before Dodo snapped.  
“Enough! You’re not coming with me Wham. No one else is going to get hurt for me. Everyone is busy fighting those things, so now is the best time for me to leave. Karanor already knows. Just let me go. You don’t need to do this for me”. Wham stared at him for a few moments before punching Dodo in the stomach.  
“You think I’m doing this for you? The fate of the world is at stake here Dodo. Even if we all died, that would still be a small price to pay for the success of this mission and the safety of everyone alive. All it takes is for you to be caught asleep and the mission is over. The Thing gets taken and you end up some big-dicked slave. Is that what you want? I’m coming with you to make sure you live long enough to destroy that thing!” Dodo slumped his shoulders and nodded. “And also because you’re my friend. You don’t get to leave me behind”. With two steps Wham wrapped his arms around Dodo and held him tight, feeling Dodo shudder as he began to cry.   
Eventually they broke apart and jumped into the boat, crossing the river and heading towards Happyland.

Karanor, #Legless, and Jimmy turned up at the battlesite several minutes later, stopping at the site of Forromeers exploded skull.  
“Not again” Jimmy murmured, still not over the losses of Ballin’ and Marion. #Legless began tearfully composing a reaction video about finding his comrade dead and having failed to save him. Karanor didn’t know what to do. He’d spoken harsh words to Forromeer and now they were the last words he’d ever say to the man. He began patting the body down, he could give any personal items to his family or to charity. He wasn’t expecting to find a letter addressed to him. Karanor looked up at the sky, perplexed, but there was no answer. He tucked it away in his pocket, he was in no condition to read it now.  
He glanced across the river, flowing swifter than it had been when they beached here. Karanor could just about glimpse Dodo and Wham on the other shore while the boat carrying Forromeers body was caught by the current and launched right off the waterfall.  
“Dope” he whispered.  
“Well what do we do next?” Jimmy asked the group. “Dodo and Wham have gone towards Happyland but you don’t look like you’re in a rush to follow them”. Karanor shook his head. The three of them sat around for a few seconds, taking stock of everything that had just happened. Everything that had changed.  
“We failed” #Legless whispered. “We were supposed to protect them all and take Dodo to Happyland. We failed”. Jimmy nodded in agreement.  
“Not necessarily” Karanor said. “We can’t help Dodo anymore but we can still protect the ones who need it. Sally and Terry are pretty fucked if we don’t do anything, so let’s do something”. He made eye contact with the other two, infecting them with confidence like a pervert infects people with syphilis. “Let’s fuck up some nerds”.  
#Legless nodded, energised and Jimmy grinned savagely.  
“Yes!” he roared.  
Karanor turned and flew through the woods in hot pursuit of two Hobbits he didn’t really care for. But everyone needs a purpose.


	26. Chapter 26

It went on forever. A mind-boggling configuration of rock that had somehow, under the helping hand of magic no doubt, been created to be the most impassible series of defences either Dodo or Wham had ever seen. And in their line of work, every now and then a deranged fan would track them down and they’d have to take steps so they’d seen some wild methods of social distancing. However the Crazee Mazee was what would happen if a billionaire introvert suffered from anthropophobia. For days the Hobbits went round and round in circles, not achieving much except for getting their steps in for the day.  
“You realise we’re lost right?” Wham said one day.  
“We’re not lost” Dodo countered. “We’re ten steps away from the tree that looks like Timon fisting Pumbaa. A hundred steps away from the dildo rock. Two hundred steps ahead of the razor wire at adult male neck level. I know exactly where we are”.  
“Oh really? Then where’s the exit?” Dodo told Wham to fuck off and carried on moving.  
They tried climbing the walls and tunnelling under the rock and even requested an Uber to pick them up but their only option was Uber Black and neither was willing to pay for that. There was no guarantee they’d be able to expense it after all. They tried everything they could be bothered to try and in the end they sat down for another disappointing meal.  
Wham prepped while Dodo did nothing, an arrangement that Wham was frustrated he’d been stuck with but the law of Rock, Paper, Scissors was undeniable. He used the Huel powder given by the Instagrelfs and shook up a meal for them both. While a liquid only diet wasn’t ideal, neither had needed to shit for a week which saved a lot of time.  
“What’s the plan?” Wham asked, sipping his chocolate brownie flavoured meal.  
“Right now, just stay dry” Dodo replied, nodding towards the dark clouds moving their way.  
“At least we’ll be able to test out these coats #Limelaenia gave us”.  
The night fell quickly and the Hobbits tried to fall asleep but wherever they turned there was a razor or a syringe or an erection digging into their back. Eventually they managed to find positions that allowed them to rest somewhat peacefully and talk quietly.  
“We’re being followed” Dodo whispered.  
“I thought that was your erection” Wham replied, horrified.  
“Relax. It was. But we’re still being followed”.  
The next day proved to be the same, with zero progress being made. In a fit of desperation Dodo tried to pay for Uber Black but found out his credit score wasn’t good enough. Which was how he ended up three hours later with a credit card and an overdraft as well as a timeshare in the tropics.  
“How does that last one help you in any way?” Wham asked as he reclined on the rock least likely to give him Hepatitis.  
“I don’t know man but at a certain point I just got tired of arguing with them”. Dodo slumped backwards, rubbing his eyes with his fingers.  
“Wanna do a lap around the old track?” Wham asked, getting up and stretching. Dodo shook his head and simply lay down, pulling his coat over his entire body. “Suit yourself” Wham shrugged before taking off at a brisk job. It was a few seconds before his footsteps faded into the distance.  
For a while there was silence, punctuated only by occasional snorts of Dodo as his sleep apnea flared up. But apart from the snoring there was silence. Which meant the whispers echoed through the area.  
“This goddamn thief”, a soft voice on the wind. “This bastard. Taking what’s mine. They deserve to stay trapped. Starve in the Mazee”. The whispers came from a pale, emaciated person. Dressed in nothing but a rag, covered in scars, he climbed down the rock face; surprisingly agile and remarkably strong for what he appeared to be.  
The creature reached out a long-fingered hand to grasp the coat when it was yanked away and Dodo’s fist came out from behind it, smashing into the jaw of the would be burglar. It shrieked and went flying off the wall, landing sprawled in a heap on the floor. Rapid stomping caused the creature to hold its arms up to stop an attack from Dodo, leaving it vulnerable to Wham’s boot as he sprinted from his hiding place and joined the fight. The thing went flying again, it’s borderline skeletal figure lofted high by Whams powerful swing of his steel toe capped Timberlands. When asked why he would always wear such ridiculous footwear, his response would always be, “so I don’t need to change my shoes if I ever meet someone who needs an ass kicking”. Today was that day.  
But the creature wasn’t done yet. Righting itself in midair, in a feat worthy of praise, it landed on it’s feet and began spinning around.  
“Capoeira bitch!” it screeched as it attack-danced. Wham fell to a kick to the face that came from nowhere while Dodo was tackled mid spin and the creature began searching their campsite. The two Hobbits got back to their feet and once more attacked in unison before once more falling to this creatures blend of fighting and grooving. Dodo fell backwards after being kicked in the chest and this time the creature was on him, going through his pockets, and Dodo immediately knew he was being robbed.  
Wham appeared, reliable Wham who was always ready to throw down, tackled the beast off of Dodo, the pair of them rolling away until the thing managed to get on top and bit down on Whams neck. Hard. Dodo rushed over, finally thinking to draw his gun and smashed it against the beasts temple and its teeth immediately stopped moving.  
“Let him go”. For a heartbeat, no one moved. But slowly it’s jaw came apart and released Whams carotid artery. Wham struggled to his feet, checking his neck over and over, muttering about how he was gonna have to get tested again. Dodo ignored him, focusing on the matter at hand. “This just isn’t your day Boggle”. Boggles eyes widened at being recognised.  
“Who the fuck is Boggle?” Wham asked, pissed at being bested in the altercation.  
“Boggle is the guy Dildo met when he went to film the Lonely Mountain shoot. The guy who dropped the Thing”.  
“Lies!” Boggle hissed. “Lies! I didn’t drop it! It was stolen!”  
“Dildo didn’t need or want the Thing. You lost it. Accept it. Wham get the cuffs”. Always prepared for a shoot, Wham pulled out his handcuffs and watched as Boggles hands were restrained behind his back. Bad posture and gangly arms meant his cuffs were constantly in contact with Boggles dirty ass and Wham suddenly decided he’d rather get a new pair.  
“Here’s our problem Boggle” Dodo said as he sat down. “We’re stuck here. Can’t find the way out like a white man can’t find the clitoris. But you found us and I’m willing to bet you can get us out of here. So I’m going to ask you to lead us out of this goddamn Crazee Mazee and straight to the Glory Hole”.  
“Why the hell should I help a couple of thieves?” The creature spat at them both. Literally spat. It flew through the air and splattered against the ground.  
“Because otherwise I’ll fuck you with this metal dick here” Wham said holding his own gun, “and you really don’t want to feel the nut this will bust inside you”. The look of confusion on Boggles face made Dodo sigh.  
“He means he’ll put his gun up your butthole and pull the trigger”. The explanation caused Boggle to tense up, a rookie mistake when it came to getting anything up the butt. Boggle stared at the two of them as if hoping to see a bluff written on their faces but there was nothing there. Shoulders slumped, he nodded in agreement.  
“Excellent!” Dodo said, standing up and dusting off his trousers. “Let’s go”.


	27. Chapter 27

Spending three days bouncing up and down on a muscular shoulder was not as fun as it sounded. Sally was tired and bruised and scared that she would die without touching the floor again. She missed the floor. It was always so supportive and strong. She felt bad for not appreciating it more. On the plus side her moisture issues seem to have been solved for good. No leakages or floods or anything like that. The only time she’d gotten wet in the last three days was when they crossed a small stream and the methheads had decided it was time for everyone to bathe.  
She glanced across at Terry who seemed to be handling things less well than she was. He was battered and bleeding from his head constantly colliding with the well developed back that was carrying him away from his friends and towards his probable death. Sally compared his methhead to hers and found that hers was taking extra effort not to jostle her too much. Maybe chivalry wasn’t dead. Or maybe he was a fanboy. Either way meant that she was doing pretty well while Terry was looking pretty fucked, and not in a good way. Right behind his unconscious body, a methhead drank from a flask and she spoke for the first time since she was taken.  
“My friend is sick. He needs water. Please!”  
Immediately everyone stopped, all eyes turning to her and for someone used to being watched, it was surprisingly terrifying. Maybe it was the threat of actual death, she wondered.  
“Of course he’s sick” the methhead with the water flask said. His voice was soft and eloquent, not at all what she’d expected from someone who’s biceps were are big as her head. “He’s injured and has been exposed to the elements for days without proper nourishment”.  
“Then give him some water!” Sally begged.  
“No” he replied.  
“Why not?”  
“Because this isn’t water. It’s a caffeine solution designed to keep us moving. It would not be good for your friend”. Sally thought on it and realised that he was right. In his condition it would probably do more harm than good. But doing nothing would also be harmful.  
“And him arriving dead would not be good for you” she snapped, causing the methheads to murmur amongst themselves. She had a point. “Is there nothing you can do for him?” Another of the methheads rummaged in his pack before pulling out what seemed to be a giant blue egg.  
“These are nutritional suppositories. We can give him one of these if you want?” Sally’s eyes went wide. The width of those eggs were insane! Bigger than anything she’d ever had back there and she was pretty sure it our-girthed whatever Terry had taken as well. But he was so ill…  
“I don’t need it” came a slurring voice from the limp Hobbit. Sally gasped as Terry began to shift and lifted his head to see the suppository. “I was just resting thanks. I don’t need to be sodomised by a multivitamin”. With a shrug, the egg vanished and they began to run again, so Terry turned his head to face Sally while he rested some more.  
“How you feeling?” Sally asked worried for her friend.  
“Tired and in pain but thankfully un-violated” he replied so quietly she almost didn’t hear him over the many footsteps.  
“You may wanna reconsider lubing up because it doesn’t seem like you’re doing to well” Sally pointed out.  
“I don’t think these people use lube Sally”.  
“Of course we do” the methhead carrying Terry said as they ran. “To do otherwise would be illogical”.  
“Well then I stand corrected” Terry admitted with a pained shrug.  
Again they came to a sudden stop but this time all eyes were facing forwards and Sally had to listen carefully to hear what was going on.  
“What is it? What the problem?” one voice asked.  
“Twitter account @8om8adillio is tweeting about three white men tracking a group of methheads. They’re not very good at it. They’re falling further and further behind”.  
“Excellent. That means we can afford to take a rest at the next acceptable location”.  
“I agree”.  
“Goddamn those lazy bastards” Sally whispered to herself. Terry had fallen back into unconsciousness so she pulled a button from her coat and threw it on the floor. She didn’t have high hopes, but then again she didn’t have hope that they’d even come after her so who knew?  
They ran the rest of the day before stopping for the aforementioned rest after the sun had set. They made camp just outside the edge of the Gangborn DeForest, named for the horrible deforestation that had been taking place there for many years. Every day, an area the size of three Amazon fulfilment centres was torn down and then Amazon, who did the tearing down, then built fulfilment centres in the same place before manning them with the forest natives. It was all in all a horrible scheme but the press had been completely favourable. Which was because Amazon owned the press. As Sally sat next to Terry’s sleeping form she could hear the sounds of trucks and sobbing as they buried dead bodies.  
“This is super depressing” Sally said turning back to the campfire.  
“I for one am getting tired of our regimented diet!” one of the methheads called out, standing up and walking around the camp. Several others nodded in agreement at his words. “The only sustenance we’re allowed is suppositories and caffeine solution. I want something else. I want protein!” The magic P word got a lot of other methheads on board. While they were all super focused from the medication, many hadn’t forgotten their gym days and knew the benefits of a protein heavy diet.  
“The suppositories have all the protein we need” countered the apparent head of the group. “We’re on a maintenance diet”.  
“But I want to bulk!”. Cheers and jeers tore the camp in two, with those wanting to work on their one rep max on one side and those not wanting to buy new clothes on the other. Meanwhile Sally and Terry were trapped in the middle and slowly trying to extricate themselves without being noticed. But trying to extricate themselves was what drew attention to them. “What about them. They’re protein”. Sally had never once been ashamed of her curvaceous figure but realising she was the better meal made her wish she was flatter in the ass and legs area.  
“They are not for eating”. The leader and his team picked up the Hobbits and dragged them away from the hungry methheads. “The instruction was to deliver them alive and unharmed”.  
“I don’t care about the instructions anymore!” With the roar of his followers behind him, the hungry methhead made a charge for Sally and Terry but was suddenly beheaded by the leader.  
“If they don’t care for instruction then they don’t care to live! Kill them all”. And out of nowhere a little civil war erupted taking the Hobbits by surprise but they recovered their composure quickly enough to start to escape. They had made it all of ten feet when a giant hand grabbed their shoulders.  
“Food doesn’t run!” Their captor was one of the hungry methheads and the look on his face made it clear that he was going to eat them medium rare, until his head exploded and the sound of engines filled the camp.  
“The coats!” Terry cried out, slipping out from his coat and leaving the methhead holding the garment with a confused look on his face as Sally did the same. “What the fuck is going on?” Terry screamed out.  
“I don’t know! Just run!” Sally replied and they both sprinted into the DeForest.


	28. Chapter 28

Soft grass, hard rock, rivers, fields. The land had everything and as they pursued the kidnapped Hobbits, Karanor, Jimmy, and #Legless crossed them all. Sprinting as hard as they could in short bursts before resting and re-hydrating before carrying on. And when they weren’t sprinting they were jogging, strolling or just enjoying the views. There were such beautiful vistas in this world, it would be rude to not spend time appreciating them. And with a semi-professional photographer in tow, they’d be mad not to do a photoshoot.  
“Three days and nights pursuit. Decent food, plenty of rest, this has been a pretty good trip actually” Jimmy said, reclining on his hands as they watched the sunset across the plains.  
“You know we’re supposed to be finding the Hobbits right?” Karanor pointed out.  
“That’s big talk from a man spreading Camembert on an apple slice”. Karanor ignored the jibe and continued eating his picnic snacks that he’d bought at their last pit stop. #Legless was drinking mineral water as he was trying to head off a hangover from the alcohol he’d been drinking during the day. His insistence on brand authenticity was admirable but it was getting a little annoying.  
“Karanor is right though” #Legless said from behind the cold towel draped across his face, “we should get back to finding the Hobbits. They’re in pretty deep shit and those Methheads run pretty fast”.  
“It’s all those drugs they’re on. Keeps them focused. Won’t catch them taking breaks like this” Jimmy pointed out as he sipped on a flute of sparkling wine.  
“True. We need to start properly looking for them tomorrow. No more dicking around”.  
“I mean…we could start looking for them properly but we could also just take one more day to relax” Karanor said, shifting uncomfortably as something dug into his hand. It was a coat button and he tossed it aside without realising what it was. The other two looked at him strangely. “What?”  
“You’re normally the straight arrow. Wants to get everything done by some weird schedule that only you’re privy to. And now you’re saying we should rest? What gives?” Jimmy’s astute observations were shared by #Legless who’d removed his towel to stare at Karanor through one half opened eye but the man just shrugged.  
“I just think that there’s no real reason to rush when then answers may come to us with a lot less effort. And given everything we’ve been through is it really wrong to take some we time?”  
Neither Dwarf nor Instagrelf could argue with that so they did indeed stay for one more day. There were no pictures to be had as #Legless needed time to recover so they napped and snoozed and siesta’ed to their hearts content. It was the revving of engines and screeching of tyres that had them scrambling awake and running for cover. From behind a pile of rocks the three campers spied a group of bikers roar passed and Karanor decided it would be a good idea to call out to them.  
“RIDERS OF BROHAN! WHAT’S GOIN’ ON MO’FUCKERS!” The leader biker held up his hand and they flawlessly executed a group 180 turn that brought them right towards Karanor. Jimmy and #Legless stood close, all of them facing outwards as bikes circled them before parking up with all the bikers facing them. The sun was out, ergo, the guns were out and pointed right at them. Something no one appreciated.  
“You min’ tellin’ me what are y’all three doin’ here man?” The voice came from a tall, blond haired man who was getting off his bike. His magnificently plumed helmet was removed and tucked under his armpit as he approached. “You gotta speak quickly, before things start goin’ downhill”.  
“Tell me your name master biker, and I shall tell you mine”, Jimmy said looking up at the man.  
“I’m not liking’ your vibe my guy and unliked vibes don’ last long aroun’ here”. It took a few seconds before the three warrior campers recognised that as a threat, and #Legless whipped his phone out and started recording.  
“You lay one finger on him and I swear I’ll put you on blast”. Guns were cocked, filters were loaded, live-streaming was buffering when Karanor stepped in.  
“Everyone needs to relax” he said, holding his arms up peacefully. “My name is Karanor, this is #Legless and Jimmy the Dwarf”.  
“#Legless?” someone said “I love that guy!”. Whoever said it got ignored by everyone except #Legless who threw signed merch towards the voice.  
“We’ve been tracking a group of methheads who took two of our friends”, Karanor continued. “Have you seen them?” The man sighed and ran his fingers through his gloriously flowing hair and rubbed a hand down his ruggedly handsome face.  
“Yeah man we seen ‘em. The name’s Bromer and we wasted those methheads after sundown. Punks stirring up trouble in Brohan get dealt with. Na’mean?”  
“Your speech pattern is all over the place” Karanor said.  
“Yeah it happens sometimes”.  
“But what about the Hobbits?” Jimmy interjected. “Did you see two Hobbits?” All of the Bro’s instantly perked up at the mention of the famed porn stars.  
“You didn’t say anything about Hobbits my guy!” Bromer said, excitedly clapping Karanor on the back and sending him flying.  
“I didn’t go flying. It was more of a stumble” Karanor mumbled randomly to himself. “But yes, our friends are Hobbits” he explained to the group. You would’ve recognised them because they’re the only ones not gigantic and ripped”. Bromer looked around at his companions but everyone was shaking their heads.  
“Sorry man, we killed everyone”. Silence fell over the trio, before Bromer whistled and called out “Horsepower! Airhole! Throttle” Three bikes rumbled themselves over somehow.  
“What the fuck?” #Legless muttered.  
“Go check it out because it was dark and we were pretty high, but don’t get your hopes up. Shit gets pretty sad around here.” He re-helmeted and mounted his bike. “We ride forth!” The group of indeterminate number rode off, leaving them trio in a haze of dust with three motorbikes that nuzzled up to Karanor, Jimmy and #Legless.  
“Seriously” #Legless said, shifting away from the sentient bike. “What the fuck?”  
After finally convincing the ‘Grelf to mount up, they rode on and within twenty minutes found the site of the massacre. True to their word, the bikers had killed every methhead, before piling the bodies and burning them.  
“I mean, they could’ve just left them to decompose” #Legless said. “You know, feed the soil instead of burning it”. Karanor and Jimmy searched the area until they found two Annathalian coats in the fire.  
“It’s their coats” Jimmy whispered. #Legless filled the mournful silence with a prayer while Karanor roared towards the sky and kicked a rock on the ground, breaking his toe in the process but soldiering on.  
“Don’t lose hope” Karanor said, limping on his broken foot. “I spotted Hobbit tracks over there, leading away from the battle”. Jimmy and #Legless perked up immediately but the ‘Grelf turned to Karanor, confused.  
“If you saw the tracks, why did you kick and scream?”  
“An homage. But seriously lets follow the tracks”. Karanor leapt forward to the point the tracks started and began following them. Or at least his comrades assumed he did. Truth be told they couldn’t see anything and were almost certain he was making it all up. He skulked across the ground, muttering to himself until he stopped dead. “The tracks lead into DeForest”.  
“What evil drove them in there” Jimmy said, turning paler than normal.  
“I’d guess one of the methheads” #Legless said, staring into the ever-thinning forest. They all knew the dangers of the forest. Loggers, cattle farming, human enslavement, genocide. But their friends were in there and that meant they were going to follow. Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath, #Legless pulled out his phone and began making another post about the quest, emotionally talking about their progress and their plans before archiving it for later.  
“We ready?” Karanor asked and was answered by a couple of nodding heads. “OK. Let’s go”.


	29. Chapter 29

As much as Wham hated Boggle, he had to admit they made excellent progress with him in the lead. Within a day they’d left the Crazee Mazee and were heading towards Happyland at full steam ahead. It turned out the trick to escaping the Mazee was to follow the exit signs that were scattered about. The Hobbits cursed the pessimism that led them to believe those signs to be a trap. After the Mazee it seemed to be smooth sailing ahead, until Wham took a wrong step and found himself up to his neck in a partially full grave.  
“Fucking hell!” he screamed as his descent caused a half rotted skeleton to rocket out the ground. Dodo and Boggle, a few steps ahead, turned in time to see a body jump at them from out the ground and shrieked before cowering away. It took a few moments of nothing happening for everyone to regain a little sense and Dodo lunged forwards to drag Wham out the ground. “This motherfucker! Wham said, pointing a finger at Boggle, “led us into a goddamn graveyard!”  
“Not a graveyard” he hissed from the ground. “The Graves Yard”.  
“What’s the fucking difference!” Wham snapped, knowing that for the next lifetime he’d be dreaming of flying skeletons and being buried alive.  
“The Graves Yard is where armies fought long ago. Fought and died. And their friends started to bury them, digging graves and everything but they eventually got bored and gave up. So there are many empty graves just waiting to be filled by the living. And half empty greaves wanting company”. Wham’s eyes went wider with every word until he grabbed Dodo by the lapels of his coat and dragged him close until they were nose to nose.  
“I don’t fuck with dead bodies Dodo. What the fuck have you done? I was happy in the Mazee! Things were good there!”  
“We needed his help. It’s fine, we’ll just step where he steps and no one has to fuck with dead bodies”. Dodo’s calming voice had no effect on Wham but they carried on anyway, walking in single file and not stepping anywhere that wasn’t already tried and tested.  
“Don’t worry little Hobbits. I know a secret path through the Graves Yard. No one else knows about it but me. Everyone else goes around for miles” Boggle said.  
“If I knew that was a choice, I would’ve as well” Wham muttered, while Dodo gave him a look. So Wham gave him one back and that was that.  
For several days they walked carefully, avoiding as many graves as possible while trying to ignore the graves completely. It was an impossible line to walk but they tried their hardest. Sleep didn’t come easy for any of them but all for different reasons. Boggle mourned the Thing he’d lost and found but was forbidden from touching. Dodo was weary of the Thing, he could feel it getting more powerful, more alluring. And Wham just hated fucking sleeping next to dead bodies.  
One night Wham was the only one sleeping, albeit fitfully, while the other two watched him twitch and fidget.  
“He will never know what it’s like” Boggle said after hours of silence. Dodo jumped and guiltily stopped playing with his Thing, but Boggle knew.  
“What are you talking about?” the Hobbit asked of the scrawny creature. Boggle crept closer and stared directly at the Thing, and Dodo could see the obsessive longing in his eyes.  
“The fat Hobbit will never understand what it means to hold the Thing. He will never understand what you’ll go through”. Dodo could think of nothing to say except—  
“It’s not fat. It’s muscle. And if you call him fat to his face, he will literally tear you in two”. The creature shuffled away to sit in silence. “How long did you hold the Thing for?” he asked eventually.  
“Oh a long time I think. It was hard to keep track”.  
“I heard the stories. About the one who found the Thing. Someone called Deedle” Boggle flinched like he was being whipped again. “That was you wasn’t it?” Without a word Boggle, or Deedle as Dodo was now calling him in his head, curled up and went to sleep. At least he pretended to.  
The journey continued on in the same vein for several more days until Boggle announced they were almost out of the Yards.  
“Well thank fuck for that!” Wham exclaimed, happier than he’d been in a while.  
“You realise this means we’re closer to Happyland right?” Dodo pointed out.  
“Yeah I know but I imagine that as part of the rebranding campaign, Happyland got rid of all the graves and dead bodies that were casually strewn around”. The three were sitting around their camp, in the shadow of a cluster of boulders for protection from the cold wind blowing across the Yard.   
“There are no bodies but Happyland has other things you should worry about”, Boggle said menacingly.  
“Like what?” Boggle shrugged.  
“I guess you’ll have to find out”.  
“You are the worst tour guide ever”.  
“I’m not a tour guide!” Boggle snapped at Wham. “You took me hostage and threatened to kill me!”  
“Yeah I did but despite that you talk so much shit I honestly think you want to die”. Dodo interjected before things got out of hand.  
“Guys what’s that noise?” he asked, grabbing Wham’s arm so he couldn’t reach for his gun. It took a few moments for the bloodlust to fade and Wham perked up an ear.  
“It’s like…air. Screaming air”. Just then a massive sonic boom exploded overhead, throwing them all to the ground and huddling for cover against the rocks. They all looked up to see a TIE fighter flying above them and in it’s cockpit was one of the Entourage.  
“Rapists!” Boggle cried, terrified. “Rapists on wings!” Dodo gasped and gripped his gunshot wound, feeling the pain all over again. It was agony and yet despite that he found himself pulling out his Thing. Immediately Wham was there, pulling his hands away and holding Dodo close. Comforting him until it was all over. It took ten minutes for the TIE fighter to leave and search another area and for the entire time, Wham didn’t let go of Dodo’s hand. Or his ear. Because Dodo had a weird comfort thing about his ear.  
They were all glad to leave the Graves Yard the next day and it was a relatively short journey before they were crouched on top of a small cliff and locking at the Glory Hole, the entrance to Happyland. It was brightly coloured wall that stretched higher than they could see and right at the bottom was a single, gigantic hole. As the three watched and planned their entrance, a group of crackheads marched up to the glory hole and knocked twice. After a moment a large finger poked out of the hole and beckoned them inwards.  
“This is our chance! We have to get through the Glory Hole!”  
“I feel like I should’ve asked this before” Boggle said, “but why do you want to go to Happyland?”  
“What? We’re going to destroy the Thing! How do you not know this?” Wham asked in disbelief.  
“I’m not the type of person to involve myself in other people’s business!”  
“You tried to kill us to get the Thing!”  
“And yet I was never nosy! But that’s not the point. The point is if you want to destroy the Thing, walking through the front door of the home belonging to the one being who wants the Thing back more than anything else, is a stupid idea”.  
“No it’s no—” Dodo began but was interrupted by Wham.  
“Of course it’s a stupid idea but we have no other choice!”.  
“Yeah you do. Take the secret entrance”. The two Hobbits stared at Boggle for the longest moment while he stared back, impassively.  
“Why” Dodo asked, “didn’t you mention this secret entrance before?”  
“Because you didn’t ask”.  
“How do we even know he’s telling the truth?” Wham asked, throwing his hands in the air. “He wants the Thing back, he needs us dead to get it back. He leads us into a trap and takes the Thing back from your body”. Dodo looked from Wham to Boggle.  
“He makes a good point”. Boggle nodded, flaps of skin wobbling as he did.  
“He does and if I may rebut, regardless of anyone else’s intentions towards the Thing, going through the Glory Hole is suicide. You will definitely lose the Thing and your lives. Ergo it’s not a choice. However by taking your chances with the secret entrance, it could be a trap but now that you know that there is an entrance where the chances of dying is NOT 100% you kind of have to take it and see what happens”. Silence.  
“I hate how that made sense” Wham said and Boggle shrugged.  
“Before I got the Thing I used to be a lawyer”.  
“What, seriously?” Dodo asked, shocked.  
“Mhmm. I was partner at a law firm”. Neither Wham nor Dodo knew what to do with information and by the time they looked back up the Glory Hole had closed. They shared a quick and silent conversation with their eyes. They had done this before but those conversations were mostly about who was getting close to nutting.  
“OK” Dodo finally said. “We’ll take the secret entrance. Lead the way”.


	30. Chapter 30

Sally and Terry ran as hard as they could. Fortunately they were both in great shape but even the fittest of porn stars have limits and it turns out, running through a forest at night, dodging diggers and indentured workers while being chased by a deranged methhead was pushing it for them. They stumbled over roots and under branches and around slaves begging for help as they tried to put some distance between them and the methhead.  
“Climb…trees” Terry said, exhausted. “Maybe, he’ll run by." Sally nodded and they both clambered up different trees until they could see all around them and there was no sign of their pursuer. They waited a moment just to be sure before breaking out into tired smiles. “I think…we escaped”. And in a moment so perfectly timed it was almost as if some unknown force was fucking with the Hobbits, that was when a thick, powerful hand wrapped around Terry’s ankle and started to pull.  
“You think you can deny me my protein?” the methhead screamed as it yanked hard on Terry’s whole body, shaking the tree in the process.  
“Terry!” Sally screamed, digging her fingers into the treebark as she watched, helpless.  
“MYFITNESSPAL DEMANDS DATA!” with a hard pull, the Hobbit went flying from the tree and landed, sprawled out on the ground. The leaves and moss had softened his fall but it still knocked the wind out of him. Coughing and spluttering he tried crawling backwards, unable to draw his eyes from the deranged, salivating methhead bearing down on him., far from the soft-spoken beings from earlier in their kidnapping.  
“Terry! Run!” Sally shrieked, but she knew on some level she was about to watch her friend die. Then she’d be next.  
“Excuse me? Can you stop that?” The soft voice didn’t register at first, so afraid she was, but eventually the words sunk in and Sally started looking around. There was no one here? Just two soon to be pre-workout snacks and a mad gym bro. “I’m right here sweetheart” Sally turned to stare at the tree, that was staring back at her.  
“What the fu—” Sally threw herself backwards, not even bothering to finish her sentence because no time for that, but even that wasn’t enough to get away. Out of nowhere, a giant tree limb caught her in midair and held her aloft.  
“And where do you think you’re going li’l miss diggin’ fingers?” the creature asked.  
“I..I..I wa-was w was” but Sally’s stuttering speech was ignore as movement caught the attention of…whatever the fuck this thing was. It looked, if sentient trees had eyes, at the methhead about to lay into the Hobbit and made a face, if sentient trees have faces, as if a nasty smell had just appeared, if sentient trees had noses and olfactory senses. The tree took one gigantic step forwards and kicked the methhead as hard as it could. Now you’d think that the methhead would’ve been sent into the air, flying almost comically across the land. But no. That fucker straight up exploded. Blood and gore everywhere, especially over Terry who’d been right at the bottom of the splash zone.  
“Eww, that’s nasty” the tree complained, examining itself to see if there was any blood on it. There was tons and the tree sighed.  
“Err, Sally?” Terry said. His voice broke her out of her trance and she started waving her hands.  
“Run Terry! Run!” The Hobbit on the ground tried to escape but hadn’t even managed to stand up before he too was capture in a tree limb.  
“You little things ain’t going nowhere. Sit tight now because I need to get cleaned up then I can go ahead an’ kill y’all.”  
“Why wouldn’t you just kill us and then get cleaned up?” Terry asked.  
“For fucks sake Terry! Don’t give the talking tree advice!”. That more than anything else seemed to offend it.  
“Tree? Who do y’all think y’all are callin’ a tree?” the tree asked, annoyed.  
“The bark-covered autotrope with roots, leaves, and the ability to photosynthesise?” Terry offered.  
“You ungrateful li’l bitches” the tree said.  
“Well if you’re not a tree then what are you?” Terry asked, while Sally was still trying to escape.  
“So it’s my job to educate you narrow minded people huh? I am an Ent.” The announcement was met with blank looks. “Tree herder? Shepherd of the Forest? None of this sound familiar? What do they teach y’all these days?”  
“I think I’ve heard that before” Sally hesitated, trying to think but it was hard with gnarled bark digging into her tits. “Can you loosen your grip so I can think?” The tree complied. “Terry, weren’t there tales about the old forest down the way from the Choir about trees that could talk and move?” Terry jerked back in his spot.  
“Oh shit yeah!” he looked at the Ent then back at Sally. “I always thought they were just so fucking high all the time.”  
“Me too, but maybe they were telling the truth.”  
The three of them took turns staring at each other for a few minutes before Terry asked, “so what happens now?” The Ent looked back at its root/feet and sighed again.  
“Well I need to clean myself up before anyone catches me looking like a hot mess but I guess you were right and I’ll kill y’all first”. Sally glared at Terry for a second.  
“But why do you need to kill us at all? You saved our lives from the methhead and now you can let us go right?” Terry nodded in agreement but sadly his opinion didn’t matter to the tree being.  
“I am a guardian of this forest and I cannot let little crackheads like yourselves go running around causing all sorts of crackhead nonsense”.  
“We’re not crackheads though. We’re Hobbits. Choirfolk. Pornstars!” The tree didn’t look convinced but Sally had managed to inject a little doubt into him.  
“I’ve never done heard of these words y’all are chittering about but I have been asleep for a long while now” said the tree.  
“Then boy do I have some bad news about your forest” Terry muttered to himself.  
“I’ll take y’all to see that wizard man. He’ll know what’s what. And also he’s got the best recipes for jam”. The Hobbits stared at each other, dread coursing through their bodies.  
“The wizard” Terry whispered.  
“Warion”. Sally replied.  
No matter how hard they tried to escape and how much they pleaded, the tree thing wasn’t having any of it.  
“Complain all you want, it’s gon’ happen. Make your peace with it.” Far too soon for their liking, the Hobbits were cast to the ground and they could sense the presence of someone watching them. Someone powerful. Terrified, they looked up, eye’s widening as they saw who was watching them.


	31. Chapter 31

The forest of DeForest was as dark as they’d expected. Both literally and metaphorically. The trio travelled through the forest avoiding everything that could cause them a problem. Except for the times they engaged in acts of industrial terrorism by blowing up every Amazon fulfilment centre they came across. They were heroes after all.  
The three rode through the woods, following the tracks that only Karanor could see, the other two just having to trust the man not to lead them to their deaths.  
“Blood on the leaves! Foot prints! A dropped butt plug! We’re going the right way!” Onwards they went, doing everything they could to save their frien—their acquain—Sally and Terry.  
“In all seriousness guys, the forest has a weird vibe to it. I feel like I’m being watched in the shower”. Jimmy said and Karanor missed the look and the wink that passed between the other two.  
“That’s because we are being watched” Karanor said, unaware of the sexual tension in his group. “The trees are watching us right now”.  
“Wait what now?” #Legless nodded in agreement.  
“This is kind of our fault. The Instagrelfs started it. Long ago. We had filters that made things look like they were alive. So we used them on everything. Not one object was spared. But over time we started to prefer trees. I mean some of them already looked alive, it was too good to pass up. So the Instagrelfs flocked to the DeForest, or the Forest as it was known back then, and we subjected every tree to every animation filter we could. All for the likes. But the magic of the filters was powerful back then and the trees began to wake. Moving without filters. Speaking without mics. Living without phones”. Jimmy stared at every tree he could, knowing they were all alive sent a shiver down his spine all the way to his taint.  
“Exactly, so everyone stay quiet and stay alert” Karanor said before revving the engine as hard as he could and shooting off into the distance. With a sigh the other two followed at a more subtle pace.  
“Do you think that’s how these bikes are sentient?” Jimmy asked. #Legless frowned and studied his bike.  
“Maybe. But giving sentience to non-sentient objects was expressly forbidden at DashCon. Which begs the question who’s behind it?”  
The pair followed Karanor, passing conspiracy theories back and forth as they journeyed.  
Time passed as it is wont to do but within the forest the light stayed more or less the same; good enough to see with but not good enough to record what you were seeing. #Legless was very put out.  
“I mean, this is just ridiculous! This isn’t just a hobby guys, this is my livelihood!”  
“And we appreciate the sacrifice of your art for the fate of the world” Karanor replied, tilting his head back and forth as if he could hear something. “#Legless, use your sonar filter. Find out if we’re alone”.  
“Oh now you want my help?” the ‘Grelf scoffed.  
“I mean technically he wants your phones help” Jimmy said, grinning. #Legless didn’t find it as funny as he loaded up the filter. After refusing to accept the cookies and then signing in, they waited.  
Ping  
Ping  
Ping

#Legless looked up in shock and immediately jumped off his bike, Karanor and Jimmy following suit instinctively. “We’ve got company” he whispered.  
“From where?” Jimmy asked, eyeing his surroundings. In response, #Legless pointed and everyone turned to face the threat.  
Ping  
Ping  
Ping Ping

“It’s getting closer! Battle plan! Group up, and hit it till it dies!” Jimmy and #Legless stared at each other before nodding enthusiastically. What could go wrong?  
Ping Ping  
Ping Ping  
Ping Ping Ping  
PINGPINGPINGPINGPING  
“Now!” Karanor roared, leaping out from behind his bike and charging forwards each hand holding a gun, leading the attack against the potential enemy, #Legless and Jimmy following suit each armed as best they could be. They sprinted forwards in the general direction of where the thing was coming from and were greeted by a terribly bright white light that burned their retinas terribly. The all collapsed to the ground, dropping weaponry in favour of shielding their eyes from the painful glare that had exploded out of nowhere. They scrambled around, trying and failing to recover their vision but it wasn’t possible until the light vanished.  
“Are we done with that stupidity now?” Their eyes may have been fucked but their hearing was now heightened and all recognised the voice of someone who shouldn’t have been there, but was there all the same.  
“Marion?” Jimmy asked, voice raw with emotion and pain. “Is that really you?”  
“Who the fuck else is it going to be?” Snapped the voice.  
“It could be anyone. We can’t see because of your industrial grade floodlights and why do you have those again?” Karanor demanded, furiously rubbing his eyes.  
“Amazon was right there and I wanted to make an entrance.” The sensory overload started to pass and slowly but surely the three hunters regained the sight to reveal the new and improved Marion. He was white from head to toe. White hair, white teeth, white clothes, white weapons, white boots.  
“You look like you’re working for the Klan.” #Legless said, squinting to see passed the psychadelic lines across his vision.  
“I died and came back to life twice but even in the afterlife, I couldn’t get away from the Nazis” Marion said.  
“Seriously?”  
“Yeah. I mean they were in hell, but you can hear them. Super weird.”  
“Wait what do you mean you died and came back to life twice?” Jimmy asked.  
“Well, after that piece of shit Terry made me fall in—”  
“I mean those were some pretty inappropriate lyrics” Jimmy pointed out.  
“—I thought I might as well do something useful and kill the fucker. So we chased each other around a bit down below before I killed him in a pretty cool way that I can’t go into right now. Then I died because injuries and was sent back to finish some shit. Except when they sent me back they forgot to send me back with the knowledge of how to walk, so I fell off the cliff I died on. Then they sent me back again, properly this time and one dope journey later, that I also cannot get into, here I am. And we don’t have time for more questions, we’ve got work to do.” By now all had recovered and were clustered around the Grand White Wizard as he spoke.  
“What do you mean?” #Legless asked, “We’re trying to save the Hobbits!”  
“Don’t worry about the Hobbits. They found an Ent and are now involved in some sort of guerilla warfare”.  
“Wait what?” Karanor looked lost and confused.  
“What’s wrong?” Jimmy asked the man. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so afraid?”  
“It’s just I…I mean I wasn’t…I didn’t think that would happen is all” Karanor finished rather lamely.  
“You and me both! So what do we need to do now Marion?” The wizard made eye contact with them all, which was impressive as he had two eyes and they had six, but such are the ways of White Wizards.  
“We need to get to Ed-Bro-Ras as soon as we can. There’s some weird catfishing shit going on and we need to stop it.”  
“Ed-Bro-Ras? That’s not a small journey” #Legless complained. “How are we even going to get there?” One of the sentient bikes revved its own engine and the ‘Grelf shuddered.  
“Quit your whining!” Marion snapped. “Who here died twice? Raise your hand!” Marion spent far too long searching for hands before acting surprised at his own hovering in the air. “Oh just me? Then shut up! I went there and back again to the afterlife, twice! Don’t talk to me about long journeys.”  
The wizard marched passed the others and began heading out of the forest, leaving the others no choice but to follow him.  
“Almost certain necromancy is a dark art” Jimmy mumbled to himself as he mounted his bike. The other two followed suit and they all flew passed Marion, splattering him in dirt and other shit from the forest floor.  
“Wait! Gimme a ride!” he cried out as they left him.  
“It’s fine! You’re used to long journeys remember?” Karanor called out.


	32. Chapter 32

The two Hobbits and Boggle made their way through what was actually a very pleasant countryside. Nice trees, soft grass, gurgling streams. All in all it was a wonderful place, made even better when you took into account the fact that it was right outside what used to be an apocalyptic wasteland. The trio marched on, sticking to the edges just in case those flying bastards came back and saw them. But apart from that there was no one around and they liked it that way. Boggle especially seemed to enjoy the change of scenery as he cannonballed into the river and began swimming downstream.  
“Oi! Don’t go too far you little wankstain!” Wham shouted after him.  
“Why do you do that? Call him names and put him down?” Dodo asked, half turning around.  
“Because Dodo. Because he’s a bitch”. The silence between the two Eskimo Brothers became strained.  
“You don’t know what it’s like. To constantly be thinking about it. To want it so bad. To dream about it. To crave it. To know you can’t have it but know your life would be amazing with it. You’ll never know.” Dodo’s voice was low, intense. But Wham wasn’t having it.  
“Oh boo fucking hoo. That’s what every monk feels like about sex. You’re not special. It’s called will power. Try it some time.”  
Later when they had camped at a lovely spot on a cliff overlooking a fairly delightful park, that would’ve been downright beautiful in the summertime, Boggle managed to improve the mood a little.  
“Look what I found” he said, rolling into the camp. “A couple of nice rabbits to eat. Makes a change from that drink you insist on using for every meal.” He tossed one to Dodo who had been napping until a dead animal was thrown at his face. “There were only two so you’ll have to do without” Boggle said to Wham. The Hobbit sighed, walking over and yanking the second rabbit from Boggle’s hands.  
“That’s not how this works” he said, before pulling out his knives and chopping the two rabbits into thirds. Two thirds were skinned and gutted before being dropped into a pot to make stew while the last third was thrown back to Boggle. The emaciated being looked at it in shock as if wondering why he’d been given any at all. “Socialist rules. Everyone gets a fair share.” Boggle suspiciously began gnawing at his rabbit while watching the Hobbits make their own meal. Wham flavoured it with various herbs he’d found along the way and Dodo managed to dig up some wild onions and potatoes to add to the food. Before long the two Hobbits were enjoying their first warm meal since Annathalia.  
After they were both sated, they dozed for a little in the warm sun before suddenly awakening as if someone had shouted in their ear. But there was no one there. Not even Boggle.  
“I told you he’d fuck us over at some point.” Wham said as they looked everywhere for him. A loud sound filled the air and the two Hobbits hit the ground faster that drunk white women slut dropping. They crept forwards trying to follow the sound until they came to the edge of the cliff and looked out below at a sight they’d never seen before.  
Monster trucks! Three gigantic monster trucks! Moving through the fields below surrounded by people as they all headed passed the cliff in the direction of the Glory Hole.   
“I never thought I’d see the day” Wham said, awestruck. “I didn’t think they existed. Thought they were rumours. They’ll never believe this back home.”  
“They’re just big cars Wham” Dodo said. “What’s the big deal?”  
“Fuck you Dodo! You didn’t see me shitting on you the time you saw that guy who looked like David Hasslehoff!”  
“David Hasselhoff is a goddamn national treasure!”  
“WHICH NATION DODO? BECAUSE IT’S SURE AS HELL NOT OURS!” The pair began to argue loudly and ferociously and in doing so they missed the attack on the enemy soldiers by hidden figures in the land and it wasn’t until they were physically pulled apart did they realise they were no longer alone. “THE KNIGHT RIDER REBOOT WAS WORSE THAN THE ORIGINAL AND THE ORIGINAL WAS A PILE OF DOGSH— who the hell are you guys?” Wham asked, the people who’d surrounded them.  
“What is wrong with you two?” the man who seemed to be in charge said with an incredulous look on his face.  
“Don’t change the topic!” Dodo snapped. “He asked you a question. Who are you?” The man looked between the two of them and smiled sadly.  
“Who am I? I am but a man caught between the powers of this world like a leaf is caught between two winds. Twisting and turning across the sky thinking it is in control of its own actions but not knowing it is merely the latest in a long list of innocent beings to be controlled by forces beyond its comprehension.” The two Hobbits looked at each other for a moment.  
“Do you know what he’s on about?” Dodo asked.  
“Not really, no” Wham replied. The man sighed.  
“My name is Barraleer, Captain of Londale and you’re both my prisoners. Understand now?”  
“Yes because you actually spoke like a normal human being.”  
“No one ever appreciates my poetry.”


	33. Chapter 33

“It’s super convenient that it was Marion who was the wizard” Sally said as they rode on top of Treemoustache while he sauntered through the forest.  
“I know right? Worked well for us but it’s kind of typical. It’s always the white man that gets a second chance.” Terry replied.  
“Don’ you go start talking about typical with me. You non-treefolk always get the good stuff while we barkers get burned” the Ent said.  
“I mean” Sally said, “we weren’t really talking to you. You just kind of chimed in. But we are sorry you barkers have been treated so unfairly.” The Ent went silent for a few moments.  
“I’m gon’ cut y’all some slack because you didn’t know we was real until five seconds ago, but you can’t say barkers. Only we can say that.”  
“Oh. Sorry about that. We’ll keep that in mind.”  
“You do that. So what are you guys gonna do now?” Sally and Terry looked at each other in confusion for a few seconds.  
“Er…I mean Marion told you to help us. To get the other Ents to wake up and strike out at Warion. And we can destroy some Amazon fulfilment centres while we’re at it.”  
“Marion said that last part?” Terry asked.  
“No but as nice as he is, he’s still a white man. I mean…you heard him in the caves right?” Terry nodded at Sally’s reminder. Yeah he was OK for an old white guy but he was still an old white guy.  
“OK yeah he did tell me that” Treemoustache admitted, “but y’all are grown ass Hobbits. Don’t really need me hangin’ around y’all right?” The Hobbits stayed silent for a moment.  
“Yeah we kinda do” Terry said. “We have no idea where we are or how to wake the Ents up or anything. Honestly I think you’ll be doing most of the work. We’ll just be sitting here.” The Ent sighed.  
Yeah bitch I know, why you think I don’t wanna do it?” The tree sulked all the way to the middle of the forest which was where the Ent lived. “Stay here and don’t be gettin’ all sticky-fingered around my stuff. The tree’s have eyes around here.”  
“Where are you going?” Terry asked, taking a seat on the ground, leaning back against a tree root as Sally joined him. Moments later the tree roots opened up and swallowed them both whole. Treemoustache stood there for twenty seconds before sighing deep. He ran his twig fingers through his leafy hair and swore.  
“This gon’ be my whole dam’ day isn’t it? Spit ‘em out” and within moments they’d been regurgitated, landing on the floor coughing and choking.  
“You took your time!” Sally wheezed.  
“I think what you mean to say is ‘Thanks’” Treemoustache clapped back. Sally first focused on being able to breathe properly before talking again.  
“You’re right. Thank you for saving us”.  
“That’s more like it. Well you might as well come along then. Might die if you don’t”. Treemoustache picked them back up again and put them back on top.  
“So how do we wake up the Ents?” Terry asked once he was firmly lodged between various branches and in no danger of falling.  
“How the fuck do I know?” The Ent replied.  
“Because you’re an Ent?”  
“So? Do you know everything about Hobbits?” Terry looked at Sally and nodded.  
“That’s a fair point. But do you have any ideas?”  
“A couple.” And that was that. The Hobbits decided to stay quiet and see what happened next.  
The answer was, not a lot. Treemoustache walked to the highest peak within the forest and stood there for a good ten minutes in silence. Eventually one of the Hobbits grew bored enough to ask what they were doing.  
“I’m contacting the other Ents.”  
“How?”  
“Pheromones.” The Hobbits looked at each other in confusion.  
“If you need to wake them up using pheromones, then how did you expect us to wake them up without you?”  
“I di’n’t expect y’all to.”  
“But earlier” Terry said, “you said you didn’t know how to wake them up?”  
“An’ I was lyin’. I don’ see what the confusion is.” The Hobbits shared another look then stopped talking altogether. This tree was turning out to be an asshole and they were starting to support Amazon tearing the forest down. But then they remembered the natives and felt bad. “OK it’s done. Sent out all my sap, let’s see who turns up.”  
“What now?” Sally asked.  
“Now we head on over to the Moot Point. It’s where we hang out.” The tree turned and began striding through the forest, taking care to brush against every branch they could. Soon Sally and Terry were covered with leaves and sap, something they were somewhat familiar with as, sooner or later, everyone does an outdoor shoot. Terry sat there, wondering where his friends were and what would happen to them now. Sally was hoping Dodo and Wham were safe and that she’d have the chance to burn this tree down before it got them both killed.


	34. Chapter 34

The four of them rode across the lands on their bikes, tearing across the plains like rebels and were subject to two Anti-Social Behaviour Orders for revving their bikes after midnight. Karanor, #Legless, and Jimmy were laughing to each other about Marion being left back there when he roared ahead of them, having found his old ride. It too was white but they had to admit it looked fancy as fuck. It took four days to reach Ed-Bro-Ras and just as they were about to ride through the gates, the city flag tore itself free from the flagpole and blew away across the land.  
“Oh that was great foreshadowing” Karanor said as they parked up.  
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jimmy said, paying the steep parking fee demanded by the Ed-Bro-Ras city council.  
“Nothing, nothing at all” Karanor replied smugly, happy to once again be in the know despite the fact that it wouldn’t last long. “Wait what? How long?” he demanded pointlessly.  
“What are you saying?” #Legless asked the man who was spinning around in circles looking at the sky. With a sigh Karanor shook his head and followed the rest of them through the city. They walked passed closed butchers and out-of-business bakers. Small repairs shops that were boarded up as well as grocers which would never open again. Then they passed a Amazon outlet store that did everything and was crazy with customers. The entire city was poor and hungry but they could always afford their local Amazon.  
“The evil has spread here as well” Jimmy said. “The taint of our enemy grows stronger”.  
“Then get your face out of their taint” #Legless replied. And into mine he mouthed. The four approached the hall where the King of Brohan resided but before they ascended the golden escalator to the doors, Marion pulled them all aside.  
“Listen to me, all of you. There is some fucked up bullshit going on here. We’ll need to be careful. Subtle. So don’t do anything stupid and follow my lead.”  
“You’re giving us contradictory instructions Marion” Jimmy said. “Do we follow your lead or not do anything stupid?” Marion ignored the comment and ascended on the escalator to the doors where they were met by the security.  
“We cannot allow you before the King so heavily armed. You must surrender your weapons here. You’ll receive a receipt. On your way out please provide the receipt and photographic ID to reclaim your weaponry. If you cannot provide the receipt or photographic ID you will be unable to reclaim your items and they’ll be auctioned off. Please use the bins provided to deposit your weaponry before stepping through the metal detectors.” Marion was speechless. Karanor too. Neither of them had expected this.  
“The last time I was here, King Broden had his nephew shoot a beer bottle off of his head!” Marion snapped.  
“We’re under new management” was all the guard said. Annoyed, the four of them deposited their weapons, with #Legless almost killing the man when he insisted his phone must also be deposited.  
“This is fucking bullshit! Why don’t they have to give their phones! This is racial stereotyping!” #Legless said while recording the clip for later.  
“Dammit we don’t have time for this! Give him the phone!” Marion barked. Once they were through the metal detectors and had all been “randomly selected” for a strip search, they were allowed to enter the hall of the King, with one or two of them walking a little more tenderly than usual.  
The hall was dark and musty, with all the curtains drawn and windows closed. It was unfortunate as with so many unwashed white men in the room and several areas with free weights scattered around, ventilation would have been a great idea.  
“There is little welcome to be found in your hall King Broden!” Marion called out to the hunched figure at the opposite end of the hall. A reply came, not from the King but from a skulking figure who stepped out from behind the throne.  
“Why should you be welcome here Marion?” he said in a snivelling voice that carried the length of the room through shear spite alone.  
“Who are you?”  
“I am Grima Wormtongue, adviser to the King!” Marion stopped dead upon hearing the name, his body tensing up while his face became darker, angrier.  
“Grima Wormtongue? GRIMA WORMTONGUE!” All of a sudden the wizard completely lost his shit and began screaming and shouting, flinging dumbells around the hall. “YOU COULDN’T EVEN BE BOTHER TO CHANGE THE NAME HUH? IS THAT WHERE WE’RE AT? IS THAT THE KIND OF HALF-COCKED PRODUCTION I’M IN WHERE YOU COULDN’T BE FUCKED CHANGING HIS NAME? YOU BRING ME TO LIFE IN THIS BULLSHIT UNIVERSE WITH NO BASIC CONTINUITY, YOU GRANT ME KNOWLEDGE OF EXACTLY WHAT I AM AND WHAT I’M DOING AND THEN YOU GO AND PULL THIS SHIT ON ME AND YOU DON’T CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME?” As Marion ranted, the Brohans, angered he was destroying their workout sanctum, slowly walked towards him as moving any faster would’ve counted as cardio. Karanor, #Legless and Jimmy jumped into action, running circles around their enemy and beating the shit out of them.  
“Stop them!” Grima cried out in his weak voice. “Stop them at once!” Marion kept walking forwards as he ranted and raved about various nonsensical things. The phrase “FUCK YOUR FOURTH WALL” was mentioned once or twice but when Marion realised the stress was giving him terrible hemorrhoids he calmed down extremely quickly. By then Jimmy had tackled Grima to stop him from escaping and Karanor had his arms wrapped around some blond woman who struggled to escape for a few moments before looking up at Karanor.  
“I feel so connected with you. Like I’ve known you my whole life.” Karanor told her to stop talking and watch as Marion walked up to the King. He was a shrivelled husk of a man, sitting hunched over on his throne. His robe was several sizes too big and it was covered with stains.  
“Are you here to save me Marion? To save King Broden? You’re too late old man! He belongs to me. Brohan belongs to me!” The voice coming from his mouth didn’t seem to match up with his lips. Almost like a poorly dubbed film.  
“I’m giving you one chance Warion. Release him and walk away.” The King laughed out loud at the offer.  
“I think not Mari—”  
“KARATE!” Marion’s battle cry echoed throughout the hall as the wizard lunged forward and punched him in the head with brass knuckles.  
“What the shit Marion!” Karanor cried out, releasing the woman in shock. She lingered around for a moment before reluctantly checking on the King. “What happened to subtle?”  
“Fuck subtle! From now on problems get on of these to the face!” Marion said, tossing the weapon at #Legless.  
“Why do you have brass knuckles engraved with crucifixes?” the Grelf asked. Karanor turned pale.  
“Are there vampires in this world?” the man asked, struggling to find something to make a stake with.  
“Who the fuck knows at this point” Marion replied. “But I’m not taking any chances.”  
“Good point. We need holy water, garlic, stakes, silver.”  
“Isn’t that for werewolves?”  
“Oh shit. Are there werewolves here?” While Karanor and Marion went down an utterly pointless tangent, King Broden had regained his former swoleness and stood there, in a robe that was suddenly a little too tight, basking in the adoration of his people. He ordered the doors and windows be opened, and Grima and his cronies to be banished from Brohan. Leg day would return and a healthy balance of weights and cardio to ensure healthier, happier subjects. He also learned that his son was dead, his nephew exiled, his lands were under attack and his entire army AWOL. So it was an emotional return to sanity and while he broke down in tears, Marion and Karanor were making plans to fight Dracula.


	35. Chapter 35

Wham and Dodo were blindfolded so they couldn’t see where they were being taken. Then a hood was placed over their heads after their ears and noses were stuffed with rags to stop them hearing and smelling anything. Finally they were strapped onto a gyroscope mounted inside a ball to stop them from having any sense of direction while they were transported. They were on the move for several hours before they were unloaded from the gyroball and dropped to the ground before their senses were returned to them. The sudden rush of oxygen was almost orgasmic but in time they calmed down and once again became aware of their surroundings.  
They were in a cave behind a waterfall which was not as wet as they would’ve thought. Surrounded by tall men and women from Captain Barraleers unit, the Hobbits were studied from every angle.  
“You still haven’t told us why you took us prisoner” Dodo said and Barraleer sighed deeply.  
“Ah how cruel fate can be. That one man can be captured so rudely through no fault of his own and subject to the humiliation of imprisonment and interrogation yet that same fate would rob the capturer of their own mercy by forcing their hand and demanding they take into custody all suspicious folk they come across for no other reason than happenstance.” The two Hobbits stared at him for a moment longer before turning to each other.  
“There wasn’t an answer in there was there?” Dodo asked.  
“Nope” Wham confirmed. “He was just verbally sucking himself off and telling himself he’s not such a bad guy.”  
“Yeah that’s what I figured.” Barraleer once again lamented his unappreciated lyrical genius. Would someone ever understand him? He thought not.  
“You were travelling through land where the only people there are enemies.” The captain said.  
“Well by that logic you should arrest yourself because you were travelling through that same land.” Wham retorted.  
“Ah but we weren’t travelling through it. We were travelling to it. To capture those who were travelling through it.”  
“And what is the range of this land where only enemies travel through?” With an extravagant flourish, Barraleer produced a map which had outlined each area of Londale and then pointed to one highlighted in red with a note that said “arrest all who travel through here”. After studying the map intently Wham sat back and smiled. “Well I hate to correct you but you were wrong to take us prisoner because we weren’t travelling through that land. We too were travelling to it. On a camping trip to see monster trucks.” Barraleer froze.  
“What are you talking about?” he said after a few moments stunned silence. “You said you were travelling through it.”  
“I think you’ll find we didn’t. If you look back a few pages, you’ll see we said no such thing.” Barraleers obvious confusion only increased.  
“’Look back a few pages’? What are you talking about?”  
“It’s a turn of phrase where we’re from.” Dodo clarified. “Basically it means to remember.”  
“Exactly!” Wham grinned. “And if you think back and remember, you’ll find there was no mention of travelling through that land.” Almost triumphantly Wham sat back, his hands and legs still bound by rope and good quality knots, and watched while Barraleer conferred with his team before stomping off, aggravated and annoyed.  
It wasn’t until much later that Barraleer returned. The sun had set and the moonlight through the waterfall filled the cave with a shimmering glow. When the Captain woke Dodo up, the Hobbit’s first thought was that it was so beautiful. Then he focused on Barraleers face and was struck by how low the bar was for men. Not that he was unattractive but that he had to do so little to be regarded as attractive, that a woman who put the same level of effort in would be regarded as ‘homely’. Fucking patriarchy.  
“Why are you waking me up?” Dodo asked. The Captain wouldn’t say, only gestured that Dodo follow him, which he did. As they crept out of the caves and onto a shallow ledge with a long drop, Dodo began to wonder what would happen if he just pushed the man off and let him die.  
“Look down there” he whispered, ending his dreams of murder just before they were able to become a reality. Dodo peered over the edge and saw Boggle diving into the pool at the bottom of the waterfall. He swam around naked before catching and eating a raw fish. He looked so happy.  
“To enter the forbidden pool bears the penalty of death” the captain whispered. Dodo was horrified.  
“Let me get this straight. Jumping into one of the most beautiful pools I’ve ever seen is enough to get you killed?” Barraleer nodded. “And you guys came up with this rule by yourself huh? Didn’t think to put up a sign or anything for hot and weary travellers to read before you go around and kill them? And what about your team? Would they die if they went into the pool?”  
“No.”  
“Of course they wouldn’t. Because they’re worthy aren’t they? They’re chosen. They’re special. They’re superior.” Barraleer threw up his hands, horrified.  
“No it’s not like that at all! I swear that’s not how it is!”  
“Oh yeah? Go fuck yourself!” And Dodo planted a boot right in Barraleers chest that sent him right down to the pool to join Boggle, who at that very moment had swum right under the spot where the Captain dropped giving him a fear of things falling on him that would last the rest of his life. Barraleer ended up using Boggle as a crumple zone before hauling him out of the forbidden pool and dragging him back up to the cave for interrogation. Dodo had been restrained by the Captains team and thrown back where Wham had been forced out of the way.  
“Dodo!” he cried out, rushing forwards when his friend appeared. “Are you OK? What happened?” Dodo recounted the whole story and sat back as Wham became irate. “That motherfucker! We need to get out of here. Use the Thing. Turn it on and slip away.”  
“How the hell would I do that?” Dodo asked, genuinely curious.  
“Are you telling me that thing doesn’t have an incognito mode? I’ve never known a man in power to browse openly ya know?” Wham had a point and Dodo took the Thing out of his pocket to examine it when Barraleer ran into the room. The first thing he saw was the Thing and his eyes glowed the way everyones did when they saw everything they wanted.  
“Who’s the waste of semen now dad?” he said to himself. “Who’s the one who should’ve been swallowed?” Dodo hurriedly put the Thing away but there was no point. Even Barraleer said so. “There’s no point Dodo. That Thing and all three of you are coming with me to and I will present it to my father.” His dreams of patrial love were dashed by the running footsteps of his lieutenant.  
“Captain Barraleer! Hoesgilliath burns!”  
“Then send them some antibiotics and condoms.”  
“No sire! The city is literally on fire! It’s under attack!” Barraleer made eye contact with Dodo who wore the saddest expression on his face.  
“This Thing won’t save your people Captain. It’ll doom them. Please let us go.” No one spoke for several seconds.  
“We ride for Hoesgilliath. Stick them back in the gyroballs. They’re coming with us.”


	36. Chapter 36

Sally had never seen so much walking wood in one place that wasn’t there to bang her. Treemoustache had gathered all the remaining Ents of the forest and brought them to the very centre of the woods. Birch, Chestnut, Oak, Willow, Pine and a few more she couldn’t name; getting railed in the woods didn’t make her an arborist. She and Terry sat on the sidelines while the tree’s talked each other to death. They just went on and on…and…on. They wouldn’t even stop to breathe because of those damn leaves!  
“Did y’all hear ‘bout Branchy?” one of them asked.  
“Oh Lord did we ever!” another replied.  
“We may have lost the Ent wives but he sure did find the Ent hoes!” They all shared a laugh over that.  
“Excuse me!” Terry interrupted, standing on a log and waving his hands when everyone except Treemoustache had trouble finding the source of the voice. “When are you going to get to deciding about what to do about the war?”  
“War?” Oak exclaimed. “What war?” The other trees mimicked his shock and confusion and Treemoustache sighed in exhaustion.  
“First of all lil’ nosey Hobbit, we still saying hello”.  
“But it’s night already!”  
“So? We can say hello anytime. Ya’ll must be from some rude place. Only sayin’ hey when it’s light out. Second, you can’t just talk to these trees about war. You gotta ease ‘em into it, goddamn!” Treemoustache turned to placate the Ents who were panicking, repeatedly saying there wasn’t a war. About ten hours later he told them about the war.  
“This is ridiculous” Terry said. “What are we supposed to do while they’re chatting about which tree pollinated which. It doesn’t matter!” Sally tried to agree but after paying attention for so long, she’d begun to get invested.  
“I dunno T. I mean even after Oakly chose to give up medical school to stay with Acorna, she still got pollinated by Aspern. Twice! Oakly never found out but that’s because he’s secretly pining after Acorna’s brother.” Terry just stared at Sally until she sighed and turned away from the constant gossipping. “OK fine maybe it is pointless but what else can we do? Genuinely, what can we do?” Terry sighed and sat down, dejected.  
“Not much. I just feel so helpless. Wham and Dodo are risking their lives to destroy the Thing. I’m sure Kanalor, #Legs and Johnny are doing something as well. I just want to help them.” Sally put an arm around his shoulders and hugged her friend. They’d known each other since they were babies. Played together, ate together, schooled together. Sally was the first person he told when he learned his dick wouldn’t reach full Hobbit potential. She was the one he first spoke to about his business ideas and TED talks. And conversely he was her confidante above all others. They were like siblings.  
“I want to help them as well T, but we are a little out of our depth.”  
“Yeah you really are” Treemoustache said, butting into the conversation. “And the council of Ents made a decision. Ain’t no way we helping y’all in this nonsense. This is not tree business. This is a y’all problem, not a we’ll problem.” The Hobbits were dejected, heartbroken.  
“How can you say that?” Terry asked.  
“Honestly I’m not too sure. I mean wi’out lungs and a voice box I really don’t know how we say anything but it’s all good. Y’all be safe now.” Treemoustache turned to walk away but the Hobbits called him back.  
“Wait! Please! It’ll take us forever to get out of the forest. Can you give us a ride?” If a tree could look offended, this one would.  
“The nerve of y’all lil hoodrats. I am not an Uber Tree!”  
“No but Marion told you to help us” Sally pointed out. “The least you could do is help us leave.” The tree sighed for several minutes, courtesy of no lungs and infinite oxygen supply.  
“Fine! Let’s go!” The tree plucked the two of them from the ground with no warning and dropped them on his head before walking away. “I’ll be right back guy’s just gonna take these bitches to the topside.”  
“Topside? Does that mean the North?” Terry asked.  
“Yeah, you gotta problem with that?”  
“Actually can we go South? It’ll be easier for us.” The tree stopped talking and sighed again for several minutes.  
“Fine. I don’t mind going South. Let’s go.” 


	37. Chapter 37

The convoy from Ed-Bro-Ras stretched out for miles. There were farmers and bakers and mechanics dragging along all their worldly possessions as well as their families who wanted to stay in the city because they believed the impending attack was fake news.  
“Evil has taken a hold of this city” Jimmy said when news of people who didn’t believe in the attack reached his ears. “What has the world come to when white men can turn up with outlandish and unbelievable news and not be immediately taken at their word?”  
Despite Marion’s constant nagging that they should stand and fight, Broden decided to evacuate the city to the sacred defensive fortress of Chad’s Place. Built by the Brohans of old, it had withstood countless attacks and paternity suits. Chad’s Place was the ultimate prophylactic and when in doubt, the Brohans always used protection. Upon hearing this, Marion jumped on his bike and left, swearing vengeance on those who betrayed him.  
“Is it just me” #Legless said, “or does he behave a lot like a villain.” Jimmy agreed.  
There were few soldiers with the group so Karanor, #Legless, and Jimmy joined the small number of warriors and guarded the group from any potential attack. So long as the sun was up they would patrol up and down the column and despite being tasked with the protection of the people, they would get dragged into other matters. #Legless was asked to decide who was the better breakdancer between two elderly men who broke their bones while competing. Jimmy was forced to help set up a womans ecommerce system for her Etsy site, which he called racial profiling. Karanor was brought into a child custody case.  
“You are…NOT the father!” Karanor said, tearing open the envelope and reading the results. The woman started crying, the man started dancing and Karanor rode away before things got even weirder. They took a break at lunch and despite his best efforts to avoid her, Browyn turned up just as they sat down.  
“Hi Karanor!” #Legless and Jimmy sighed before taking their disappointing food elsewhere while Karanor stared at them evilly for abandoning him.  
“Hi…Browyn” he said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Which wasn’t much. She hovered around them, staring at him without blinking until he kept talking. “How are you?”  
“I’m doing great thanks! This is such a beautiful walk we’re on. It’s so romantic!”  
“We’re evacuating to avoid being wiped out” Karanor pointed out but Browyn didn’t seem to hear.  
“So beautiful and lovely!” Karanor frowned and turned to see if her view was different to his view of three grown men shitting in a hole. “I’m just so glad we’re getting to know each other. I feel like we’re ready to take our relationship to the next stage!” The alarm bells that had been ringing in his head since Karanor had met Browyn started shrieking as loud as they could.  
“The next stage would be knowing each others surnames!” Browyn laughed girlishly.  
“Oh you don’t need to know my surname. I won’t have it for very long.” It took Karanor three seconds to understand her comment and by then it was too late to run away. “I heard something weird about you. They said you rode with my grandfather but that would make you super old and nasty. But you seem so young and tasty.” Karanor couldn’t decide if that was sexual or cannibalistic or both with this person. But either way it seemed a compliment.  
“Thanks I guess. And time is kind of undefined around here so it’s hard to say who did what when.” After that unsatisfying answer Browyn pulled out an inedible stew and forced Karanor to eat every bite. After which he had to force himself to throw up twice to avoid a fatal bout of dysentery and salmonella.  
The next day as they were travelling around a lake and down a field, the cry went up that they were under attack. Panic shot through every traveller who began running in every direction, even towards the attackers. They would forever be remembered as the first wave. What soldiers remained gathered under the command of Broden, charged forwards while Browyn led the evacuees away. “My boyfriend is taking part in the attack. We’re so in love I just know he’ll be back.” Hearing this Karanor rode out front in what could only be described as a suicide charge but no matter how hard he tried, he wouldn’t die here. The soldiers crested the hill on their bikes and looked down on the incoming group of eScooter riders, where the “e” stood for evil.  
The eSccooters wove in and out of each other in a dance of death, their guns mounted on their handles while they sat on crudely built seats by themselves. They wore body armour from head to toe to protect them from their enemies and tiny stones that might come up from the ground. The malicious intent radiated off of their recycled chassis while their battery-powered motors made them silent but deadly. They weren’t great over long distances but the optics were invaluable.  
“Charge!” Broden called out, drawing his gun and firing. His soldiers followed suit and several of the eScooter riders fell to the ground but their eScooters carried on by themselves. Twisting and turning, ramming soldiers off of their bikes.  
“Fucking hell! Not again!” #Legless screamed when a sentient eScooter chased him down. The eScooter riders fired their own volley just before the two sides collided. Gunshots echoed through the air as well as the clash of steel when those who ran out of bullets drew their swords. Jimmy and #Legless engaged in a friendly competition over who could kill the most enemy soldiers with the winner getting to be on top tonight.  
“That kill was mine!” Jimmy shouted. #Legless happily agreed as Jimmy had thick, strong legs which felt amazing when he really got going. Broden led his ragtag group of retired soldiers and bodyguards while Karanor was everywhere doing a lot of nothing. Shouting orders, pretending to attack but mostly just staying out of the way. Which is why it was ironic when an eScooter charged directly into him, knocking him to the ground before another hit him, dragging him across the land. He tried to fight but mostly he was just screaming in pain.  
“This really hurts!” he shouted out as friction burns began to cover most of his lower body.  
“Good!” Snarled the skinny, waifish rider. Karanor kept trying to untangle himself but as the rider would later tell #Legless and Jimmy, it seemed like he was actually entangling himself further. The rider, confused, decided to bail out and watched as Karanor went over the edge of a cliff that happened to be near by. Which was also weird as the eScooter hadn’t been heading towards the cliff at all. eScooter riders were not the strongest of enemy soldiers because of the weight limit of the eScooters themselves. They were frail and often emaciated in order to get the greatest speed whilst riding. As such, when the rider jumped off he broke most of his bones and survived long enough to describe how the crazy man was smiling as he went over the cliff.  
As they killed the rest of the riders, Jimmy and #Legless mourned the loss of their friend before stopping the recording and laughing about how he probably got himself killed to avoid Browyn. They played a game of chance to see who got to tell her that Karanor was dead and Jimmy won.  
He gloated all the way to Chad’s Place.


	38. Chapter 38

Hoesgilliath was once the jewel of Londale. It was renowned across the land for it’s tolerance and dedication to the lives of its denizens. There was plentiful food clean water, courtesy of the river that bisected the city. It would feed the farmlands and wells ensuring an ever-growing populace was never lacking for sustenance. It would also feed the proclivities of those who wandered into its limits, as Hoesgilliath was the only city to have ever grown out of a red light district. What was once a site so shameful that it had to be at least one mile from the gates of Sinusan Spirits, was now a liberal oasis where everything was catered for so long as it was consensual.  
Dodo and Wham had long desired to travel there, but not like this. They were once again in the gyroballs as they were dragged by the soldiers who’d captured them. They assumed Boggle was also in one but couldn’t be certain. After an unknown amount of time, the balls were opened and they were pulled from them and allowed to see, hear and smell once again.  
The reports were right. Hoesgilliath burned.  
The buildings that had once been so white they shimmered in the moonlight, were now broken and stained with smoke and soot. Streets that had flowed with milk, honey and bodily fluids now reeked of death, shit and bodily fluids. But the bad ones this time. There were bodies scattered about and soldiers ran around, trying to avoid being hit by snipers and stepping in something at the same time. Despite the horrific background, it looked pretty funny.  
“Make sure you do exactly as we say” Barraleer said as they Gangnam styled their way to cover. “Even the smallest misstep can lead to death here.”  
“The Thing can’t save this city Barraleer” Dodo said, begging him to believe. “It’ll just make you see weird shit and you’ll have syphilitic symptoms for three days.”  
“It can and will save this city, and if you think we have forgotten the ways of antibiotics then you’re sorely mistaken!” The Captain snapped. He ignored their further pleas and they combat danced their way to the army headquarters within the city. The Hobbits were shunted to the side as the officers gave their Captain an update on the city. There was a giant map on the wall which they would point to as they relayed enemy troop movements. The map was of the whole city and was labelled accordingly which was very convenient and helpful for those who’d never been in the city before.  
“The crackheads have taken the Spank Bank” One officer began, pointing to the far side of the city. “They moved under cover of darkness and overwhelmed us with sheer numbers. We were spread too thin and had to retreat across the Jeff and Beau Bridges. Our engineers weren’t able to sabotage them in time before we had to retreat so we have no way of collapsing them, and now they’re under constant guard so we can’t complete the job we started.”  
“They’ve also began a near constant aerial barrage” a second officer added. “They’ve set up catapults in Maidenhead Alley, Little Annathalia, and the food district. They shift targets every hour but we’ve taken terrible damage in the Server sector, BDSM Broadway, and Kiddytown. The water park is somehow on fire.”  
“Er…Kiddytown?” Wham asked, slightly nauseated.  
“Sexual freedom isn’t just for people without children. Kiddytown is a huge place where you can leave your kids with qualified, trained childcare experts and be assured that their every need is taken care of while you go do the same!” Wham looked, confused, at the tour guide who was for some reason, part of this security team.  
“In terms of numbers the story isn’t good” a third officer said, standing up and moving on. Despite the fact that Dodo knew they were different people, all the officers looked, sounded, and acted the same; so much for diversity. “By chance they managed to take out our barracks in the first barrage. We lost hundreds of soldiers. Since then we’ve been trying to cover everything but we’re failing. The reinforcements you brought will help but we need more people from Londale however your father is ghosting us.”  
“Damn him!” Barraleer snapped. “He wants me to fail just so he can be right about my limited potential.”  
“That’s great but unfortunately Daddy Issue Plaza was destroyed as well so please get us more people!” Barraleer sighed.   
“I’ll handle it. I brought my father a mighty gift. Something that will definitely put a smile on his face.”  
“What? A big dick to stuff up his ass?” Quiet laughter from everyone assembled.  
“Two Hobbits.” Everyone turned to the two in the corner, Boggle going unnoticed.  
“Shit. I mean I was joking about the big dick but you got the famous Dodo and Wham Bam right there. Good job!” Everyone took turns congratulating Barraleer which made everything a hundred times weirder than it already was. Dodo made eye contact with Barraleer and smirked, his message instantly received if the way he jumped up was any indication.  
“Enough! This is not OK people! First of all, I did not kidnap these Hobbits to serve as sex slaves and the fact that everyone was OK with that is seriously making me rethink having you all in such powerful positions!” Dodo and Wham looked at each other before rolling their eyes. Typical white noise. “Second, it is not the Hobbits themselves but what they carry. And by THAT, I do not mean their dicks! They carry the Thing.” Gasps all around the room as everyone turned back to them, this time with fear and awe in their eyes instead of lust and jealousy.  
“You brought the Thing to Londale? With its mighty power Hoesgilliath will defeat our enemy!” Rousing cheers filled the room before fresh screaming from outside cut through it all. The enemy was attacking!  
Everyone rushed out and immediately ran to their battle stations to prepare their defence. Barraleer, who had trained a highly competent but extremely problematic team, wasn’t needed so ran to find a good vantage point from which to watch the battle, followed by Dodo, Wham, and Boggle,who stayed close to stop themselves from getting trafficked by the Whites. The scene they saw was awful.  
Fresh smoke billowed from the several new fires that had started from the latest bombardment while the smell of burnt rubber filled the air.  
“Those bastards hit the sex toy district!” Barraleer shouted out. “So many small businesses lost! Oh God the economy!”  
“And the people who are dying?” Wham reminded him.  
“Yeah them too!”  
“Wow you really are an asshole.”  
“Barraleer!” a voice shouted out. His lieutenant appeared at the bottom of the stairs, blood trickling from a cut right next to his Hitler moustache. “They’re making another push across the Bridges!”  
“Which one?” Barraleer replied.  
“Both! The Jeff and Beau Bridges are both combat zones! Jeff is the worst hit!”  
“I’ll take Jeff and you take Beau. We’ll double team them. Form a thick spear of soldiers and shove the shaft right down Beau’s throat!”  
“Yessir!” The lieutenant ran off and Barraleer turned to his prisoners.  
“You need to stay out the way. Things will get dangerous and if legend is true, evil is attracted to the Thing.”  
“That isn’t legend. It’s fact and those bastards have a hard on for this Thing” Dodo pointed out, recalling all the shit that had befallen him and only him during this journey of indeterminate length.  
“OK then it’s even more important for you to stay out of the way. Stay low and quiet. And whatever you do don-” an incoming barrage took out the platform they were on dropping them all to the ground as they attack on Hoesgilliath intensified.


	39. Chapter 39

The two Hobbits rode the tree as it walked towards the southern edge of the DeForest. It chattered inane nonsense which they tuned out fairly quickly into the walk, choosing to focus on each other and their own issues.  
“What are we going to do?” Sally whispered. “You said take us south and now we’re heading straight to Shisenbard. Do I need to info-dump why that’s a bad idea? All the shit Warion has pulled?”  
“No thanks” Terry replied. “I remember. No need to recap it all again.”  
“Actually I dunno any of it so I’d ‘ppreciate a summary” Treemoustache interrupted. Terry sighed but Sally jumped on the chance.  
“Gladly! He betrayed Marion to Olion and tried to hold him captive and would’ve succeeded if Marion hadn’t escaped in a hitherto un-addressed series of events. He bred the methheads that killed Forromeer and that kidnapped us! He’s trying to bring Olion back and has his own personal army, the base of whom, we are heading towards!”  
“I mean sure anything sounds bad when you say it like that!” Terry said.  
“I dunno. I think that’d sound pretty stupid no matter how you said it” the tree interjected. They walked further on in silence, the trees massive strides eating up the distance. “Personally I think ya’ll are cracked, gettin’ involved with other peoples problems. Should be more like the Ents. They don’ fuck with us, we don’ fuck with th—” the tree stopped abruptly as it realised that it had just stepped into a large swathe of the forest that had been brutally, and recently, cut down. Tree stumps stretched out as far as the eye could see, leading up to Shisenbard and the tower of Ornothanks.  
“He fucked with us…” Treemoustache said. “He cut down my trees…for what? To burn? We gave him no trouble…paid him no mind…but he murders a whole field of trees?”  
“I’m sorry Treemoustache” Sally said, resting her hand on his bark.  
“Did you know them well?” Terry asked.  
“Yeah” the sorrow in the Ent’s voice was unmistakable. “They were my barkers.” Instantly, the grief turned to rage. “Warion” he snarled. “Shisenbard is fucked!” Treemoustache threw his head back and roared as loudly as he could. The call echoed across the mountains, shaking the trees with its anger and loss, until the echo died out and the trees continued to move.  
“What is happening?” Sally whispered to herself but Treemoustache answered.  
“We gon’ fight lil’ Hobbit. You wanted us to join the fight, well here we are.” The Ent spread it’s arms wide and the Hobbits looked around to see hundreds of trees walk out of the forest they’d just left. And some who seemed to walk deeper in.  
“What’s the difference between an Ent and a walking tree?” Terry asked.  
“I ain’t got time to educate you ignorant lil’ fools. Now hush before I drop you to the ground for the crackheads.” Treemoustache began to march towards Shisenbard with an army of autotropes at their back, rage boiling their sap and hatred quivering their seedpods.


	40. Chapter 40

The Brohan soldiers who’d fought against the eScooters marched through the gates of Chads Place and dismounted, accepting food and water from those waiting for them. Browyn was one of them.  
“Wow, there are like, half as many of you now” she said holding a bike steady to allow an injured rider to get off.  
“Yeah we wasted them but we got pretty wrecked ourselves” Broden admitted, helping a redshirt get futile medical attention. “But we should be pretty chill right now.”  
“And Karanor? Where’s he hiding from me?” hearing this, Jimmy came running forwards, elbowing injured Brohans out of the way before skidding to a stop before Browyn.  
“My Lady,” he said trying to suppress the grin on his face. “Karanor is gone. Fallen. Dead. Broken and bloodied and washed away.” Browyn sighed.  
“That’s a bummer.” She turned and started to help the injured soldiers to the hospital room. “Wow you’re super hot even with one eye. Are you single? Really? Me too! This is like fate or something.” #Legless came to stand next to Jimmy and they both watched her walk away.  
“That did not have the effect I wanted it to” the Dwarf confessed. But it was not to be as the man expired several hours later, officially from an infection but several people mentioned that he’d been fine before he’d eaten Browyn’s food. At the same time he was dying unnecessarily painfully, Karanor had ridden through the gates and was now dramatically pushing open every set of double doors in Chad’s Place.  
“Will you please stop doing that? You’re really fucking up the climate control in this place” Jimmy said after watching him pose in an open doorway for the fourth time.  
“It’s part of my flair” he declared before marching to the throne which was basically any chair the king was sitting on.  
“Karanor! My dude! We thought you were dead!”  
“You thought what I wanted you to think.”  
“Why would you want us to think you were dead my guy?”  
“My methods are my own.”  
“I’m not gonna lie my man there doesn’t seem to be a lot of method to your methods.” Jimmy and #Legless watched the exchange between Karanor and Broden with amusement.  
“The king is wiser than he appears to be” The dwarf muttered to his boyfriend.  
“I’m not here to engage in spirited debate” Karanor said. “I have returned from the brink of death to bring you terrible news. An gigantic army of methheads created by Warion in Ornothanks is marching here as we speak.”  
“How could you possibly know all this?” #Legless demanded.  
“I have seen it!”  
“How? When? Where? Your data has no reputable sources! Why should we believe you?”  
“Have I ever steered you wrong?” Karanor demanded.  
“Yes! Many times!” The ‘grelf responded. Karanor threw up his arms and muttered something that sounded like “help me out here” as he stared up at the ceiling.  
“Enough! This is my throne room and I trust the words of Karanor” Broden said which set Karanor to smirking at the other two. “Plus he’s kind of engaged to my niece so I have to have to listen to him. Family and all that. We need to draw up battle plans!” Broden’s people saluted enthusiastically if incorrectly and started deciding how awesome and rad the battle would be ignoring Karanor who’d gone white at the news of his upcoming nuptuals as if help from above didn’t come at a price.


	41. Chapter 41

The Hobbits tumbled to the ground under the fresh assault from the enemy. Dodo scrambled around trying to see where Wham and Boggle had fallen but were unable to spot them in the dust and dildos dirtying the air.  
“Wham! Boggle! Where are you?” Dodo called out hoping they could hear him among the sounds of battle. He stumbled around, moving rubble and poking his head into marijuana dispensaries that were undoubtedly run by white people while black people were still in jail for possession. Assuming the jail was still standing after all this.  
“Dodo!” He heard the faint cry and ran towards it, knocking soldiers aside in his haste to get to whoever was calling for him.  
“Fuck you pornstar!” someone shouted at him which immediately made him feel better about knocking the next guy into a still burning building.  
“There are no heroes in this world” Dodo said to himself. “Only villains with different agendas.” He followed the voice to a shed that was somehow still standing amongst a sea of destruction and opened the door to find Wham and Boggle crouched together, hugging each other while sniping at each other.  
“Stop touching me!” Wham snapped.  
“You’re touching me!” Boggle spat back.  
“You’re touching me right now!”  
“I was here first then you came and grabbed me. Ergo you’re touching me!”  
“Enough!” Dodo snapped drawing their attention to him. “We need to move now! Stop touching each other and let’s go!” Dodo spun around and sprinted away using lessons he learned from Ubisoft’s The Division and The Division 2 to survive. Moving from cover to cover while reloading the weapon he didn’t have. The other two stayed close to him, checking out every other direction for incoming enemies or, even worse, white people. They moved closer and closer to the river, in what was universally described as a bad idea yet they did it anyway. They headed towards danger because apparently the closer they were to danger the further they were from harm.  
The air barrage did not let up in any way as they moved forwards.  
“Hey Dodo” Wham whispered.  
“What?”  
“Why are we going towards the enemy?”  
“Fucked if I know. But we’re here now so lets see what’s good.” The statement was so odd that even Wham and Boggle shared a look of confusion and concern.  
“Does he think we’re here to find a nice place to eat?” Wham muttered to the being skulking across the ground.  
“Stop touching me” was all that Boggle said, dodging Wham’s retaliatory kick.  
“We’re at the waterfront.” Dodo said. “Let’s catch a show, see the fireworks, get some food. Have a good time!”  
“Er…Dodo? Are you feeling OK?” Dodo turned around, his eyes wide and manic to the point where Wham took a step back. “Dodo maybe you should sit down.”  
“Sit down? Why? I’m great! Everything is great! Just like this great country!” Dodo started walking again except this time instead of trying to stay hidden he was marching out into plain view, not fearing any attack from anyone. “What a time to be alive!” He called out, whilst waving his hands and jumping up and down. Basically doing everything he could to attract attention and he was very good at it, Wham thought, based on the number of crackheads that were looking in their direction from the other side of the Spank Bank.  
“You need to calm down there buddy!” Wham shouted as Boggle cowered away, smart enough to know what was about to happen.  
“Calm? I am calm!” Dodo screamed, his tone and the fact that he was firing a flair gun into the air to signal his location belied his words. Screams and shouts went up from the Londalian soldiers and Wham was a little confused. It’s not like their location was a big secret. They were on the other side of the fucking river. Wham made his way towards Dodo who had climbed to the top of a defensive wall and was dancing to Frank Sinatra, firing off a flare every now and then. It wasn’t long before bullets started pinging around the ground where Dodo was, chips of stone flying in all directions and forcing Wham to take cover lest he risk being scratched. A scar in the wrong place would put an end to his career. Wham hunkered down when he heard the noise. The same sound of screaming air they’d heard after they’d left the Graves Yard. The sound of death.  
The TIE fighter came roaring in, flying low over everyones head, causing everyone to duck, fiend and foe alike. The Londalians scattered, their wills breaking in the face of this new enemy. They passed over once and then turned making straight for Dodo who had now found some coloured torches and was communicating in semaphore. The fighter slowly descended until it was hovering in front of Dodo, close enough that Wham could see the evil smirk of the pilot wearing his designer flight suit complete with high-end helmet. The crafts bay doors opened up to receive the Hobbit.  
“That’s it baby. Open wide! I’m gonna be deep inside you!” Dodo was gearing up ready to jump in just as Wham tackled him off the wall and down onto the ground far below, turning in midair to make sure he landed on Dodo for cushioning. Air exploded from both of their lungs at the impact however Wham felt like Dodo got the worse end of the drop and he was OK with that.  
The moment Dodo was out of harms way, Barraleer rounded the corner with an RPG and fired it haphazardly, clipping the edge of the TIE fighter and sending it hurtling into deep space. With the very distracting screaming of the TIE fighter gone, Londalian soldiers were able to muster a counterattack and hold the enemy at the Spank Bank. At least, for now.


	42. Chapter 42

Warion stood on the balcony of his tower surveying his domain. It was a hive of activity below, the ants scurrying below, making themselves useful. Following orders and doing their best work until Grima came along with a fire extinguisher and froze them all. Warion sighed and switched his focus to his actual people and left Grima to continue debugging the tower. The crackheads moved back and forth, continuing to keep his little city running. Creating the methheads had almost bankrupted him and he’d been forced to take a loan from Amazon at an exorbitant interest rate. Part of the loan conditions had been to emblazon all of his employees with the Amazon logo directly onto their foreheads and also to stop paying them, turning them into slaves which was far more in keeping with Amazon policy. But despite that, they worked reasonably well, learning quickly that when their colleagues dropped dead, ignore them and continue working. Plus so long as they were suitably medicated, they didn’t care.  
“Grima what’s first on the agenda?” Warion asked, taking a sip from his Amazon coffee mug and grimacing at the taste of the Amazon choice coffee.  
“Well first off is…” Grima trailed off, tilting his ear into the air like a dog.  
“Why did you trail off?” Warion asked.  
“Can you hear that?”  
“Hear what?”  
“It’s like…you’re gonna think I’m crazy but. It sounds like an angry forest.”  
“What the fuck does an angry forest even sound like?” Warion sneered, mocking the idiot he’d used to try and take over Brohan.  
“Warion!!” Came a loud scream. “You little bitch ass wizard! Get out here and I’m gonna stick a root up yo’ ass!”  
“Kind of like that” Grima replied. The two raced over to the window and were amazed at what they saw.

Treemoustache had started walking down the hill towards Shisenbard and knew the others were arrayed behind him. Not too close so as to compete for sunshine and nutrients but not so far away so as to remove all protection from the elements. The army moved faster and angrier until they reached the walls surrounding Warions fortress at a full tree sprint. Now anyone watching would’ve assumed that a ragtag group of sentient trees colliding with a solid stone wall would have ended horribly for the trees but as all those who play Rock, Paper, Scissors knows paper beats rock and trees are nothing more than raw paper. So the Ents all wrapped themselves around the wall and declared themselves the winner, forcing the walls to concede defeat. With nothing stopping their way, they charged into the grounds and laid waste to everything they found there.  
Buildings were destroyed with crackheads still inside. Mines were collapsed with crackheads still inside. Cables were cut and skycars feel to the ground with crackheads still inside and as the body count grew, so did Treemoustaches savage joy.  
“Fuck yeah! This is a natural disaster mo’fuckers!” The two Hobbits looked at each other with worry at the fact that they may have woken a sleeping psychopath but he was doing what they needed to so they didn’t try to stop him. Also he was at least twelve times as tall as they were and they didn’t want to be trodden into mulch and be absorbed by his roots.  
“Yeah! Do your thing ma-tree” Terry said with fake enthusiasm. Sally just nodded furiously and made lots of “mhmm” and “oh yeah” sounds. She had unconsciously slipped back into her fake-orgasm routine as there was a giant piece of wood that she had to keep happy.  
“You do it so good! Harder! Faster!” she cried out. Terry thought she was overdoing it but Treemoustache loved it.  
“Yeah! How’d you like that! Take it all!” The Ent called out to Warion and the three of them watched as he appeared on his balcony and looked down on them all. “You burn my barkers! You strip my land! And for what? Cattle farming and Amazon centres?”  
“What do you care about those trees?” Warion shouted back. “They’ve been dead ever since I dammed the river! Cutting them down was a mercy!”  
“YOU DAMMED MY GODDAMN RIVER?!” Treemoustaches rage was apoplectic but Warion just looked annoyed.  
“Oh, you didn’t know about that huh? Guess it serves me right for opening my mouth.” The Ent threw his head back and roared out loud.  
“BREAK THE DAM! RELEASE THE RIVER!” A group of trees sprinted away to carry out his orders while the others continued to destroy everything in Shisenbard.  
“I know you’re upset right now” Terry said to the tree, “but that was a great line.”  
“Thanks man” the Ent rumbled. The three watched as the trees reached the dam which stretched wide across the width of the Gusher river.  
“Oh no” Sally lamented. “They’ll never be able to tear that down. It’s gargantuan!” The Ent rumbled but this time it was laughter.  
“You forget little Hobbit. Paper beats Rock.” The entire dam winked out of existence and the full force of the river struck Shisenbard and washed away the corruption of Warion.


	43. Chapter 43

Karanor, #Legless and Jimmy stood upon the wall of Chad’s Place waiting for the attack of the methheads. Broden had taken charge from the courtyard where the free weights were stacked and various peasants and serfs had been tasked with the defence of the gate.  
“Maybe if he stops getting high and sending our army away every year, this shit wouldn’t happen” one was heard to say as they were outfitted with weapons and armour.  
“I heard he wasn’t high this time. I heard he got tricked into doing it by someone else.”  
“Oh that’s so much better” the man deadpanned. “Our king can fuck us over while sober too.” These two seemed to be in the minority as all the others were energised at the prospect of fighting. But the more #Legless and Jimmy listened to them, the more they realised that these soon-to-be-corpses were too stupid to realise the trouble they were in.  
“Idiots, morons, fools, imbeciles. These are no soldiers” #Legless said watching them scurry around grinning wildly.  
“Most of their balls hang too low.” Jimmy added.  
“Or they haven’t even dropped yet.”  
“They stand a better chance here than at Ed Bro Ras” Karanor said, wondering why they were speaking the common tongue.  
“A few hundred, against ten thousand? These fuckwits are going to die horribly, painful, deaths man!” the ‘grelf shouted out loud with nobody paying him any mind.  
“Then I shall…die…as one of them?” Karanor mumbled in a half-hearted way that was more question than statement, his voice so low that it seemed like it should’ve been impossible to hear what he said yet all conversation around them stopped cold. Karanor sighed before throwing up his hands and storming out of the armoury.  
“I can’t believe he said that” #Legless muttered.  
“Tell me about it” Jimmy replied. “So tactless.” It was later when #Legless apologised. Or to be more accurate he posted an old selfie of Karanor and himself with the caption Friends Forever which was pretty much the same thing. Moments after Karanor had liked the post and added it into his own story, horns filled the air and the three rushed to see a battalion of Instagrelfs march through the gates led by none other than #Turmeric.  
Karanor, #Legless and Jimmy hesitated at the sight of the ‘grelf but #Turmeric was quick to apologise.  
“Hey guys, you have every right to be mistrustful of me but I want you to know I’ve changed. I stopped reading Reddit and 4Chan and I feel so much better now. Walked away from the toxic echo chambers that I followed obsessively. I’m doing my best to be a different, better, person. For everyone. Not just Instagrelfs. That’s why I volunteered to lead the ‘grelf contingent in defence of Chad’s Place. Long ago, or maybe not that long. Who knows. But some time ago, Instagrelfs and men fought and died side by side. We came to die with you once again.”  
“Wait what?” One ‘grelf said.  
“I didn’t sign up for a suicide mission!” Another exclaimed. Soon the fear was running through the Brohan lines as well.  
“What do they know that we don’t?” the same peasant as before said.  
“Everything! It’s not like we’re educated here is it?”  
“You are most welcome” Karanor said graciously.  
“FUCK YOU! YOU DON’T SPEAK FOR ME!” several of the soldiers from both sides cried out. For a moment it seemed like a revolution would start then and there, the proletariat banding together to overthrow the aristocracy when the watchmen cried out. The enemy was near. The Instagrelfs were ordered to the wall while the Brohan soldiers were kept on the gate, splitting them up to stop them from uniting and overpowering their masters.  
The methheads came closer and closer until for some reason they stopped. And waited. And waited. Their utter stillness started to unnerve the not-soldiers to the point where one Brohan snapped and fired a single shot.  
The shot missed. What did everyone expect? An untrained, old man with one eye using a rusty old gun that hadn’t been properly maintained in years was never going to hit anyone from that distance. He was lucky he didn’t somehow hit himself! But that was by the by. The shot had been the signal the methheads had been waiting for and they charged. Like full on sprinted. They attacked on two fronts. The first being the wall and the second being the gate. Shots rang out across the battlefield with very few people actually getting hit. The Instagrelfs and Brohanians took cover behind the thick stone walls while the attacking methheads deployed portable field cover and continued to advance.  
“Don’t shoot the cover!” Karanor advised, “Shoot the enemy behind the cover!”  
“Great fucking advice!” Jimmy snapped, once again engaged in a contest with #Legless who was already leading seven to zero because of his goddamn filters. And the fact that Jimmy could barely see over the wall let alone fire over it. Karanor ignored the dwarf and fired his own salvo, killing five methheads effortlessly. He smirked at Jimmy but was disappointed when he realised Jimmy hadn’t seen it.  
“Wow! That was amazing!” an Instagrelf gushed just before his head exploded. Her comrades screamed out in horror.  
“Holy fuck was that a bullet?” one of them cried.  
“I don’t know! It looked like his head just went boom!” Karanor sighed and stopped showing off, shouting “ladders” in his most monotone voice.  
The methheads had indeed brought ladders and were hoisting them up into place. They observed proper health and safety guidance and made sure there was always one person securing the base of the ladder at all times. But then they sent multiple people up the ladders at once, climbing one handed while the other hand held various weapons. So good but not great on the adherence to health and safety guidelines. The Instagrelfs started shooting the methheads as they tried to climb over but they began changing filters far too often and the enemy started to slip by. At first it was only one or two here and there but soon they had swarmed to top of the wall.  
“Kick the ladders down THEN change the fucking filters!” Karanor snapped at a group of ‘grelfs who were letting loads of methheads slip before one of them decided to kill all the influencers who’d been standing around arguing about lighting. “Good” he mumbled rushing forward and cutting through them with his sword, his gun having run out of bullets earlier. He managed to scavenge a few rounds here and there and was saving them for a big moment. THE big moment if you know what he means. Karanor suddenly dropped to the ground. Head tucked down and hands holding himself tight. Everyone looked at him in immediate confusion and worry. The Instagrelfs, the methheads, everyone. A few even moved closer to try and hear what he was mumbling about but before they could, the wall blew up.  
Everyone went flying as the sharp blast tore a gigantic hole in the wall, breaching the defences. Hard. The soldiers on both sides went flying, most of them shattering their bodies upon landing except for Karanor. Who bounced and rolled to an uncomfortable but uninjured stop behind the hole in the wall.  
“What the hell #Leglass?” he demanded once he’d stood up, arms held out wide in anger.  
“What?” the ‘grelf was confused and disorientated. One may have precluded the other.  
“I told you to bring him down!”  
“Bring who down?”  
“The methhead who was running with the thing that destroyed the wall!”  
“You saw the methhead that was about to destroy the wall?” #Legless sounded angry which made sense since a large piece of rock had clipped him over the head during the explosion and he was now bleeding profusely. “Why didn’t you say anything!” Several others were looking at him with the same enraged look on their face and Karanor hastily turned and pointed at the incoming charge of methheads.  
“Oh look! We should charge!” Karanor ran towards the ones who were least likely to kill him. Least likely. Because plot armour only goes so far when you’re the lost king of a country that had embraced democracy. Jimmy, who had only just regained consciousness and had no idea why people were swearing at Karanor, raced to join him in his aggressive charge against the enemy. Once Jimmy charged, #Legless also joined in and then the rest of the Instagrelfs followed.  
What followed was a pitched battle in the newly made gaping hole in the wall. Karanor surged forwards, deeper and deeper into the enemy army, doing his best to stay away from his allies who would be trying to kill him.  
“Why are they trying to kill me?” he asked of the sky, not aware that it was because he was a dick. “You’re a dick” he mumbled to himself. At that point one of the methheads who was about attack Karanor stopped dead and screamed out in pain.  
“AARRGHH! I think I just got AIDS!” In a moment of terrible ignorance, all of his fellow soldiers jumped away from him and Karanor, distracted by what was going on in front of him, didn’t realise that a methhead had moved up behind him and whispered into his ear.  
“Keep it up and that’ll be you…” Karanor flinched at the horrible threat from a beautiful voice and turned just in time to see the methhead get killed by Jimmy who had fought his way to Karanor’s back.  
“You OK there? Look like you’ve seen a ghost”. Karanor could only nod.  
“My own” he said, finally understanding that when you’re a self-aware character in a book, you don’t fuck with the author.  
The battle continued but they were slowly loosing ground. For every methhead that fell, two more took their place like some super hench division of Hydra. However the numbers Karanor had to work with were dwindling rapidly and despite his extremely average leadership, the order came down to retreat.  
“Karanor!” Broden shouted “You really should come back!”  
“I can win this!” Karanor replied, as everyone around him immediately turned around and ran.  
“No you can’t bro. You’re pretty alone down there! Come on! We can get to know each other as a family!” The reminder that he was to marry Browyn was almost enough to make him stay and die but basic instinct made him turn and follow his team up the escape stairs, methheads hot on his heels.  
The three warriors marched directly to the king and were put to work.  
“So the gate is about to be broken by the evil guys and we need you to hold ‘em off while we repair the door” the king said with his usual relaxed demeanour. Karanor waited for more details but that was it apparently. So he and Jimmy went to hold the gate while #Legless provided support from on high with his filters.  
The two crept along the edge of the outside wall, balancing on a ledge no wider than they were, until they came into sight of the gate. It was chaos. The methheads were pounding on it with a long, girthy battering ram as they waved their guns about, firing at anyone they could see. With a nod from Karanor, #Legless activated the Weightloss filter and Karanor and Jimmy jumped clean across the gap with ease. Just before they landed, #Legless switched to the Sumo filter and they two of them smashed into the methheads like a couple of wrecking balls. They went flying and the two began to lay waste to their enemy with the “High as a Kite” filter turned on the methheads. It was almost too easy killing them but Karanor preferred it that way as opposed to too hard. Besides they’d need all the help they could get as from what he could tell, Broden had joined the efforts to reinforce the door. And that filled Karanor with true terror. That and the fact he was talking about which suit he’d wear to Browyn’s wedding.  
“OK it’s fixed now” The king said after several minutes. “You should leave. But not through this door. Also don’t turn around just because I’m talking because that would be super stupid. Even for us”. With that Broden hammered the final piece of wood into place and left the two to their fate. Once again #Legless saved them by throwing them a rope and making them super light again, meaning they climbed up in seconds. As he climbed, Karanor could see the knowledge in #Legless’ eyes that if Jimmy hadn’t been below him, #Legless would’ve made him super heavy and watched him fall.  
Thankfully they all made it and were standing around, panting, but relieved at the safety the newly-strengthened gate would give them.  
“The gates have been breached! Retreat!” the alert went up. The three sighed.  
“I dunno what went wrong” Broden said. “I took charge of the repairs myself.”  
Everyone sprinted towards the doors that led to the caves followed closely by methheads. They managed to slam the door right into their face, engaging the Amazon smart lock just in time.  
“Well that should keep us safe for a while” Broden said.  
“ALERT! LOCK FAILURE IMMINENT! REFUND NOT APPLICABLE! YOUR DATA WILL NOT BE DELETED!” Again everyone just sighed and looked at Broden again.  
“They gave me a good deal” he said.  
“Well we’re fucked” Jimmy said. Everyone nodded sagely, waiting for the lock to fail.  
“It’ll be all right” Broden said. “We’ll just die horribly and painfully.”  
“Or” Karanor said as everyone turned to glare at Broden, “we could ride out. One last fuck you to everyone.”  
“Why would we want to do that?” the king asked.  
“Because…reasons?”  
“You sonofabitch, I’m in! Prepare to ride out!” the king called out to rousing cheers. Everyone mounted up onto motorbikes that had been ‘found’ in a room marked “escape plan” and aimed directly at the doors.  
“LOCK FAILURE IN 10…9…8…7”  
“This is gonna be my greatest hour” Broden said.  
“6…5…4”  
“Let’s fuck shit up Brohan style!”  
“3…2…1…LOCK FAILED!”  
“Let’s GO!!” the king called out, revving his engine and flying forwards, his entire guard following closely. They burst forth from the doors, forcing the methheads to dive to the side or be run over and most didn’t dive in time. The ride was bumpy and bloody but not slow. Broden led the way with Karanor at his side, cleaving his sword left and right at whoever came too close. Jimmy had gone somewhere to blow a horn for some reason and #Legless was working his magic from on high so Karanor and the king were the only two important people on this charge of, like, twenty. Now that may not sound like a lot but stick them on bikes and ride them through tight corners and they become pretty dangerous.  
The group rode out through the battered gates and down the causeway, right into the middle of the methheads. There, their momentum stopped entirely and they gathered into a circle and continued to cut around them in an increasingly desperate manner. The thing about motorbikes was that they were really close to the ground and once they stop moving, there’s really no advantage to being on them.  
“Now what?” the king demanded of Karanor between sword strokes.  
“Why are you asking me?” the man replied, trying to stay alive.  
“This was your idea!”  
“No it wasn’t!”  
Yes it wa—wait why is everyone turning around?” Broden noticed all the methheads looking at something on the other side of the field but couldn’t see what it was as he was surrounded by towering methheads.  
“Oh it’s probably Marion returning with Bromer and his soldiers, come to our aid at the final moment.” The king turned to Karanor.  
“How could you possibly know that?”  
“Lucky guess. Also I’m not marrying Browyn.” Broden shrugged.  
“I don’t blame you. She’s had like five husbands and they’ve all died.” As they talked, Bromer and Marion led his group of riders that was exactly the same number that Karanor, #Legless and Jimmy had met earlier, into battle and killed all the methheads remaining. #Legless recorded the whole thing and said it was glorious. Karanor, sitting very low on a motorcycle surrounded by very tall warriors none of whom were paying him any attention, hadn’t seen any of it.


	44. Chapter 44

The enemy had been repelled for now but they would return. Barraleer knew it which was why he was letting them go.  
“What else can I do?” he asked, “I too know what it’s like to—”  
“Carry the single most evil artifact in the world?” Dodo interjected.  
“No but I ha—”  
“Have to escort your friend on a mission to save the world that may end up costing both of your lives?” Wham asked.  
“No but I’ve be—”  
“Been beaten and tortured for literally no reason at all with the end result being me betraying everyone I travel with for my own evil means?” Boggle queried.  
“Of course no-wait what did you just say?” Barraleer asked.  
“Nothing at all.” Barraleer looked at the skeletal little creature smiling sweetly and moved on.  
“What I’m trying to say is…good luck”. The captain of Londale shook hands with them all, except Wham and Boggle. They were the ‘help’ after all. “Where will you go now?”  
“There’s a secret entrance somewhere that will lead us into Happyland” Dodo said, firmly ignoring the suicidal break with reality he’d just experienced until it came back to destroy him.  
“You mean the Secret Path of Death and Torture?” Barraleer asked, shocking the Hobbits with it’s terrifyingly bleak name. They said as much. “Well there was a bit of a land dispute between Happyland and Londale. Each claimed the area as its own land and the case was never resolved because the judges kept getting assassinated and eventually it was just abandoned by both sides so it never got rebranded like the rest.” Wham had ignored most of everything that was just said.  
“Dodo why are we travelling through a secret path of death and torture?”  
“Not a secret path, THE Secret Path of Death and Torture.”  
“Thanks for the clarification. Dodo what the fuck are we doing with these people?” Dodo shook his head, smiling slightly, eyes still a little wide from what he’d been through.  
“Relax Wham. What’s the worst that could happen?”


	45. Chapter 45

The group slowly rumbled their way through the forest that hadn’t been there when the Battle of Chads Place had started. It had been a nice, barren plain which was now covered in trees that were hundreds of years old. The trees you don’t fuck with because they will fuck you right back. No lube. So they took extra care as they rode between the trunks, avoiding as many roots as they could until they exited the impromptu forest and found themselves being looked down on by Sally and Terry.  
“Welcome everyone, to Shisenbard!” Terry cried out loud in joy as he beheld the faces of his once acquaintances.  
“You little fuckers” Jimmy said. “After all the shit we went through to try and find you, here you are relaxing with all this food?”  
“We deserve everything we have here for taking over Shisenbard and stopping Warion.” Terry replied.  
“And for putting up with Treemoustache” Sally added. Karanor and Marion both sighed at the name but wouldn’t explain why they were frustrated. Both had been doing that a lot ever since Karanor had told Marion about the methhead with AIDS. “He’s a real pain in the ass.”  
“And no jokes about how we should be used to that, thank you!” Terry called out, much to Broden’s and Bromer’s disappointment.  
“Where is Tree…moustache?” Marion asked between gritted teeth. “I need to talk to him.” The Hobbits both pointed inwards and Marion sighed again. “Fine. Jump on and let’s go.”  
The Hobbits climbed up behind Karanor and Bromer and they all rode in. The grounds had been flooded immediately after the dam broke but time combined with great drainage meant that it was almost back to normal. It also meant the land was super good for farming.  
“Well it’s about time Mr Wizard-man” Treemoustache said sassily. “I’ve been doin’ your job here keepin’ this crazy man from leavin’”  
“He hasn’t tried to leave” Sally interjected.  
“I’m sorry are you the tree? No I’m the tree. So I’m the one who knows about leaves.” Sally and Terry sighed.  
“He’s been unbearable” Sally muttered to Karanor, who nodded in understanding.  
“WARION!” Marion called out. “GET YOUR BITCH ASS OUT HERE!” They waited for several seconds before two figures appeared at the top of the tower. Warion and Grima.  
“THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?”  
“YOU KNOW WHY I’M FUCKING HERE SO YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I WANNA KNOW!”  
“I DON’T KNOW NOTHING AND I AIN’T TELLING YOU SHIT!”  
“YOU KNOW AND YOU’RE GON’ TELL ME!”  
“WHAT YOU GONN’ DO FROM DOWN THERE!”  
“MOTHERFUCKER I WILL COME UP THERE AND BUST YOUR HEAD WIDE OPEN IF YOU DON’T TELL ME!”  
“BITCH CAN TRY!” Marion spat at the tower and turned away.  
“After careful negotiations, Warion isn’t willing to share information from the enemy camp.” Everyone just stared at him, mouths hanging open at what the wizard called ‘careful negotiations’.  
“Well, shall we try the other fucker?” Jimmy asked. “Or shall we just kill them both and get a drink?”  
“I like the way you think” Broden said.  
“Fantastic! #Legless waste these people and lets go.”   
“Stop! I meant I like your idea of trying the other guy.” Jimmy and #Legless scowled, the latter putting his phone down. Broden revved his engine softly, taking him a few feet closer.  
“I mean” Jimmy whispered, “he could’ve just walked over.” #Legless elbowed him to shut the Dwarf up, all the while grinning broadly.  
“Grima my dude, you really should come back with us. You weren’t a complete dick. It was your idea to install water fountains near the lifting stations.” Grima shuffled closer towards the tower edge, getting a better view of them all.  
“Well you need to stay hydrated” he mumbled.  
“See? You’re a guy of Brohan. Come on down and help us out!”  
“Are we really gonna just let him come back that easily?” Bromer asked.  
“Fuck no. We’ll get what we need then kill him” the king replied.  
“I don’t know why you think we didn’t hear that” Grima replied. “It’s not like any of us are shouting to be heard.” The two Brohanians looked at each other like “my bad” while everyone else just sighed. “But yeah I’m not coming down now.”  
“You’re not going down because I won’t let you go!” Warion snapped.  
“I’m getting real tired of your controlling nature! You won’t let me eat! Won’t let me sleep! Won’t let me use toilet paper!”  
“We have a bidet!”  
“I don’t like walking around with wet underwear!”  
“TOILET PAPER DOESN’T GROW ON TREES!”  
“YES IT DOES!”  
“NOT ANYMORE! I CUT THEM ALL DOWN!”  
“AND I’M GON’ KILL YOU BOTH FOR THAT!” Treemoustache roared. That appeared to be the final straw. The lack of food and sleep had driven Grima to the edge of reason and the wet crack and arboreal death threats pushed him over the edge. Figuratively speaking. He pulled out a gun and shot Warion in the head, the impact throwing him, literally, over the edge. #Legless was the one who reacted the fastest, loading his Instakill filter and doing away with Grima Wormtongue once and for all.  
“Why have you never used that before?” Sally asked the ‘grelf.  
“I only get one free use a week. Otherwise I have to pay a subscription fee” he replied.  
Warion’s body hit the ground and, due to the lack of water to make the motorcycle motif work, exploded. Blood and guts splattered them all and while they were cleaning themselves off and vomiting, Sally slipped off the bike and wandered over to the impact crater. She picked up the object that had caught her eye. It was Warion’s phone but the strange thing was it was already open on Omegle.  
“Sally give that he—hurgh!” Marion’s stern tone was undercut by the retching as Sally turned towards him and he saw the phone had an eyeball dangling from it. Why an eyeball? He never found out. Nor did he want to. But after Sally rinsed the phone off, he took it and wrapped it up in his pocket. Before they all headed back to Ed-Bro-Ras.  



	46. Chapter 46

The ride to Ed-Bro-Ras was long and uneventful and soon they were riding up to the kings hall where everyone was to assemble for the victory feast. Although not everyone was too happy about this as it meant getting rid of the lifting stations and BJJ grappling mats. But the king had returned victorious and that demanded celebrations!  
Everyone gathered and roared in triumph as the king marched the length of the hall and sat on his throne. This may not have been the most noteworthy of events but the last time Broden had been here and had tried to ascend the throne, he’d shit himself and collapsed from the exertion. So any action that didn’t involve self-defecation was a victory to be recognised.  
Broden stood in front of his throne and raised his mug to the memory of those fallen soldiers who’d defended Chad’s Place with their lives.  
“Never forget guys. We have to do everything we can so we never have to do this again. But we’ll start after the next time we have to do this again.” Everyone toasted to his brave speech of change and then the party really got going.  
Kegs were tapped, the food was distributed and the weed was rolled. Jimmy was the DJ for some reason and the music was banging. But every now and then someone would sing a song of home and he’d make sure everyone quieted down to hear the ancestral songs.  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
Yeah, you fucking with some wet ass pussy  
Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet ass pussy  
Give me everything you got for this wet ass pussy”  
Sally and Terry had jumped onto a table and were singing the songs of Shire for all to hear. They all clapped and cheered except for the two men at the back who were complaining about the inaccuracy of the song as they’d slept with plenty of women and neither of them had been wet at all. As everyone sang along, Karanor walked up to Marion and stood behind him in silence.  
“Where are we with the vampire preparations?”  
“Coming along nicely” the wizard replied. “I’ve ordered caches of stakes and holy water stashed all across the country. I still have influence in some parts. When the night children come, they’ll find us ready and waiting.”  
“Excellent.” They walked away from each other as if afraid to be caught in a clandestine meeting.  
After the party everyone was exhausted and they stumbled around each other, into each other and inside one another as they tried to find a place to sleep. Marion, Karanor, Jimmy, #Legless, Sally and Terry ended up sleeping in some sort of unused pilates studio off the main hall. Marion dibbed the only bed so everyone else was sleeping on the floor. Well everyone except Sally that was. She was tossing and turning on her bedroll, sheets soaking wet for the first time in a while but from sweat and not excessive lubrication. She gave up, opening her eyes after spending an hour forcing herself to sleep, before getting up and creeping down the room. She noticed Karanor wasn’t in his bed either and assumed he was hiding the sausage in Browyns buns. She’d seen them engage in weird white people foreplay that involved alcohol and a cup and then, during their first introduction, Browyn had informed her that she prefers anal sex so she can stay a virgin until her wedding, after which, she’d told Sally her name. All in all she was a weird chick but if Karanor liked her, that meant she was so much worse than she’d realised. But that wasn’t important. What was important was the phone. With the app.  
Sally walked on tip toes down to Marion’s bed and almost jumped a foot in the air as she looked him dead in the eyes. Then it turned out it was one of those glasses with the eyes drawn on and she relaxed.  
“What are you doing?” Asked a voice, making her jump once more. But it was only Terry.  
“I just want another look” Sally explained. “Just one more glance”. She knew something was wrong. She was craving that phone as badly as she’d craved dick when she’d first hit puberty. Sally gently prised the phone from Marion’s hand and, after closing all the PornHub tabs, took it back to her own blanket.  
“This isn’t a good idea!” Terry whispered but Sally was beyond caring. She opened the app and sighed in relief. The Omegle loading screen popped up and after a few seconds she was alerted to the fact that someone called 0l10n had entered the chat.  
Hey baby they typed. The default settings were that the video was on but the mic were off.  
Hi how are you?  
I’m doing good now that you’re here. You got a great body  
Er thanks… Sally was starting to have a bad feeling about this but couldn’t let the phone go.  
I’d love to see more of you. You look like you’re getting hot. You should take some clothes off. Sally was getting more and more uncomfortable with everything that was happening.  
Er I think I’m gonna go now. She tried to log out but the button wasn’t working.  
Fuck you! You stupid slut! You think you’re better than me? You’re not even that sexy! Send me nudes! AND TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!! That was when she started to scream.

Karanor had not in fact left to sodomise Browyn. He’d wanted to take a piss and was now outside the hall with #Legless lighting up.  
“You know what man? Life is just beautiful” the Instagrelf said. “It really is. So fucking beautiful.” Karanor nodded but found he couldn’t feel the effects of the leftover weed. “It’s the greatest thing of all but you know what’s crazy? We’ve probably have the best wank of our life already.” Karanor sighed and decided to skip ahead to the next scene.  
“Come on. Some shit is going down in the next room”.

Terry jumped to his feet and caught Sally as she began to convulse.  
“Help! Someone help us!” Karanor burst into the room and snatched the phone from Sally’s hand.  
SENDNUDESSENDNUDESSENDNUDES  
Karanor collapsed to the ground, the phone overheating from the long video chat which wasn’t helped by Marion jumping out of of bed and throwing a blanket over the phone to cover the camera.  
“You dumb stupid sonofabitch!” He barked pulling the Hobbit into his lap and checking her pupils. He performed a rudimentary neurological exam on her and Terry’s gun at the back of his head prevented him from doing anything else. “She’s fine, just in shock.” They filled a bucket with water and threw it over her bringing her back from unconsciousness.  
“Fuck! I’m drowni—”  
“What did you see?” Marion interrupted her sputtering attempts for oxygen.  
“What? What did I see what?”  
“What. Did. You. See?”


	47. Chapter 47

The three not-musketeers were having a terrible time on the way to Happyland. Dodo was slipping further and further into insanity, Boggle was helping him with the end goal of being written into Dodo’s will for some reason and Wham was slowly but surely watching his friend become a different person.  
“Listen Wham I get it” Dodo said, not getting it which wasn’t surprising given the growing aura of instability he was projecting day by day. “You’re jealous. You want the Thing for yourself to rule and dominate all life and turn the whole world into your personal porn label “Whams Bamms”. It’s a good idea. Personally I’d be rooting for you but here’s the Thing.”  
“Dodo you have to stop offering that whenever you use that phrase” Wham replied, gently pushing Dodo’s open palm which held the Thing back to him.  
“Stop trying to take it from me Wham!” Dodo snapped, tucking it away safely into his pocket with the hole in the bottom. “Now, the thing is, is that it’s a horrible idea.”  
“You just said it was a good idea” Wham pointed out, deciding not to add “it’s also not my idea.”  
“It was then but now it’s not. Because if you enslave the whole population to make porn, who’s gonna buy it?” Dodo then imitated the Roll Safe meme before carrying on walking towards the Secret Path of Anal Rape and Castration or whatever the fuck it was called. Despite his deteriorating mental state resulting in the odd side effect of flatulence, Wham walked by Dodo’s side. There was too much at stake to risk drifting far from Dodo when they were this close to finishing it. Boggle was ahead, leading the way and talking to himself which was becoming the norm after Hoesgilliath. The little bitch had gone through a terribly traumatic event but Wham still didn’t like him.  
“OK so what’s the plan?” Boggle asked Deedle who was also himself but also not.  
“The plan is we get them killed and then take the Thing back. Easy peasy” Deedle replied.  
“I care not about the ease of peas. I just want my Thing back.”  
“Our thing. You schizophrenic bastard.”  
“Whatever. I want it. How do we go about it?”  
“Well thankfully you set the plan in motion a while back. We’re leading them to the secret entrance, but we didn’t tell them it’s guarded by a terrible evil that will kill them both. Good thing your second act change of heart didn’t actually stick.” Boggle nodded, conceding his alter ego’s point.  
“True but I think I would’ve always come back to this point. Wanting the Thing so bad I’d do anything to get it. Even if it means betraying the only person who’s shown me a glimpse of kindness in decades.”  
“I mean…he also led you into a trap and watched as you got brutally assaulted.” Boggle nodded again. Another good point. He wished he was as smart as him.  
“Which is why I feel no shame in killing them both.” Boggle and Deedle burst out laughing but Wham, who was a step behind turned to Dodo.  
“Are you listening to this shit?” he asked incredulously. Dodo, who had in fact found a gigantic pile of fecal matter on the ground and now had it to his ear, nodded energetically, smearing shit up and down the side of his face.  
“I am and it’s amazing! So much better than listening into a seashell.” After Wham had finished retching he turned and faced Boggle down.  
“Listen to me you bastard. I don’t care how crazy he is, I’m not gonna just let you plan to kill us!” Wham reached out to grab the traitor, who wasn’t actually a traitor as he was never part of the team but was blocked by Dodo. The crazy Hobbit was suddenly fuelled by the power of the Thing and blocked all of Wham’s attempts with ease like he was The One, until the Hobbit gave up and stumbled away, panting harshly.  
“I can’t let you hurt him.” Dodo said monotonously. “He’s my trusted guide. I need him.” From behind Dodo, Boggle smirked and made a jerking off motion at Wham who forced down the anger.  
“Sorry Dodo” he said through gritted teeth and with a clenched anus. “I don’t know what got over me.”  
“That’s OK man! Dodo replied with his normal voice. “Let’s just keep going. Lead the way best friend!” Dodo marched forwards as Boggle moved off and Wham was left behind wondering how you kill Neo without giant robotic squids or Agent Smith. With a snarl, he hurried after them before they got too far away from him. He still had a world to save.


	48. Chapter 48

“Sally saw a great many things” Marion announced in the great hall that no one could tell if it had been named ironically or not. “She saw when Winds of Winter would be released. She saw when women would be paid the same as men. And she also saw the white weed plant of Sinusen Spirits. That is where Olion will attack next.” Everyone in the room started looking at one another, another question on their mind, but only one was brave enough to ask.  
“Can we…can we get a picture with you Sally?” Marion sighed and moved to the side as all of the top generals in Brohan scurried over to take pictures with their favourite porn star.  
“I can’t tell you how honoured I am to meet you Miss Slippin’” gushed the commander of the Brohirrim.  
“I’m your biggest fan!” Squealed the officer in charge of special operations. “I was so relieved to hear on your podcast that your mother is doing better. Please send her my best!”  
“Can I talk about the dry elephant in the room?” asked king Broden as he took a picture before getting his poster signed. Sally laughed.  
“Of course you can but honestly I don’t know what happened. When we went through the Caves of KryptoKurrency and lost Marion, something changed I guess. Maybe it was the grief or the stress but I stopped leaking but I didn’t even realise. There were so many terrifying thoughts spinning around in my head that I didn’t really notice I was dry until the wind started to blow and I realised it wasn’t cold. It was actually quite warm and I hadn’t felt a warm breeze since before I hit puberty.” Her audience ate it up and applauded her with tremendous gusto until Marion fought his way to the front.  
“OK that’s enough! We’re still under attack by the evil people. Shall we focus on that?” The wizard glared at everyone until they stopped crowding around Sally and returned to their chairs.  
“I don’t what what there is to focus on Marion” Broden said with a smile. “I mean it’s not really our problem is it? If Londale is under attack.” The room went quiet as everyone was shocked by the king’s callous attitude but Marion and Karanor smirked at each other.  
“Well if that’s your opinion there’s nothing I can do to change it” Marion sighed dramatically. “I guess someone else will have to warn Londale.”  
“I will do it!” Karanor said dramatically and not to be outdone, Marion increased his own flamboyancy by at least fifty percent.  
“No! You cannot go!”  
“Londale must be warned!” Karanor puffed his chest out and stood with his fists on his hips.  
“I can’t wait to be pregnant with his children” Browyn muttered loud enough for Karanor to hear and start acting normal again.  
“They will be. By me and Sally. We’re going to Londale.” Everyone turned to look at the Hobbit who was staring back at Marion in shock. “This is your own fault. Now gear up. We ride in ten.”

They rode out of Londale on Marion’s supercharged motorcycle, the king of all bikes. Or so he claimed. But Sally, who was in no way whatsoever experienced with bikes because everyone in the Shire just walked everywhere, was suitably impressed and fell asleep in her sidecar. Marion had tried to convince her to double up with him but a threat to pop his testicles with her bare hand, motivated him to find another way. They rode for several days before they crested a small hill and Marion grinned.  
“That, is Sinusen Spirits.” Sally wasn’t sure if she was supposed to be impressed or not but the city was definitely something. It looked like a tower of Jenga pieces halfway through the game. Levels were placed precariously atop one another with little to no thought of structural stability. Three levels were even cantilevered onto the main body because why the fuck not Sally guessed. They rode through the city slowly because it was full of right angle and steep ramps which made sense if one thought about it for half a second, until they made their way to the top of the tower. The palace. Or the former palace since it was now a democracy and they did not want to pay for the privilege of hosting a royal family in any way.  
“Now listen up. Forromeer’s father is in charge here. He leads the ruling party and he doesn’t know about Forromeer’s death. Don’t tell him. This guy was in love with his son. So don’t mention anything. We’re just gonna pretend he’s still alive” Marion warned.  
“Oh gee thanks for telling me I shouldn’t just blurt out to a complete stranger that I watched his son die. Great advice.” Marion frowned at Sally’s retort before striding into the former palace leaving her to catch up to him just as he approached the only occupied seat in the place.  
“High Minister Windermore. It is good to see you again.” Marion said before beginning to prattle on about togetherness and loyalty and doing what you’re told while Sally noticed the glass coffin next to the Minister which had Forromeer’s eerily preserved body inside it.  
“Er…Marion” Sally said, interrupting his little speech. The wizard stumbled and stopped halfway through a story about how he and Forromeer had went out for drinks last night.  
“What?” he asked, annoyed. Sally just pointed at the coffin and saw Marion’s face turn white. Or whiter than normal because he was pretty hauntingly pale at the best of times. “Well that’s unfortunate.”  
“No please don’t stop” Windermore said in his deep baritone voice. “Tell me how my son, who’s been dead for weeks, got drunk and did cocaine off of your dick last night.” The silence was as awkward as it had ever been.  
“In my defence I said we decided against doing that.” Marion said somewhat obstinately.  
“Go fuck yourself wizard. And stay the hell out of my place.” The wizard and the Hobbit were escorted out and left to fend for themselves.  
“Well that could’ve gone better” Sally said. “I mean the coffin was right there. How did you not see it?”  
“Because I wasn’t looking for a coffin carrying an embalmed corpse with a gigantic, permanent, erection!” Marion snapped back.  
“Yeah that erection was weird. Also inaccurate. He wasn’t that big.”  
“But do you see what I mean about in love with his son?” Sally nodded.  
“What do we do now?” she asked.  
“We can’t get him to call for help. So we go and bring help here ourselves.”  
“So where are we going next?”  
“Going? We’re not going anywhere!”  
“But you just sai—”  
“Help must come to us!” Sally stared at him for a few seconds then sighed.  
“Senile bastard” she muttered.


	49. Chapter 49

“Come quickly!” Marion barked at Sally as they ran through the city.  
“If I had an orgasm for every time I heard that” Sally replied, moving fast as she chased after the wizard.  
“This is no time for puns. We have a job to do. Or rather, you have a job to do.” Marion stopped suddenly at a wall which looked out over the massive mountain range Sinusen Spirits had been built up against. He pointed at something and smiled. “You know what you must do.” Sally punched him on the leg.  
“No I fucking don’t! There was no instruction or even vague clues. I’ve never been here before and I don’t know what you’re pointing at!” Her temper had finally snapped after dealing with this guy for so long.  
“You must…release the Ginger!” Marion said dramatically and after a few seconds, Sally punched him again in the him a dead leg. “OW! Fuck!” he started hobbling around trying to shake it off.  
“That was also unhelpful and borderline nonsensical. Explain better” she demanded.  
“There exists a way to request help from Brohan. There exists a zipline stretching from the mountain peak closest to Londale to the peak closest to Brohan. When a redheaded step child is volunteered for duty, they are caged and when need is dire, released to ride the zipline and summon aid. When the burst of fire that is their hair is seen, Brohan will know to come.” Sally was speechless.  
“But…there are phones…I’ve literally been texting Terry all of this and he’s laughing about it with Bromer and Browyn. I can just send a message and they’ll know instantly.”  
“WE MUST FOLLOW THE ANCIENT WAYS!” Marion roared as everything he held dear was questioned. Sally sighed and sent a final message before putting her phone away. Now that she actually knew what to do, Sally got to work.  
The climb was relatively easy. Being a professional porn star gave one extremely strong finger strength for…well for the job. Or jobs as it were. She scaled the distance to the ginger’s cage in a few minutes, although the wind didn’t help. She’d been hovering over the guard station for a few minutes trying to figure out the best way to distract them before she realised, they were watching her. Sally scrambled down crept up behind them.  
“You know, despite this being one of my earlier movies, I think this was one of my best.” The two guards shot up, the shock of not being alone swiftly overtaken by the shock of being face to face with their actress of choice. It was extremely disconcerting having Sally in front of them smiling kindly while behind them the very same woman climaxed loudly and repeatedly. There was also a lot of squelching. “Oh wow! I forgot it used to be that bad! Maybe I’ve been getting dryer for a while.” That was all it took. One guard orgasmed himself unconscious and the other simply turned and ran. Sally shrugged before walking around to the cage door and unlocking it.  
The strongest smell of shame and regret that was genetically hardwired to come with the hair colour erupted from the cage and she had to take a step back to stop herself succumbing to the same problems, but she was a natural brunette so there was little risk of that. But fear and paranoia run deep. As she retreated the Ginger stepped cautiously from the cage, fearing the strap but craving the light.  
“It’s OK. You’re free.” They didn’t understand so Sally pointed towards the mountain range and said “you know what to do.” After a seconds hesitation the Ginger jumped forwards in glee and began climbing to the top of the peak. “Huh” she said to herself. “Maybe it’s just me?” The fire-red of their hair was easily seen and Sally watched as it climbed higher and higher until it must’ve reached the zipline at which point it flew away, fast as gravity could pull it. The call went up from the city behind her.  
“The Ginger! The Ginger of NasalFeen is sent!” Sally took that as her cue to make her way down, but she waited until the Ginger had vanished from sight. It didn’t take long.


	50. Chapter 50

Karanor stayed in his camp for some days. No one knew how many but it was a lot. He ran out of food and toilet paper and refused everyone’s offer of getting him more from the shop he was camped next to. He wouldn’t risk being distracted in case the signal was seen. He didn’t sleep, such was his devotion to the cause. No one knew where this new found dedication was coming from but it was scoring him major points on Yelp. No one knew why he was on Yelp.  
The day was chilly and Karanor was wrapped up in his cloak when it happened. First he heard the scream and then the Ginger turned a corner, because there are corners on ziplines now, and came hurtling to their last stop. They dropped to the ground and ran free into the wild as determined by the ancient pact but their job was done. Londale had called for aid.  
Karanor turned and ran. Down the road, passed the pharmacy and adult film theatre. Passed the bowling alley and the dried flower garden. He took the stairs seven at a time regardless of how awkward it was to run like that, his cloak flapping in the dramatic wind. He ran passed soldiers and warriors and bakers and butchers, everyone looking so busy as they got on with urgent work but Karanor didn’t care. He burst into the great hall and sprinted towards the throne.  
“The Ginger! The Ginger of Sinusen Spirits was seen! Londale calls for aid!” He stopped in the middle of the bustling hall, crying out his last words dramatically.  
“Yeah we know dude” Broden said. “What do you think we’re preparing for?” Karanor had never been more confused in his life as he looked around and saw battle plans and supply chains descriptions. If Karanor was reading these documents right, half the army had already mobilised and set up base camp.  
“But…the Ginger…”  
“Yeah that’s some old world bullshit” Terry said, walking into the room in full armour. “Sally sent me a message days ago. Hold on let me read it.” The Hobbit pulled out his phone and opened his messages up. “Hey T gotta go do this stupid thing for the Grand Wizard. Btw Londale needs Brohans help. Tell the king to come quick lol. Now I gotta release a Ginger. These white people and their obsession with slavery I s2g.” Everyone carried on with their obvious preparations for war and Terry gave Karanor a look before walking off. Even #Legless and Jimmy were trying not to laugh at his obvious heartbreak.  
“But…will Brohan answer?” he asked quietly. Broden laughed.  
“Of course we will my guy! It’ll be fun on a bun!”


	51. Chapter 51

“What do you mean Hoesgilliath fell?” Windermore demanded. “I gave you all the help you needed to stop the infiltration of evil into the city. Did you not receive my thoughts and prayers?”  
“Well no father.” Barraleer replied.  
“How about the thots and pimps?”  
“We got them! But they weren’t as useful as soldiers would’ve been, you know?”  
“I asked you to do one job! Why are you always trying to make me look bad!” Windermore asked. At first Barraleer thought it was rhetorical but then he realised that his father was waiting for an answer. And his father never accepted he was wrong so to reply “I’m not trying to make you look bad” would never be accepted. So he had to turn it into a positive.  
“Because I try too hard?” he responded hesitantly as if this were a job interview with trick questions. Which it kinda was but he didn’t think he was getting the job. Which was staying alive.  
“You will take the city back. Two of my favourite prostitutes live there and my three favourite gigalos.”  
“Father I know you are worried about your acapella group but it’s not worth the lives of my soldiers.” Windermore stood, rage etching lines on his face.  
“How dare you! Turning A Trick is the second highest rated acapella group in all of Londale! Forromeer would’ve known that!” There was an awkward silence.  
“You wish that I had died and he’d lived don’t you?” Barraleer said quietly.  
“You know I do! I said as much at your annual birthday bonanza!”  
“What birthday bonanza?”  
“The one I’ve never invited you to! Celebrating you is hard enough! No need to make it worse by actually having you there! Now go and carry out a suicide mission to get my city back!” Barraleer nodded and left the room, shooting a sad smile at Sally as he walked by.

“It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen Marion” Sally said to Marion as they were in their room. For some reason there was only one room spare in the whole city but it wasn’t so bad. Marion had been the perfect roommate ever since he’d woken up with a razor blade in his foreskin. “Windermore just kept insulting his own son and apparently has an annual spiteful birthday celebration for Barraleer, without Barraleer.”  
“Yeah I’ve been to a few” Marion replied from the balcony where he was getting high. “They’re actually pretty good.”  
“Well you know what wasn’t pretty good? The attack on Hoesgilliath! They were slaughtered! You can still hear the screaming!” Sally pointed out, referring to the faint cries of pain.  
“Oh is that what that was? I thought this was just a super dark trip.” Marion seemed relieved at the fact that real people were dying instead of hallucinatory people. “Which made sense with that super weird star in the sky.”  
“What star?” Sally asked.  
“The one that says ‘We’re coming for you’.” Sally exited onto the balcony and looked up, sighing as she saw what was happening.  
“That’s not a star nor is it a trip. It’s an email notification from the tablet you stuck to the underside of the balcony above this one”.  
“When did I do that?”  
“When I walked into the room two minutes ago.” Marion had already fallen asleep so Sally went ahead and read the email by herself. “’Buh buh buh impending death. Yadda yadda yadda endless armies. Hope you have a lovely day, Happyland’. Not gonna lie I’m getting mixed messages here.” Sally left Marion and went back into the room. There was a lot of work to do to save this place and she had no idea where to start. But her new position as citadel guard should help that. Apparently because Forromeer had died for her there was some sort of life debt she owed to the city. Sally thought that was some bullshit reason made up to exploit her and it turned out she was right. Despite being given a gun, sword and access card, all she’d been asked to do was model for billboards proclaiming how their democracy worked better than everyone else’s democracy and that there was no need to change it or even look into it. Sally found that strange and was going to look into it when she had time. She wouldn’t have time for a proper investigation until the war was over. But a quick Google wouldn’t hurt anyone.


	52. Chapter 52

They stumbled up the emergency stairs, exhausted, because the elevator was out of order. They had walked around the whole of Glow City, which was where all of Happyland’s armies came from, to get to the stairs. For an army base it was pretty poorly guarded but that wouldn’t have mattered if Dodo had succeeded in knocking on the door and announcing his presence as he tried so hard to do. Wham and Boggle both sprinted after the suicidal bastard, tackling him to the ground. Hard. There was a chance that Wham could’ve used less force but it wasn’t healthy to bottle up emotions and if Dodo’s cracked ribs were the price he had to pay for a clean emotional tract then Wham was willing for Dodo to pay that.  
“How far up do we have to go?” the Hobbit whispered, holding his chest tight.  
“All the way up” Boggle replied.  
“OK calm down Fat Joe” Wham quipped. The two shared a look of intense hatred, made even worse by the fact that they both knew and liked that song. They continued to climb up the seemingly never-ending stairs and the monotony of the climb was broken half-an-hour in when the speaker system that was mounted on top of Glow City’s walls, where the surveillance system should probably have been, started blaring with some terrible song that almost deafened them all.  
“What the fuck is that!?” Wham cried out, holding his palms to his ears.  
“It’s coming from down there!” Dodo shouted, trying to muffle the sound as well.  
“It’s the battle song of Happyland” Boggle answered, pulling out two pairs of ear plugs and offering one to Dodo and none to Wham. “They said in their last newsletter that they’d start all of their re-education trips with this song to boost morale.” In an increasingly rare moment of being on the same page, Wham and Dodo looked at each other then back at Boggle.  
“When you say re-education trip you mean war don’t you?” Dodo asked fitting the ear plugs. Boggle nodded and alluded to Happyland’s comprehensive re-branding strategy.  
“And why do you get the Happyland newsletter?” Wham asked. This time there was no answer as Dodo’s brief moment of lucidity had vanished and he was back to his crazy self.  
“It’s all good Wham” he said, eye’s rolling back into his head. “I’m sure it’s just one of those things.” Wham sighed and dropped the subject. Pushing the issue would just cause Dodo to defend Boggle and if Wham lost his temper and tried to push Boggle to his death, Dodo would protect the creature and Wham would end up falling.  
“Let’s just keep climbing” the Hobbit said with no tone whatsoever. So they did. Dodo robotically leading the way, Boggle smugly in the middle and Wham despairingly bringing up the rear. From a distance though as the beating Boggle had recently suffered had caused damage to his sphincter and he was now prone to bouts of incontinence. They ended up camping when they found a platform halfway up that seemed somewhat comfortable, and despite Wham waking up and catching Boggle masturbating, spent a relatively good night there halfway up a mountain.  
“Explain to me where these stairs are going and why there’s a secret entrance here” Wham asked Boggle. When Dodo eyed him up menacingly he added “so I can get ready with a plan to be super helpful!” The fake positivity sickened him.  
“There was a plan to make this mountain peak one side of a cable car that spanned the whole of Happyland” Boggle explained. “So the lift and the stairs were all installed to be the entry/exit for the cable car.”  
“That sounds delightful!” Dodo said, eyes unfocused.  
“OK sure but why is there secret entrance here in the first place?” Wham persisted.  
“I don’t know!” Boggle snapped. “I barely know how old I am, let alone how old the secret tunnel is! How am I supposed to know why it was built? I’m not a zoologist to tell you how evil creatures are born and how them come to reside in secret tunnels.”  
“There’s an evil creature up there?”  
“Of course not! How dare you impugn my honour!”  
“Don’t impugn his honour Wham” Evil-Dodo said menacingly.  
“That’s all he does these days!” Boggle complained. “Impugn honours and eat all the food when we’re not looking!” Dodo and Wham were both stunned by the accusation.  
“What the hell are you talking about? I eat the same amount as everyone else. One scoop per meal!” Wham snapped, fists balling in rage.  
“Oh yeah? Then why are we out of food?” Boggle asked, ripping open the supply bag and pulling out the empty packet after empty packet. “I’ve seen you at night, stuffing your face. You don’t even mix up the shakes because it would make too much noise! You just eat spoonfuls of powder like an animal! Fat Hobbit!”  
“YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” Wham drew his gun and fired three shots at the little bastard that all stopped in midair. Wham turned, rage becoming shock as he saw Dodo with his hand out, holding the bullets in place. “You are the One.”  
“The one who is sick and tired of your shit Wham. All you do is bully and harass my oldest friend here. It’s time for you to go.”  
“But I can’t go. I have to get you to that goddamn furnace or whatever so you can destroy the Thing!”  
“I don’t need you and I don’t want you here. Go home. You’re done!” With those words, Dodo carried on climbing the stairs followed by a smiling Boggle while Wham was left behind all by himself.


	53. Chapter 53

Dunharbro was the ancient mustering site of the Brohan army, built up against a mountain and it was packed. Mostly with camper vans and mobile homes. No one owned tents anymore; camping had been replaced by glamping because wiping the shit from your ass with a leaf was not on anyones bucket list. As the contingent from Ed-Bro-Ras rode through to their spot at the very top everyone hailed the king.  
“Yes Broden!”  
“How’s it hanging King Bro!”  
What’s goin’ on Brosef!”  
His soldiers cried out various greetings and King Broden replied to all of them. He seemed to know a great many of his people by name which endeared him to all those around him. Finally they reached the top encampment and started unhooking their equipment and pouring fuel into the generators for their motor homes. All except Karanor, #Legless and Jimmy who were looking down a road that passed through the mountain. It was barely wide enough for a single bike but it was too enticing and they couldn’t look away.  
“Don’t worry about that road” Bromer said, setting up his portable espresso machine. “It’s haunted.” The Instagrelf and the Dwarf turned in shock but Karanor stayed staring.  
“What did you say?” Jimmy asked, pulling out an ear horn he was trying to make into his thing. #Legless snatched it from him and threw it away.  
“It’s haunted. People keep walking down the road and never coming back. So the obvious answer is ghosts.” At this even Karanor turned around, but where Jimmy and #Legless looked bewildered, Karanor looked terrified.  
“Ghosts?” he asked. “You mean like, actual ghosts? You sure?”  
“Hundred percent” Bromer replied. “Actual ghosts. We’ve never seen or heard them or experienced them in any way but we’re sure they’re there. I mean, that’s what ghosts do”. Karanor kept glancing between the road and Bromer before sighing and heading back to his RV.  
“Where you going?” #Legless called out.  
“To find salt and iron!”  
“Why?” Jimmy asked.  
“Because they work on ghosts! Have you never seen Supernatural?” They let him be and went to get some food. They spent the rest of the day enjoying themselves while more soldiers turned up at the camp and Karanor infused his iron bar with saltwater for ghosts that didn’t exist.  
Night had fallen when a guard woke Karanor from an erotic dream to inform him he’d been summoned to the king.  
“What’s wrong?” Karanor demanded, bursting through the door of the king’s RV. “I was told to hurry!”  
“I like the hustle K” Broden said, “but you could’ve taken the time to tuck your boner up into your waistband.” Karanor looked down and sighed before readjusting and carrying on. “It came out when I was running. But why am I here?”  
“That’s the question I was asking” the King said. “Why am I here? I’ll give you two some privacy.” The king walked away and Karanor had to look around before spotting the hooded figure in the corner.  
“#Belldron. What brings you here?” Karanor asked. The Instagrelf flung his hood back and glared at the man.  
“How the hell did you know it was me?” he demanded.  
“Lucky guess. What’s up?”  
“I’m here because other shit has been going on. #Tharnen is dying for some reason. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong. So we went to see witch doctors, psychics and a scientologist. It turns out that you have to destroy the Thing to keep her alive. So you need to win the war otherwise she dies.”  
“So that’s weird. Why would you go to a scientologist?”  
“He was offering free stress tests so we thought why not?”  
“OK so what do I have to do?”  
“Take this special gun, travel the road and go find the hidden army.”  
”I’m not fucking with no ghosts!” Karanor shouted out. #Belldron looked confused.  
“Ghosts? The fuck are you on about?”  
“People keep vanishing down that road and I’m not getting a ghost army.”  
“It’s not a ghost army. The people who go down that round are soldiers who don’t want to get crippled and end up on the street at the mercy of a government that doesn’t care about them.” Karanor was speechless for a moment.  
“Wow that got super dark but OK.” He took the special gun and went to pack his things before standing in front of the ghost rode. He waited for half an hour before marching over and hammering on the door of Jimmy’s caravan. “Hey! Wake up! You’re supposed to be coming with me down the ghost rode! Be ready in ten minutes!” Karanor marched away and waited and eleven minutes later Jimmy and #Legless turned up looking red and sweaty. “About time! Let’s go!”  
They walked down the road, with all the soldiers watching them go and not one thought they were worse off without those three. Even Browyn had already moved on before they were out of sight.  
The Brohanians went back to sleep and rose before noon the next day. After the bags were packed and breakfast had been served it was late afternoon before they rode towards the battle field.


	54. Chapter 54

The three walked down the narrow mountainous roads searching for anyone that could direct them to the reinforcements they were hoping to find. So far there was nobody around and #Legless was getting sick and tired of Karanor insisting he speak riddles “in a prophetic voice”.  
“What does that even mean?” he shouted out, his voice echoing off the walls. “What voice have you normally heard prophecy in? Please do tell!”  
“I mean…all echoey and shit. With lots of different camera angles.” #Legless threw his hands up and rode off on his bike with Jimmy following close behind. “I thought that made sense.” Karanor said, with no one to hear.  
They carried on, at first they took turns leading the way but for some reason, they always ended up finding dead ends whenever Jimmy and #Legless led the way so Karanor took the lead and made sure to only get lost one out of every three turns. He called it progress. The others called him incompetent in their most mocking prophetic voices. The sun rose at some point but with the high stone walls, it was dark and cold until just before midday when the sun was directly overhead, it’s light hammering down upon them all with no shade available. But this only lasted for maybe an hour before the sun was once again covered by the walls and they were cast back into the gloom. Just before they camped for the night, they turned from one long road into the next, and only realised their mistake at dawn when the sun woke them up by blazing directly in their faces.  
“Ah fuck!” Jimmy said, pulling his ballgags over his eyes to try and hide from the fresh sun. “What the hell is this?”  
“The sun is gonna sodomise us this whole day” #Legless predicted. Without a prophetic voice but he turned out to be metaphorically right. The temperature climbed as time went on until their motorbikes began to struggle with the heat.  
“We need to find shelter!” Karanor gasped, sweat soaking his clothes right through. The others nodded in agreement, or twitched from the heat stroke, but either way, Karanor found a deep enough cave so they could all hide from the sun. The relief was instantaneous and they collapsed in relief, the cool dirt and cold stone wonderful against their skin. After a few minutes Karanor got up and began to explore the cave and it wasn’t long before he realised that the cave was actually a passageway. “Guys! Come quick!” They didn’t but eventually they turned up and followed Karanor deeper in. The tunnel twisted and turned, and the deeper they went the more obvious the signs were; someone lived here. They carried on, passed the warning signs of skulls and lightning bolts until the tunnel opened up into a large underground hallway. It had windows cut into the sides and beams of light filled the entire place making it rather lovely. Cool enough to be comforting but not cold enough to get a nip on.  
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” a voice boomed out from everywhere. Except the longer #Legless listened, the more it seemed like it was multiple voices.  
“The one you will give your lives for!” Karanor replied, holding up the special gun #Belldron had given him.  
“NOT FUCKING LIKELY!” From all around, laughter sounded and the unmistakable sound of guns being loaded and then, presumably, being pointed at the three of them.  
“We just want to let you know, we’re not affiliated with this man” #Legless said as he and Jimmy stepped away from him.  
“TOO LATE!” #Legless threw his hands in the air.  
“Do you see what you did with your bullshit? Now we’re all gonna die!”  
“DIE? WAIT WHAT?” The laughter stopped and a few seconds later, hundreds of people began appearing from hidden doors scattered around the hall. They all dressed differently, looked different and acted different. But they all walked with the same confidant gait, had the same alertness to their features. There was no doubt, these were all soldiers.  
“Now” said the woman at the front of the group. “What is all this nonsense about dying?”  
“Well” #Legless began, “Our friend Karanor here is an asshole and we figured someone would eventually kill him but what we didn’t realise until just now was that we’d probably be killed by our proximity to him.”  
“OK but explain to Blanche, oh I’m Blanche by the way, why you’re in my house in the first place?”  
“I can answer that” Karanor said, jumping forwards. “We are here to enlist your aid with saving Londale.”  
“Woah woah woah! You don’t just go throwing around the ‘e’ word like that! You trying to start a rumble?”  
“Sorry. But I am summoning you to fulfil your debt!”  
“What debt?” Blanche asked, a smirk on her face. Karanor once again pulled out the special gun and showed it to Blanche. Her smirk didn’t vanish but it grew confused.  
“What is that?”  
“It’s a knife!”  
“That’s not a knife. It’s a spoon!”  
“Well I see you’ve played Knifey Spoony before!” Everyone laughed for a moment. “But seriously what is that?”  
“It’s the gun.”  
“Oh. THE gun. Can I see it?” Karanor, who didn’t see the harm in handing a live weapon to a stranger, gave it to her and was completely shocked when Blanche took it, pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger.  
The bang echoed for a while but eventually it faded into silence. Karanor stood there, cool as a cucumber silently thanking the one who controlled his life for giving him a nappy to wear under his clothes this day. For a moment it looked like the cracks in the wall behind Blanche spelt “you’re welcome”. Instead of a bullet, a roll of paper had exited from the barrel and fallen to the floor, Frowning now, Blanche picked up the paper and read the message on it twice before sighing. She turned and walked back through the door she’d exited from and all of her people followed her lead.  
“Don’t go! Fight with us! Please!” Karanor begged as they all left. “I will literally suck all of your dicks! Please!” No one took him up on the offer and Karanor sighed, heartbroken.  
“Are you sad because they won’t help us or because you won’t get to suck all of their dicks?” Jimmy asked. Before Karanor could reply, the building started to shake and fall apart.  
“SELF DESTRUCT ACTIVATED” the voice said, prompting all three to jump on their rides and get the fuck out.


	55. Chapter 55

Sally stood in her armour, which to her utter fucking disgust bared her midriff and chest, and watched the armies assemble on the Dramatic Fields in front of Sinusen Spirits. The suicide mission to recapture Hoesgilliath had gone tits up, the army was nowhere to be seen, and Windermore, having just been given the body of his second son, had completely lost his fucking mind and was currently standing on the wall of the highest level of the city trying to piss on the enemy.  
“Just you wait you fuckers, just you wait. When I can get this going you’ll all be so dead.” He kept trying to get a stream of urine going but nothing was happening. “It normally doesn’t take this long Sally” Windermore said as if embarrassed at his lack of performance. He rubbed and tugged and fondled so much and so hard that Sally was confused as to whether he was trying to piss or cum. But in the end he was able to do neither as Marion came up behind him and kicked his straight off the tower.  
“Saves us a lot of trouble doing that now” the Wizard said. “NOW PREPARE FOR BATTLE!”  
“Marion we have no army. Who’s going to prepare?” Sally reminded him.  
“The army is gone but there are a worryingly high number of prisoners arrested for minor crimes who are eligible for city service so we’re using those.” Sally was quiet for a second or two.  
“You’re talking about a slave army aren’t you?” The way Marion was umming and ahhing told Sally she was right. “Does the enemy use slaves?”  
“Technically no, but they’re super into genocide.” Sally sighed. So there were no good sides in this war. OK she could deal with that later as well. First she needed to survive and that meant getting into armour that didn’t expose her fucking heart to enemy fire. Once she was suitably armoured she gestured to Marion to lead the way.  
“Our slave army awaits.”  
They raced down the city, capturing as many slaves attempting to flee as they could and forcing them towards the wall where they all lined up and face the enemy who had brought every fucker then could and outnumbered the Londalians 10:1.  
“YOU WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR CITY!” Marion called out.  
“I am so sorry!” Sally said to anyone who would listen.  
“YOU WILL SHED YOUR BLOOD FOR YOUR CITY!”  
“Seriously I am so sorry.”  
“AND IF NEED BE YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS CITY!”  
“Just win the battle and I’ll get you all out.”  
“FOR LONDALE!” No one else cheered with Marion and no one put any weight behind Sally’s words and she didn’t blame them. They’d been arrested for being different and now they were forced to fight for those who’d imprisoned them. It was just shit pie with diarrhoea whipped cream on top. But there was no more time to think as the enemy began their attack.  
First they tried a DDOS attack on the Londalian servers but apart from knocking an eGamer off of his Fornite tournament, nothing really happened. Then they tried to reduce the value of the local currency but chronic mismanagement by the ruling party had done the damage for them. The Londalian Arkenstone was already a tenth of the value of the Annathalian credit. In the end the casually handsome general just let them attack Sinusen Spirits in the usual way and chaos ensued.  
RPGs were fired off from both sides causing terrible damage but not many casualties, which Sally thought lucky. She and the rest of her army were guarding a city that had at least seven levels almost directly above their heads. They were at greater risk from debris than from enemy fire. But for the time being, everyone was just shit at aiming. But things went bad when the Entourage showed up. All nine of them.  
The scream of the TIE fighters set every soldier running for cover but that wasn’t enough as the fighters began to open fire on the city causing the Jenga blocks to come crashing down on top of the soldiers hiding beneath them. Sally saw a group get horribly crushed and the blood seep out from beneath the block, trickling its way down the wall. Everyone was running everywhere but, credit where credit is due, Marion did everything he could to restore order.  
“KILL. THOSE. MOTHERFUCKERS!” He screamed over and over again using his questionable influence over the soldiers to keep them focused on the fight. Under cover of the airborne assault, the army of crackheads came closer until the towers they were pushing were in reach of the city wall. One by one the drawbridges were dropped and crackheads poured out of the towers and onto the city walls, immediately grappling with the soldiers. Now Sally knew, because they’d told her, that the soldiers who’d been press-ganged into serving in the army were really tempted to just let the enemy win. But they must’ve decided against it as when the crackheads set foot on the wall, the soldiers charged, screaming and firing weaponry. Patriotism, and the desire to remain unkilled, drove the soldiers to fight for their lives, because that was, of course, what they were doing. But no matter how hard they fought, there were too many crackheads for the soldiers to have a chance at winning. Slowly but surely they were getting pushed back. It wouldn’t be long before the wall was lost and Sally could see this happening which is why she told Marion, about it and, true to form, Marion ran away from the danger and Sally had no choice but to follow.  
They ran down from the wall and passed the courtyard just in time to see three Gearheads in full Under Armour break through the gates, wielding warhammers made from Olympic bars and 20kg plates.  
“The city is breached! Fall back to the second level!” Marion cried out, not breaking stride as he sprinted away from the enemy.


	56. Chapter 56

The battle was not going well. That was an obvious truth that applied to every single battle that had ever taken place. No battle went well for all sides involved and if it did then then one of those sides was doing something wrong. But this battle, taking place on the Dramatic Fields for the city of Sinusen Spirits was not going well for the people of Londale. Their city was in ruins and parts were on fire. It was a tragedy because the ruined parts that had been set ablaze were the affluent, caucasian areas. The city’s population count was dropping by the second as was their prisoner count which was terrible for white-economic reasons. Their political leader who had risen to power under dubious circumstances, had been missing since before the battle had begun and the oldest building in the city had a hole in its roof and a gooey mess beneath it that no one wanted to clean up. Especially now since there was a battle going on.  
The crackheads had reached to the fourth level of the city and were hammering on the doors to the fifth. The remaining soldiers were gathered, waiting for the inevitable moment where the doors would fail and the enemies would pour through. Marion and Sally were huddled behind the group of soldiers discussing matters of great import.  
“So the thing about the vampires is that we need to stake them directly into the heart. Anything else will not even phase them” the wizard said, as he demonstrated his telescopic stake.  
“You know vampires aren’t real right?” Sally told him but he just rolled his eyes and smirked upwards as if he was sharing a secret with the sky.  
“Don’t worry about it. But we need to move, we’re just getting in the way here. We’ll go around.”  
“Are you sure? It seems safer to stay with the soldiers.”  
“We need to go around. Trust me.” Sally did not, in any way, trust him but she followed him because he was moving away from the threat. She followed him as they travelled through the city, under arches and over bridges until they stopped dead as the TIE fighter carrying the leader of the Entourage descended from the sky and landed in front of the two. “Here we go” Sally heard him say to himself. The screaming from the aircraft was almost deafening, forcing Sally backwards but Marion simply put earplugs in and kept walking forwards.  
“You can’t win against us!” The leader of the Entourage spat as he climbed out of his TIE fighter, his crisp suit uncreased and his hair slicked back with the tears of a thousand minorities. “We’re gonna win this because we have it!”  
“What do you have?” Marion asked still walking closer.  
“IT! Pizzazz! Vavavoom! Pinash!”  
“Are you having a stroke?” Marion asked with what seemed like genuine concern but the Fixer waved his question away.  
“Strokes are for left-wing liberal do-gooders and leaders of the gay agenda!” This caught even Marion by surprise, pushing him back a step causing him to stumble on the pebble he hadn’t noticed. Most people wouldn’t have fallen because of a pebble but Marion wasn’t most people. Sally sighed and walked forwards to help him up. “Woah stay back you slut! This is a stand-my-ground country! So I will shoot you! Unless you wanna go on a date with me because you’re pretty hot. But not hot enough to have an ego. You’re pretty ugly actually. But you should still go out with me. Or at least let me get you a drink from the bar while you stay here.” Sally didn’t have time nor the inclination to unpack all that so she ignored him and carried on towards Marion. “I knew it! You stuck up bitch! Ignoring me after I was so nice to you! So polite and respectful! I knew it all along, women don’t want a nice guy like me!” Sally sighed and was about to reach for her gun to shoot him when she heard the revving of engines. Leaving Marion on the floor because at that moment she was just done with men, she walked over to the wall and watched as thousands of motorbikes crested the hills to the East of the city.  
Yeah that’s right.  
Help came from the East.  
Fuck this Western saviour narrative.


	57. Chapter 57

Broden looked over the Dramatic Fields at the thousands upon thousands of crackheads and gearheads and the almost obscene amount of equipment they’d brought with them.  
“Alright! Let’s get ready to do this!” His smile was not infectious and everyone with him was considering turning around. But the knowledge that if they didn’t stop this evil here it would spread until it reached their front doors kept them where they were. That and the fact they didn’t have enough fuel to get back home and they needed the filling station on the other side of Sinusen Spirits. But those who survived would mention the first part. It was good enough to be cool but not too good to be a nerd. “Bromer you go on that side, Grimbro you go down the other side and Broling you follow me and do what I do. Don’t be scared, it’s gonna be great!”  
His generals weren’t as suicidal as the king but nor were they as realistic as the general soldiers. They fell somewhere in the region of cautious optimism so when they rode off to their ill-defined areas, it was with a small smile and the belief that it wouldn’t be fun but that they’d win.  
“My guys!” Broden called out. “My guys. I’m so happy that you’re here with me for this. It wouldn’t be the same without you. Just like Card Against Humanity and orgies, when it comes to war it’s the more the merrier. So we’re gonna go down there and fuck these guys up and it’ll be epic!”  
“But what if we die?” One of them shouted out from the back.  
“If? We’re all gonna die my man. Here and now, or tomorrow in the club. We’re gonna die. It’s the only thing that’s guaranteed from the moment we’re born! So don’t worry about if you’re gonna die, worry about how. Me? I’m gonna die down there, fighting to save the world. Why? Because I’m a badass. That’s why.” In that moment Broden reminded them all why they followed him. He wasn’t the smartest guy in the room even when he was by himself. But every now and then he was truly inspirational. When he turned and revved his engines, every Brohirrim behind him answered his call because in that moment, they’d have died for him. Then the moment passed.  
The roar of engines was deafening and the pollution was awful. Three soldiers collapsed from extreme acute hypoxia before they even started to move, but move they did. The whole army began to roll down the hill, at first coasting in neutral but slowly building up speed. When they were close enough the enemy fired their first volly and many fell. But they continued to ride. The second volly dropped even more but still they rode. And then the crackheads of Happyland had to reload because they were using old-timey muskets for some reason. That was when the Brohirrim crashed into the crackheads, riding over them to the crunching of bones and screams of pain.  
They passed in front of the city like a wave of water, washing it clean of the enemy and sending them running back to where they’d come from. The riders cheered while their enemies died a slow, painful death behind them and ran away in front of them. The cheering stopped quickly when they saw what was coming at them.  
Monster trucks. Loaded with crackheads who were dripping with weaponry. Everyone looked at Broden, waiting to see what he’d do. Turns out the answer was to smile.  
“Alright! Ramps in front, flyers behind, rest of us aim for the suspension. Let’s go!” With another cheer for their king, the Brohirrim charged forwards causing the trucks to speed up as well. Bikes with ramps trailing behind took the lead with smaller bikes with tinier riders, designed to get airborne, following at a good distance. Just before the two sides clashed, the flyers accelerated hard and launched themselves off the ramps and into the air. Shots fired and several truck drivers died, forcing their co-drivers to take over. But on the other side many riders were crushed by the gigantic wheels that rode right over them without stopping.  
The battlefield became chaos.  
Trucks rode around in circles doing doughnuts on the squashed bodies of Brohirrim. The air was full of flyers flying and firing at the same time. And right there in the middle Broden was trying to keep his troops in line.  
“Come on guys have fun with it! Be in the moment!” Broden tried his hardest to live in the moment but that was made harder when a TIE fighter dropped out of the sky with a scream and landed directly on him. In cruel irony, now it was Broden slowly dying having been crushed by the enemy when only minutes ago it was the crackheads. The leader of the Entourage walked out of the ship and sneered down at the dying man.  
“That’s what you get for being directly under where I park my ride!” He held up his hands which were literally covered in blood. “EVERYTHING IS SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT BUT MINE!” He roared out.  
“Ohmygodthatwasmyuncleandhewassupposedtogivemeawayatmyweddingnowillnevergetmarriedandthisisallyourfault!” The fixer heard the long string of words smushed together to become gibberish and turned just in time to see a rider swing at him with a sword. He jumped back, anger erupting on his face.  
“How dare you attack me unprovoked! Here I am trying to help this man who threw himself under my fighter as I was parking and you attack me?” The rider swung again but this time the fixer only laughed. “You think you can kill me?” he asked. “I’m in a better demographic than you are!” The rider took off their helmet to reveal it was Browyn all along.  
“I am a middle aged white woman! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!” Fear ran down the fixers spine as the Karen attacked but before he could dodge, Terry stabbed him in the taint. The pain was unbearable until Browyn stabbed him in the eye, at which point he would have happily returned to the time when he just had a knife in his taint. But then he died and that was that.


	58. Chapter 58

On the other side of the fields where the river flowed passed the city, a group of crackheads had gathered to meet their secret reinforcements. A bunch of sailors who’d been hired for the low, low price of a place to live. They were pirates and as such, were not welcome on land. And while they enjoyed the pirate life, they wanted a home of their own. Olion bought their loyalty for a coastal city that didn’t even belong to him.  
The crackheads waited on the docks, unaware of how badly the battle was going for them. They were being butchered but all they wanted was to relax in the sun. Because the moment those diasporic bastards rocked up they’d be back to work. And sure enough, just as they got comfy, the boats floated into the harbour. The crackhead in charge sighed.  
“Well come on then, I haven’t got all day.” The words had barely left his mouth when a man, an Instagrelf and a dwarf jumped over the sides of the ship. “Huh I didn’t realise you were multiracial pirates. Good for you. Now lets get to work!”  
“We’re not the pirates” the man said.  
“Of course you are. You just got off a pirate ship. Ergo you’re pirates.”  
“We took the pirate ship from the pirates and used it to make our way here.”  
“Oh really?” the crackhead laughed. “You three took over this entire fleet of pirates ships by yourself?”  
“No. I used an army.”  
“Which army?”  
“This army!” From the first ship to dock, soldiers started jumping over the railing and landing dramatically on the pier. The grins faded quickly when the first group had gotten off but now they had to wait for all the other ships to sail up to the dock and unload their human cargo. It took them a good few hours to assemble all of them together by which point the battle for Sinusen Spirits had already been won by the pale faces.  
“Well we said we’d fight this battle and the battle is over” the leader of the veterans said. “Let’s go back home people!”  
“But we self-destructed our home!”  
“Oh yeah…Lets become pirates!” They all roared their approval and far quicker than they got off, they boarded the boats and sailed away to terrorise the open see while Karanor watched, his jaw wide open, as his city was saved without him and his plan to save the day turned out to be pretty pointless.


	59. Chapter 59

Dodo and Boggle rested just before the mouth of the secret tunnel they’d been travelling towards for so long. Now that they were here, Dodo was relieved. It was all over. Now he just had to go through the tunnels, travel through Happyland and…destroy the Thing? That was it right? He was supposed to destroy it, he was sure of it.  
Boggle jumped to his feet and pulled Dodo up as well.  
“Come on now. We have to get moving! The sooner we start, the sooner we get you kill— I mean the sooner we get there.”  
“You sound so honest and it makes me want to trust you. So I will.” They got up and headed into the dark tunnel and got like thirty feet before Boggle kicked Dodo in the back, launching him into a snare. Dodo landed on the ground then was immediately flipped into the air where he remained dangling from a rope. “Boggle! My friend! I tripped and I need help! Save me!” He swing his arms around, trying to grab hold of anything that would help him get down but there was nothing.  
“Don’t bother trying” Boggle said. “I made sure that was the perfect place for the trap when I set it up!”  
“Set it up? Old buddy, that almost sounds like you set this trap up.” Boggle sighed, growing tired of this game.   
“I did set the trap up. I intend to let you die at the hands of the evil creature that lives here.”  
“Boggle. Friend. What are you saying?” The skeletal figure dragged a hand down over his face and walked away from this nonsense.  
“I’ll see you later when you’re dead to take the Thing back from your corpse.” Of everything he’d said, that was what ripped Dodo out of his funk.  
“The Thing? My Thing? You’ll get your hands on my Thing over my dead body!”  
“That’s the point!” Boggle called out over his shoulder but the frantic sounds of struggle turned made him turn around and he watched as Dodo cut the rope with his sword and fell to the ground. “Oh shit!”  
“I’ll kill you, you bastard!”. Dodo ran at Boggle who scampered away deeper into the tunnels, chased by a mad man with a sword. They ran in circles for several minutes before Dodo finally managed to grab the bastard and slammed him up against the wall, sword to his neck. “Any last words?”  
“Would you believe that I was forced into it? By the Thing?”  
“You sonofabitch I would! Welcome back old friend!” Dodo let him drop and pulled him in for a hug but Boggle kicked him once more except this time he aimed for his dick. That was his mistake as any porn actor will instinctively protect their meal ticket. Dodo grabbed the foot and swung Boggle right into the trash chute that was next to the giant evil chicken.  
“Yeah that’s what you ge—what the fuck? Is that a chicken?”  
“SQUAAWWK!” Dodo took that as a yes and ran like hell. Everyone knew that chickens were descended from dinosaurs. Combine that with the bloodlust in it’s eyes and the fact that it was about three times as big as Dodo, he wasn’t taking his chances. Dodo sprinted blindly through what he now realised was a coop. The straw everywhere should’ve been a dead giveaway but it wasn’t because he couldn’t see it. It was completely dark. He huddle in what he thought was a corner and rummaged through his pockets before pulling out the Powerball #Limaelania had given him. It took him a few tries to get it started but finally it was spinning.  
But there was no light.  
“I know how to finger dammit!” He tried harder, pride and survival on the line before a faint white light came from the Powerball just in time to illuminate the chicken wing slamming him into the wall. Dodo immediately fell unconscious, the Powerball rolling away from his limp fingers because, as the name implied, it was a ball. The chicken moved to sit on Dodo, warming him up before eating him because there was nothing worse that a cold meal. The Powerball continued to roll until it was stopped and picked up. It began to move, then whir, before spinning as fast as it possible could, filling the entire area with a soft but bright white light.  
Wham stood there, sword in one hand and Powerball proving he could satisfy a woman in the other.  
“Stop sitting on his face” he said, raising the blade.  
“SQUAAWWK!” The chicken said before sprinting at him. Wham dived to the side, swinging with his sword and scoring a hit. Dark red blood began to coat its feathers and the hatred in its dark, cold eyes intensified. It charged again, wings spread wide, beak thrusting forwards leaving Wham no option but to dive under it, stabbing upwards and moving towards its ass, blade still buried deep. Its guts spilled out on the ground and this time it screamed in pain, flopping around as its life drained away. Wham stood over it as it lay dying.  
“Suck my Kentucky Fried Dick” he said just before he took it’s head off. It bounced then rolled to the other side of the tunnel but Wham had already taken the Thing from Dodo’s groaning body. “Well you’re clearly dead” he said as he batted away Dodo’s grasping hands. “I guess it’s up to me to save the world by myself.”  
“Wham? That you?” Dodo groaned.  
“Rest in peace old friend.” Wham walked away and had only gotten a mile or so down the road before stopping and sighing. He turned back but Dodo had vanished. Which was impossible because Wham had tied him down with BDSM+ level knots. “No way he got out of them without help. Someone took him!” Wham followed the tracks, racing through the tunnels before coming out of another exit and saw a group of crackheads and methheads carrying Dodo up to a tower. “I can’t imagine” Wham said to himself, “that a tower found on the Secret Path of Death and Torture is gonna be a nice place.”  
“When we get this guy to the top of the tower, I’m gonna cut his dick off and stick it on my own!” Rousing cheers from the rest of the crackheads for a plan that just wouldn’t work. There was no viable option to increase ones penis size. Tiny Terry kept up to date with every development in that area. Wham sighed again.  
“I’m coming Dodo…that’s not what she said. Still got it!”


	60. Chapter 60

Wham followed the crackheads until they walked through the gate to the Tower grounds. It was full of enemies. Which wasn’t that surprising since it was a military fortification behind enemy lines. At least, Wham thought he was behind enemy lines. He wasn’t entirely sure where the border of Happyland really was but he didn’t think these crackheads would care all too much about a border while they were castrating him as well. He stayed a little away, just at the last turn before he’d be in full sight of the tower. It was teeming with crackheads and methheads and he watched as the group with Dodo, got into the glass elevator and went straight to the top floor. Wham sighed and started trying to think of a plan to save that idiot. At this point he didn’t really care about the man but he knew that apathy would fade later when Sally beat the shit out of him for letting Dodo die.  
Wham heard noises behind him and ducked away, only to see a single crackhead walking his way. Making a snap decision, Wham pounced, stabbing him and knocking him to the floor. He cried out in pain.  
“Oh God what did you do? You’ve killed me! I’ll never see my baby again. Who’s going to show my son how to be a man now that I’m gone? He’ll lash out, become violent and then the system will take him and never let him go. He’ll think his father betrayed him and left. And my wife! She learned to love again after watching her entire family die at the hands of a Londalian assassination unit! She’ll never recover from this! All I wanted was to provide for them. That’s why I took this job as a janitor for the Tower. To put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads! I’d even saved enough money to move us away from the violence. So our son could grow up happy and not stigmatised for what he looks like! You’ve robbed me of my life and in doing so you’ve robbed two innocent souls of their future. I can forgive you murdering me because I will not pass into the beyond with rage in my heart. But I’ll never forgive you for what you did to my family.” Wham watched, horrified, as the crackhead died.  
He stumbled around, threw up twice, wept for several minutes and threw up again. After he was done he took the crackheads clothes and don the disguise, using the helmet to cover his still-crying eyes. He walked over and entered the Tower and was hailed by cheers.  
“It’s Mike! Mike’s here! Thank you so much for the kidney you gave my baby girl! Because of you she’ll live a long life!” One by one, crackheads came up to him to thank him for various acts of kindness Mike had performed and with every story, Wham wept harder even as he nodded thanks on behalf of the nicest being who’d ever lived. His disguise got him passed every security guard without trouble which was good because Wham didn’t think he’d ever be able to pick up a blade ever again. Finally he reached the top of the tower just in time to see a crackhead holding Dodo’s dick in one hand and a knife in the other.  
“Wait!” he called out. Everyone in the room looked at him and Wham’s fingers touched his sword before immediately recoiling. “Don’t do this. Please. For me?” The silence was brutal but eventually everyone smiled.  
“Mike if you don’t want us to chop his dick off then that’s exactly what we’re not going to do. Come on let’s get a beer and celebrate Mike! It’s not every day a crackhead saves five children from a house fire!”  
“Mike! Mike! Mike!” they chanted as they left the room. Wham pretended to join in but doubled back and freed Dodo.  
“Wake the fuck up man we gotta get outta here!” Wham slapped Dodo’s testicles and he immediately regained consciousness only to vomit from pain. “Good. Let’s go!”  
“Wham? Where are we? What’s going on?” Dodo asked, groggy from the beating he’d taken at the hands of a chicken.  
“We’re in a tower. I killed the greatest being in history. We need to leave. Now! Take the fucking Thing and let’s go!” Wham snapped, throwing the Thing at him and dragging the Hobbit to his feet. Dodo was full of questions but Wham had no answers and just dragged him down the side of the Tower before they dropped the final few feet and sprinted away. As they ran Wham heard someone cry out.  
“THEY KILLED MIKE!” screaming and shouting followed them before the fight broke out as everyone decided to avenge Mike. Before long the Tower was silent as the last crackhead took his breath.  
Wham turned around just before the Tower vanished from sight.  
“I’m sorry Mike” he whispered before catching up with Dodo as they both headed towards the next tower. The tower that mattered. Olion’s tower.


	61. Chapter 61

The armies marched forwards. It had been several days since the battle and very little had changed. The wreckage from the battle still hadn’t been cleaned up but that was because the cleaning union was on strike for hazard pay. They argued that cleaning up all the weapons and burning vehicles, not to mention the enemies who were only pretending to be dead, was grounds for extra money. Negotiations had been stalled as city officials looked for Windermore as he liked to handle these things but he was nowhere to be found. And Marion and Sally weren’t talking despite having been questioned as the last people to see him alive. A stalemate had formed between the Londallian unions and the government which once Windermore had vanished, had begun to act rather aimless.  
Enter Karanor.  
He introduced himself as a consultant politician with experience breaking these sorts of stalemates. He convinced the spineless council to give him temporary authority before using that authority to restore the monarchy and dissolve parliament. The outcry was very limited as most people didn’t know it had happened and by the time the citizens of Sinusen Spirits was made aware, two more high-profile atrocities had been committed which pushed the monarchy to the the bottom of everyone’s newsfeed.  
Karanor took charge and to everyones surprise actually did things well. He reduced corruption and immoral behaviour and insisted that dead bodies get buried or cremated. Anything except embalmed and entombed in a glass coffin as a part of the decor. This was his first order of business after seeing what was next to his throne.  
His second was to restore the lost arts of healing to the city. This was far simpler because the previous rulers had systematically slashed any and all funding for the local hospitals which Karanor restored. Allowing hospitals to stop reusing needles and other equipment. The mortality rate dropped literally overnight and papercuts were no longer classed a terminal injury. He opened up the treasury to rebuild the homes that were destroyed in the battle and to hire the contractors needed to build them quickly so that the injured would have somewhere to go home to. Basically he did everything he could to make sure anyone who couldn’t fight was taken care of. Then he asked everyone else to armour up. They had one more battle left.  
The armies marched on towards the Gloryhole, the last battle of this whole story. Karanor, relieved once again to be thematically necessary, was every inch the glorious leader of ages passed. He led from the front, sitting tall and strong on his bike, gun at his waist and sword on his back. He was a king and everyone knew it; they’d been informed of his change of status earlier that day. #Legless rode a little behind him, live streaming on Instagram. His first activity in over a year. Comments and questions were pouring in from his beloved fans.  
Where had he been?  
They thought he was dead!  
Their lives were so empty in his absence!  
#Legless turned the camera on himself.  
“It warms my heart to hear from all my Lego’s. I’ve missed you all so much! It’s been a hell of a year but boy do I have some content for you people! You’ll see the whole truth as seen and shot by me. But this is the last piece of the game which is why I’m coming to you sober. We’re marching to the Gloryhole to confront Olion! Yeah you heard right! This is an all or nothing gambit so I may die. But regardless of whatever happens, all my footage will be uploaded tonight at midnight. Happy watching!”

The Gloryhole appeared slowly in their view as they rounded the final corner. The colours were garish and the happy stains on the outside did nothing to make them feel better. But it was on the hole itself that everyone focused their attention. Karanor, #Legless, Jimmy, Marion, Bromer, Sally and Terry rode up to it and knocked twice.  
“Get the fuck out here you little bitch!” Karanor called out. There was no reply so he knocked again. “I’m gonna keep knocking you yeast-infected cunt! Come face me!” finally the hole opened up and someone walked out. But it wasn’t Olion.  
“So you’re here” the figure said. “And you’re being so rude! Here at Happyland we don’t like that sort of language.” The figure was dressed head to toe in rainbow colours to the point where he looked like a walking Pride flag. Which was absurd and nauseating given his white supremacist affiliations.  
“But you’re OK with words like genocide and supremacy right?” Jimmy asked.  
“Enough! We have a message for your boss. He needs to step down from Happyland, leave and never return!” Marion demanded.  
“That’s a hard no from us but please feel free to try our special of the day at the Happyland world famous Bistro. It’s spaghetti and Hobbit balls!” everyone flinched. “Oh didn’t I mention? We caught your Hobbit! It’s over. He’s done.” The figure tossed something shiny at Marion who caught it then immediately tossed it to Sally when he saw what it was.  
“Dodo’s golden butt plug” she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. Everyone stared at Sally as she hugged the item close, equal parts disgusted and distraught. Karanor pulled his gun out but the figures head was blown off as he raised his weapon. Everyone turned to see Terry, holding Jimmy’s shotgun, glaring at the now-corpse on the floor.  
“Fuck this guy” he said. Alarms started to sound from Happyland and the team retreated to the main body of the army who were starting to look nervous.  
“Steady everyone! Steady!” Karanor called out as he rode back to the front. Sitting on a bike in front of an army on his feet put him way too low so he leapt onto #Legless’s bike and had him ride back and forth. “Steady! This is not the time to get nervous. The time to get nervous was before we set out. The time to get nervous was before the battle. The time to get nervous was before you were born! But you’re alive, here in this world! You’re here in this fight! You’re here to make a difference and where better to make a difference than right here, where the future will be decided? You may not live to see tomorrow but the consequences of your actions today will ripple down time until the sun grows cold! So don’t be nervous! Be excited! And fight! Fight for those who will never know your name! Fight for those who will never know you existed! Fight for those who won’t know anything, because here, today, you gave everything!” The cheers were deafening and for the first time, Karanor felt like a King. Then he turned and saw the entire Happyland army and felt like shitting himself.


	62. Chapter 62

“Come on Dodo, we’re almost at the tower” Wham encouraged the flagging Hobbit behind him. Dodo had become steadily weaker, the closer they got to Olion’s tower. Now there were only a few blocks away and it was all he could do to put one foot in front of the other. But Wham wasn’t much better. He was struggling as well but he tried not to show it. Because he was selfless like that. “We can do this. We just have to believe!” Dodo slumped against the nearest wall.  
“Carry me” he wheezed.  
“I’ve been carrying you since you asked me to produce your films. This you can do on your own. Come on!” Harsh truths got the Hobbit moving where nothing else would and together they stumbled towards Olions tower. The landscape was vast but deserted. They’d both expected there to be thousands upon thousands of crackheads but to their surprise and joy, there were none. It took hours but they reached the entrance to Olions tower and the door was wide open. “Well this is ominous. Let’s hope Olion isn’t home!” They both shared a tired laughter that trailed off as they realised that neither of them knew anything about where Olion was supposed to be. With a sigh, Wham lead the way into the building and was met with even further bad news.  
The elevators were out of order.  
“How high is this tower again?” Wham asked his friend.  
“Hundred stories” came the reply.  
“And where do we have to go?”  
“Top floor.” Wham nodded, resigned to his fate.  
“Well we might as well get started then.” They were making good progress and had reached the tenth floor, assuming the numbers painted on the stairwell walls were correct, when Boggle launched himself at Dodo from the shadows.

The army slowly exited the Gloryhole and surrounded Karanor and his suddenly emasculated force. A sense of impotency descended upon every man there. A feeling of limpness as they softened before their enemy. Their weapons flagging and dropping lower and lower. Karanor, sensing the emotions infecting his army, stepped forwards, drawing all attention back to him. Weapons stirred, rising a little as their owners watched him. Pride swelled as they watched a man who’d called himself king stand against an immortal evil. A high-pitched moaning filled the air and everyone watched as Karanor hurriedly grabbed his phone and answered to silence his ring tone which was clearly the sounds of a woman climaxing. Some people lost a bit of respect for their king while others gained a little so it averaged out fine in the battle-exit poles.  
“Hello? Yes this is he. I’m a little busy righ—.OK I understand that but can you call bac—. Actually that is a good deal. Yeah I’d like to know more.” Silence on his end while Karanor listened to the details. “That is pretty good. I will definitely think about it and get back to you. You have my email? Yeah that’s the one. Send me your details by email and I’ll get back to you. Thanks, you too. Bye.” Karanor hung up and put his phone away.  
“Who the hell was that?” Jimmy demanded.  
“Olion” Karanor replied, turning around with an odd look on his face. No one knew how to react.  
“What do you mean Olion?” Sally followed up.  
“He said we could share the rule of the world if I surrendered to him.”  
“No self-respecting Dom shares rule with their Sub.” Terry pointed out but Karanor didn’t seem to hear. A look grew on his face. A look that said he was tempted and would fall to the temptation of the offer. Then he winked.  
“For me!” he whispered, before charging the enemy all alone. But he wasn’t alone for long. Sally and Terry followed him, then shamed by the Hobbits everyone else followed, charging the enemy and roaring as loudly as they could. 

Wham lunged forwards and ripped the bastard away from the other bastard and started boot-stomping the little-dicked bastard in the stomach.  
“I am sick of your shit!” Wham froze in the act of attempted murder as Dodo got to his feet and turned around. For a moment he had no idea what he’d do but a small smile grew on Dodo’s face and Wham roared in triumph. Wham picked Boggle up over his head and threw him down several flights of stairs. “AND I AM NOT FAT!!” He began to follow but saw Dodo sprinting upwards. “Oh fuck!” He chased after him as fast as he could, using his pornstar stamina to keep going. Sex was great cardio after all.  
Wham caught up as Dodo reached the sixty ninth floor, and after they’d both taken a picture with it, they carried on sprinting up. But no matter how good a pornstar you were, no one was sprinting up a hundred floors after weeks of constant travelling and little food. Wham collapsed on the ninety fifth floor but Dodo, possessed by a desire to see this thing done, carried on. Trudging up step by step. Wham took a short break before continuing up and found his way to the Penthouse suite. He walked right in and the first thing he noticed was the view. It was pretty spectacular if you ignored the battle being fought in the distance. Probably where all the crackheads were, he thought to himself.  
The second thing he noticed was the immense heat, because Dodo was standing in front of the open furnace, staring at the Thing he held in one hand as if it were the most important thing in the world. Which at that moment, it was.  
“Dodo, what are you waiting for? Throw it in the fire!”  
“About that…I don’t think I will.” Dodo looked back at Wham and in that moment Wham didn’t recognise his friend. “The Thing is mine!” it was at that point that the situation went from bad to worse when Boggle crept up behind Wham and smacked him in the head with a computer monitor.

The battle was going poorly, which really was no surprise. They were outnumbered and outgunned, and on enemy territory. It was never going to go well. But then it got even worse when their air support turned up. TIE fighters, eight of them screamed their way towards the battlefield. Everyone panicked except Marion who spoke into his radio.  
“You have a go!”  
“Understood. Scorched Earth is a go!” came the reply over the radio, freaking Marion out.  
“NO! SCORCHED EARTH IS NOT A GO!”  
“Wawowewa!” Marion sighed and put the radio away, watching as the TIE fighters got closer and closer and just as they were about to open fire on them all, the X-Wings turned up.  
“Red five standing by!”  
“Red three standing by!”  
“Blue seven standing by!”  
“Blue penis standing by!”  
“We told you to get that checked Stefan!”  
“WILL YOU JUST FUCKING KILL THEM!” Marion screamed into the radio at the various voices who were chiming in.  
“Roger that. Engaging.” They opened fire, scattering the enemy squadron as they panicked and ran. They’d never faced any opposition in the air before. Turns out they’d never trained for resistance which was funny when you thought about it.

Wham came to, groggy and with a massive headache as he saw Boggle and Dodo going toe-to-toe right in front of a wide open, roaring furnace. To him that didn’t seem safe, but to him the lights were pulsing like it was a rave so he wasn’t able to describe the risks as eloquently as he’d like.  
“Erargheeha” he slurred at them. He continued to look on, his head throbbing as they wrestled for the Thing and saw Boggle rip the Thing out of Dodo’s hand so viciously that he stumbled backwards and fell into the furnace, taking the Thing with him.  
“NOOO!” Dodo screamed racing up to the furnace just in time to watch the Thing breakdown. Wham saw it as well as he stood up and headed over to the furnace and saw Dodo staring into the fire with a look of extreme self-loathing on his face. Wham slowly closed and locked the furnace grate.  
“No…just no. Let’s just go.” Dodo nodded and they both turned away, supporting each other as they hobbled away.  
A loud explosion sounded from behind them and they turned to see the furnace growing hotter and start to become volatile. Then they heard similar sounds coming from elsewhere in the building. They sprinted away, injuries forgotten as they tried to outrun the destruction. They got two floors down before the stairs became impassable and were forced upwards onto the roof. From there they had a view of the whole of Happyland.  
And it was falling apart.

An explosion in the distance stopped the gearhead from crushing Karanors skull under his Gymshark shoes. He rotated his entire body because his neck was too thick to turn before seeing what was happening and sprinting away. Unfortunately gearheads weren’t known for their intensive cardio routine and he was out of breath after ten steps. Everyone else was entranced by the sheer destruction that was taking place way over there. Marion watched, tears in his eyes as the various rides and attractions that had been built as part of the rebranding campaign for Happyland began to collapse. Jimmy was ecstatic, #Legless livestreamed the whole damn thing, Karanor was on the ground as he was in too much pain to get back up while Sally and Terry cheered. Then the top floor of Olions tower exploded, blowing out all the windows and everyone went quite except Jimmy who hooted at the spectacle.  
“What?” he asked when everyone glared at him silently. “What!”

Wham and Dodo stood on top of the building, staring at the destruction around them.  
“I can’t believe we did it. It’s finally over!” Dodo said. Wham simply turned to him and waited. And waited. And waited. Eventually Dodo turned to look at Wham. “Too self-congratulatory?” Wham nodded and Dodo sighed. “I’m sorry Wham. I fucked up. I thought I had a good grip on things but I was in too deep. You saved me Wham. You saved the whole world. Thank you.” Wham waited a little longer then smiled.  
“You’re welcome Dodo.” Friends once again, they stood arm in arm at the end of the world. Both leaning on each other as the whole ordeal had been physically and emotionally draining. They went from standing to leaning against each other to sitting shoulder-to-shoulder to unconscious on the ground. As such, they didn’t see the X-Wings approach.


	63. Chapter 63

Dodo awoke in a room that glowed with a beautiful light. There was white everywhere and the first person he saw was Marion. He sighed.  
“I knew it. I died.” Marion looked shocked.  
“What?”  
“I’m dead. I knew it. I was so injured, so tired. I’m OK with this though you know? I didn’t exactly act with honour at the end of it all. Hell even in the run up to the end I was all over the place. I hope Wham survived though. He’s a good man. The best man. I hope he’s happy. And I hope Sally can move on. I loved her so much and I’ll miss her but this is heaven and I’ll be fine. I hope she is too.” Dodo looked at Marion and smiled, feeling a weight being lifted. He would have loved to survive but there was something peaceful about death.  
“OK first of all you’re not dead. But thanks for asking me how I am and how I’ve been here in the afterlife. Thanks for caring you know?”  
“What do you mean I’m not dead?”  
“You’re not dead and this isn’t heaven. You’re alive.” Dodo was nonplussed.  
“But how are you here?” the Hobbit asked.  
“I had an extra life.”  
“Oh. Well you can’t really blame me for assuming I’m dead when I wake up in a beautiful, white room with a dead man.”  
Dodo didn’t know how to feel at that point but then Sally ran through the door and tackled him which made him feel a lot better about being alive. Terry closely followed and then the rest of the gang turned up. Karanor, #Legless and Jimmy. Wham sent a note saying he was glad Dodo was awake but he needed some alone time. Dodo didn’t blame him. After catching up with the gang, they left him and Sally alone who took the opportunity to return his golden butt plug at the best possible moment. “I wondered where that had gotten to!” he gasped as they lay there sweaty and naked.

The day after was Karanor’s coronation and it was the most popular royal event in centuries. It was also the only royal event in centuries. Everyone in Sinusen Spirits showed up and there was some grumbling and general discontent about the resurrection of the monarchy until they learned it was a mostly empty position. Turns out Sally and Terry had drafted the official paperwork reinstating the system and he hadn’t read the documents before signing and proclaiming them law. He didn’t learn about this for a while. Karanor had accepted his crown and was walking among his new subjects when #Legless turned up with an entourage of other Instagelfs. Karanor went to greet his friend but #Legless jumped back, making sure to keep his phone steady as he recorded Karanor’s reaction. Confused, the King looked around until he saw her.  
#Tharnen. Just as beautiful as the day he’d ghosted her.  
Karanor smiled and lunged forwards, tongue first, at #Tharnen while her father watched, proud as she was orally penetrated. They continued the rest of the tour until they came to the Hobbits who were trying to remain unnoticed. Not one of them bowed to King Karanor who was clearly expecting them to do so. Eventually he huffed and dragged #Tharnen away so others could suitably respect the throne.  
“I’m guessing you haven’t told him he legally can’t do anything without your written approval?” Terry asked Sally who shook her head.  
“Nah I’ll wait till after his honeymoon. He won’t be able to get it up otherwise.”

The Hobbits eventually returned to the Choir and everyone was so happy to see them again. They’d all seen #Legless’s posts documenting the quest that he’d finally released pushing him to the top of the rankings. The endorsement gigs rolled in but he was very selective. Only picking ones he believed in or who were willing to pay for his wedding to Jimmy. The rest of the Hobbits were more concerned about what their friends had been through with Rosebud Cotton diving at Whams crotch the moment he got off his bike. It was several months before they announced their wedding. Dodo and Sally’s own wedding was a much quieter and reserved affair.  
Life settled in the Choir. Dodo retired acting soon after the wedding. His dick may have been in it but his heart wasn’t so he moved to directing and producing, moving up the chain at SBM in a way Dildo never had. Sally’s sales dropped after revealing that her moisture problems had gone away but as she was the secret leader of Londale, it was a massive relief. Terry continued moving from strength to strength in his career and also in a weird twist of fate, became best friends with King Bromer of Brohan. His influence over the King was useful as he and Sally were able to usher in an era of peace never before seen. They were also able to abolish slavery and fuck over the rich white people who wanted to keep it in place. Wham and Rosebud kept on acting but with the addition of couple stuff. And not just porn videos but happy, cutesy looks into their personal lives. This actually became more popular than their porn and they became the new heads of SBM’s Health and Wellbeing division. Hiring staff to create content for everything from dating to friendships and family life.

Marion and Dildo eventually ended up leaving the land, sailing away to some private club that didn’t explicitly say “white people only” but Dildo had to go as a member’s plus one so…there’s that. The four Hobbits made plans to see them off and they all gathered on the docks where the boat was waiting.  
“We’ve come a long way” Marion said to them all. “But it was all leading here. It’s time Dodo.” Everyone looked at Dodo who looked very confused.  
“Time for what?” he asked.  
“For you to come with us” Marion replied, gesturing at the boat where #Belldron, #Limelaenia, her husband and Dildo were waiting.  
“Why would I be going with you?” the Hobbit asked. The other three looking between Dodo and Marion like it was a tennis match.  
“Because you have found no peace here and need to leave behind the memories of your terrible endeavour?” Marion explained like Dodo was slow.  
“That sounds like you’re projecting Marion. I do have bad memories but running away from them isn’t the solution. I’ve been going to therapy and Sally has been my everything. We’ve built a life together that we love and I have no intention of walking away from it. Thanks for the offer, not a fan of the presumption, but either way. I’m good.” Marion stood there, very confused and without saying goodbye kind of half turned away and boarded the ship. The crew oozed competence in the way they set sail and prepared their weapons in case of pirates. The Hobbits watched until they were out of sight before heading home, making plans to meet up for dinner later.  
Wham waved at his friends before walking through his door and was immediately greeted by the scent of female arousal. He walked to their bedroom and found Rosebud going to town on herself with a mould of Wham’s penis.  
“Oh thank god you’re back!” she cried out, ripping the silicon toy from her cooch and spreading wide for her husband,  
“Yeah. I’m back.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you didn't like it, don't tell me about it. And don't keep reading. If you did like it, let me know!


End file.
